Author: Marc Warry

Why be an Enlightened Communicator?

6:00 pm

What does it mean to be enlightened?  The merriam-webster online dictionary  describes “Enlightened” as having a good understanding of a subject.  At Teamology we describe Communication as “the ability to be heard and understood.”

So an Enlightened Communicator is someone who is able to be heard and understood, whist having a good understanding of the common issues that can have an impact on Communication.  I am so passionate about assisting people to become Enlightened Communicators after my own difficulties as a Communicator.

My communication issues began early and only got more difficult as I grew older.  I am a strong personality, which does tend to make it difficult (for others mostly!).  I am an open and honest person and would say what i felt thinking it was being helpful, only to find (much later) that it left most people hurt, deflated and offended.

I had no idea how i came across or that I could possibly be offending people.  It wasn’t until a very painful experience in a ladies bathroom many years later (more not that in a future posting…) that I really understood the impact of my communication on others.

So if you like me, hunger for greater connection with others.  Do you wish you could be really authentic with others and share what is in your heart.  Would love to be able to have a tricky conversation rather than avoid it?  Has someone you love really hurt you and you just can’t seem to tell them about it? Do you struggle to communicate with creation types of people?  Would you love to be able to be more assertive and stand up for yourself or others?  If you are tired of saying “yes” when you mean “no” or “no” when you mean “yes” then perhaps you too hunger to become an Enlightened Communicator.

If that’s the case then stay tuned as together we will explore many of the issues around communication, and share many tips and resources so that together we can get the most out of our relationships, both personally and professionally.

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Why listen to me?

5:24 pm

Why? It’s simple really, I’ve made many mistakes.  So many, I couldn’t count them for you.  BUT I have learned from them.

How do you feel about the f word?  Have I got your attention?

The f word I am referring to is the word failure.  What did you think I was referring too?

Definition of Failure: to not meet expectations, to mess up, to disappoint, to fall short.

Lovely images hey?  However, You’ve done it, I’ve done it.  The common thread is that we all fail.  We all don’t like to fail but the wise ones learn that failure is a wonderful opportunity to learn.

I have an awesome example of a horrible situation I found my self in many years ago  … please  read on…

I was a young manager of a team of about 12.  We were all professionals and I was very proud of my team.  I believed we did very valuable work helping people.  One day I was in the ladies, when about 6 of my team walked in.  They did not know I was in the loo.  They began having a huge gossip session about me!

Lesson number 1: Don’t gossip.

Lesson number 2: If you are going to anyway, check who is in the loo before doing this.

I was sitting there with my heart breaking as they go on and on about how bossy I was, how they could not talk to me, how it was my way or the highway, that I thought I was better than everybody, how I was unapproachable.  Each sentence was another dagger to my heart.

So I sat there thinking what do I do?  Do I stay here and wait until they are finished then slink away?  Do I walk out and confront them?  Both options were sounding awful to me.  However, in that awful moment I realised that I had a very important choice to make.  I could face this “failure” or I could run away and hide.  Now anyone who knows me knows I am not one to run from a challenge.  But this was really hard!

I did not know how on earth these people that I worked so hard to support felt so negatively toward me.  I thought I was approachable, easy to talk to, helpful and I certainly did not think I was better than anyone, if anything else I struggled with self-esteem.

So, what did I do?  I got up walked out and faced them.  You should have seen their faces mid slander; it was priceless.  Each one of them had their mouth and eyes so wide.  There was complete silence; no one spoke a word.  I am sure they were waiting for me to just tell them off.

Then I simply said “Thank  you”.  Now this they were NOT expecting.   Think they’re mouths and eyes got even wider.  But the truth is I meant it.  As awful as it was to hear what I had heard them say about me.  I knew that something had to change.

I continued, “ I am so sorry that this is how I have come across to you.  This was never my intention and it changes today”. 

They still were not sure what to say to me, they tried to say a very uncomfortable sorry and left as soon as possible.  I then knew that I had to work out how to change things.  I was so confused as to how I could be seen so differently to how I thought I came across.

What i realised was, my impact did not match my intent.  When I thought I was helping, they thought I was being bossy.  When I was being proactive they saw me as thinking I was better and more capable than them.

This is one of the primary causes for poor communication, impact not matching intent.  It stems from us all having different communication styles.  I am quite a direct and proactive person.  When I think I am inspiring some people find me scary.  It is something I continually work on.  Especially with people who don’t know me well.

This awful, heart breaking experience was what motivated me to understand how I could get it so wrong.  So in a major way this experience lead me to where I am today, sharing this information with anyone who will listen so they don’t have to have such experiences.

This experience drove me to work out how different people communicate, it taught me many models of communication and the one I have persisted with is the DISC model that I share a lot about through these articles.

Things did change at work, gradually the weirdness disappeared and those relationships became very strong.  I think mostly because I kept my promise and things changed.  I am forever grateful to that experience as painful as it was it was am amazing lesson.  This lesson has blessed me many times over.

So next time you face a failure, be brave, look at what you can learn from it and keep moving forward.

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

 

Have you ever been misunderstood?

1:03 am

Have you ever been misunderstood?  Surely, I am not the only one?

When you miscommunicate you have been misunderstood.  Your impact has not matched your intent.  This can be simple and easily fixed but can also have devastating consequences.

Miscommunication is simply when your message has not been interpreted as you intended.  For example, you may say, “I would like the chicken please” and end up with the Tofu.  This actually happened to me at an amazing Thai restaurant.  I was eating my meal thinking “Wow this is the softest, squarest chicken I have ever had” when it was pointed out to me that I had Tofu.  Luckily this was not a life threatening miscommunication!   Also lucky for me as I may not have ever tried Tofu, and I really like it!

How many of you have ever miscommunicated??? (At this time you should all have a hand raised, because I would dare to say all of us do every day!)  Now I trust I have not offended anyone because firstly if you hadn’t miscommunicated why are you reading this blog??  Oh yeah it’s for your friend…

Additionally, if you truly haven’t miscommunicated either you have never had contact with another human or you are in complete denial!  Sorry but that’s the truth…

Misunderstanding stems from the simple fact that people are different.  Were you aware for example that each of us are unique and see the world from a different perspective?  Yes, there are trends and ways to group “types of people” and also different communication styles.

For example you may be a “talker” and the person you are trying to talk with is more “reserved and withdrawn”.  As a “talker” it is common to assume that everyone else is as comfortable with talking as you are.  You start to chat with the more quiet reserved person who doesn’t give you much back.  A few common misunderstandings can begin to occur.  Firstly, you may talk too much because you are not getting a response.  This will inevitably shut down the quiet person even more.  Or you may feel offended like the person does not like you.  In your mind if they liked you they would talk.

The reality is that they are “different” to you, neither is right or wrong, just different.  Each of us has different needs when it comes to communicating, and over coming editions we will go onto more details about the different styles.

 

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

So why do we miscommunicate?

12:53 am

So, why do we miscommunicate?? Our lives imprint on us, with each experience.  Good, bad or indifferent each if our experiences leave their mark.   Our lives become like a scrapbook with a theme; for example, you may think  “I am a well liked, confident person who makes good decisions”, or “I am worthless, people don’t care about me and I am alone”.   Two very opposing views but you get my point.

It is really important to understand this because our life theme and experiences colour each communication we have.  This is our frame of reference.  It is your reality and is difficult to change especially if you are not even aware of it!  The more “positive” or optimistic you are, the less likely you are to be offended by someone because a negative view does not match your internal story.  The same goes for the opposite, if you have a poor view of yourself then you may feel the need to defend yourself and that people attack you, when they are not. So, if you think everyone is out to get you then each communication will distort to fit your theme, your frame of reference.

The way you view the world will therefore affect and drive your response to everyday experiences.  I am being very simplistic here just to illustrate the point.  I raise that each person is far more complex than this in the big scheme of things. Your reactions, your mindset are coloured by your filter.  A really simple example of this is the translation when you are an optimist versus a pessimist.  This would translate simply to being a hopeful if you are an optimist and feeling hopeless if you are a pessimist. When you see the world differently to someone else it affects your perspective, your expectations and your assumptions.

A common example I have noticed is in a team environment when you have the “quiet” people versus the more “talkative” people.  I was working with a team recently and there was one team member who was so socially anxious he would not make eye contact or say “hello”.  In fact, he struggled so much that even if a colleague said “good morning” to him, he was unable to respond. His team mates responded to his behaviour with resentment.  They thought that he felt he was too good for them, that he was just plain rude.  This meant there was quite a tangible tension in this team.  This environment only made the relationship stress worse.

When in a workshop, this fellow was able to communicate that he is frightened to make eye contact and to even say “hello”, everything changed in his teams assumptions and expectations of him.  Their resentment changed to understanding and almost sorrow for him. With time, and trust building, he became more able to make eye contact with his colleagues and to say hello.  In fact, at the last workshop, he was a significant contributor to the discussion that was so great to see.

What is important for you to remember is that everyone has a story, and we all have our own struggles.  We all see the world in a unique way and we all want to connect and be valued.  So if you are not connecting with someone, if there is someone who is ticking you off or pushing your buttons, they may not be intentionally making your life difficult. It may simply be because they are wired differently to you.

In coming posts we will discover more about the different communication styles and what makes them tick.  You will relate more to a particular style and you will see traits from other styles in your colleagues, friends and family.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.