poor engagement

Sydney’s light bulb moment

2:00 pm

Did you see it? Sydney’s light bulb moment?  Check out the picture to the right care of the SMH and Reuters Jan1 2015.   It was truly beautiful.  However, light bulb moments can be beautiful, scary, shocking or saddening. Sometimes all at once.

As we leave 2014 in history and forge ahead into 2015 and what lies beyond it is always important to stop and take stock. Notice what has happened to us and around us (being enlightened, being aware). Learn from the past, whilst being kind to ourselves.

The light bulb in the fireworks display was to represent The International Year of Light – as endorsed by the United Nations. This symbol is to raise awareness of how optical technologies promote sustainable development and provide solutions to worldwide challenges in energy, education, agriculture, communications and health (as stated in the SMH Jan 1, 2015)

At Teamology we “love it” when we notice the light switch on for someone in how they communicate or connect with someone. It is why we exist, to facilitate this process.

It can be as simple as someone realising that when they interrupt a colleague at work their colleague interprets that as disrespect and that is why there is tension. They never intended to be disrespectful but to help.

Similarly, a spouse bombarded by hard questions from their partner freezes up not knowing what to say. Their partner interprets this as them not caring. Again, we have growing tension. When the true meaning is understood by both parties we have real and powerful connection.

We call such realisations “light bulb moments” and we live for them. We get so excited when we see this happen to someone and for someone.

So I ask you to take the time to think of what has 2014 taught you? What were your light bulb moments? Please share if you feel up to doing so.

I had many, particularly after in late 2013 being diagnosed with cancer. That in itself produced many light bulb moments. The experience of being told “you have cancer” is certainly one of those breathtaking moments, where you decide in a split second what is important and what you stand for.  If you would like to read more about my experience you can check out my blog all about my experience with cancer here.

For me and my family 2014 added many more. For example, learning that my old ways of coping and thinking were not going to get me through I had to evolve. To grow.

My old and entrenched habit of pushing through despite what I needed had to stop. My body was weak and tired, besides I deserved more. I had the mental strength to put stress and hurts behind me but it still physically took such a great toll.

Learning that I am not the total sum of what I produce was another biggie for me. I am a Human being, not a Human doing. Whoa….. say what???

I am enough….. whether I do or produce another thing in my entire life< I am worthy whether or not I produce, achieve or do something tomorrow. What a light bulb moment for me.

So I hope you take the time to consider what you learned in 2014, what it can teach you, how it can help you evolve to live a life that is filled with more meaning, love laughter, joy and happiness.

As I learned in the past 12 months, we don’t have forever to get it right, so learn quickly, enjoy immensely and live generously.  If you would like to learn more about becoming a more Enlightened Communicator complete this quick quiz.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

Giving constructive feedback. Pt 1

9:03 pm

How do you approach giving someone constructive feedback?

Did you know that the way you approach this task says more about you than you might know?  We each have our own unique communication style that influences and drives how we interact with others.

Additionally, many of us do not know how to best approach giving constructive feedback.  This is a critical skill in our communication, it is important to give positive feedback but also constructive.  Without it how do we improve?

As we are all different our approach to feedback also differs.  Some of us are task focused and some are more people focused.  Some are more outgoing and others are more reserved.  I am making it very simple here of course as humans we complicate things so much more – but I like SIMPLE!

Giving feedback is essential in our communication.  It is how we interact on a different level, how we show our impact, how we let someone know the impact they have had on us or on our expectations of them.

In a business environment feedback is essential.  All of us have had feedback sessions with mentors or managers, some great and empowering while others would be filed in the “traumatic” drawer we prefer not to look in all that often.

So how do you approach it?
 Are you an avoider?
 Do you launch in boots and all?
 Do you take it slowly and gently?
 Do you worry about how they will take it, get all messed up and then it becomes all about you?  Or,
Do you think about it from their perspective, get into their shoes and deal with it with warmth and respect? 
 
Which approach do you think will work out best in the end?

Let’s go through these options and see where they may take us.
 
 The avoider – this approach rarely works in the long run.  People who avoid issues need to have an amazing tolerance for mediocrity because, best-case scenario, that’s what you will end up with.

Avoiding the issue of giving feedback will only ever hinder the process of growth and development for both you and the person who is to receive the feedback.  When you avoid an issue, it tends to grow, so small issue will grow into a much bigger issue with avoidance.

Jumping in boots and all can also be problematic if you are not fully prepared and able to think before you speak.  The best thing about this approach is that you are doing it.

The most problematic issue may be that if you go in too hard and fast you risk offending the receiver of the feedback; particularly, if the feedback could be confronting for the receiver.

Feedback alone is a confrontational process to go through so we need to be aware of this and ensure our approach is not confrontational as well.

Next time we will check out the gently gently approach to feedback namely, and discuss some effective techniques you can put in place to assist you.

If you have found this helpful, please share it with someone you think will benefit also.

For tips, free resources and information on how to become a more effective communicator check out www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #5

5:17 pm

The Final Communication Mistake;

5: Not knowing Your Communication

Strengths

We live in a critical world where we all know far too well what we are not good at.  We are told from the moment we are born, you are not good at this, you need to improve that, don’t even try that, it is not a talent of yours.  So what are your strengths – what strengthens you?

We all have strengths in communication – some of us are great at seeing the big picture.  Some are wonderful and charming influencers, some are amazing and patient listeners and others are able to see the detail and analyse information.  Either way we all have strengths.  The problem is, is that many of you don’t know your strengths.  We actually don’t even realise the truth about what strengths are.  We have been fooled into thinking that a strength is something we are good at.  BUT NO!  A strength is something that strengthens you, a weakness is something that drains you.  You may be wonderful at balancing the books but you may absolutely despise it.  That is not a strength!!

When you know your strengths, you know what works for you, you realise that we are all fundamentally different, you close the gap and minimize the misinterpretations, you find common ground and you think before you speak VOILA you have GREAT CONNECTION.

It still confounds me that after completing a Psychology degree, that I was not taught this stuff. Yes we learned active listening and reflective questioning etc but not about Communication styles, differences, strengths etc. No! To learn that I had to seek it out so I have made it my mission to make it easier for any fellow travellers out there that frequently wonder, “Why is it so hard?” Or, “How can we do it better?”  If you’d like to see how the different communication styles work here is a free download on your Communication strengths.

This is by no means an accurate assessment of your Communication strengths but is a greta way for you to begin to understand your strengths and also the strengths of others in your world.

Thanks for joining us to examining the top 5 communication mistakes we make everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #4

12:57 pm

The fourth of the top 5 mistakes is;

Not understanding that as Communicators we are different!

Unfortunately, the source of many of our communication problems is the gap!  I see the world one way and receive information one way, and you do it another way.  Its all ok just different.

Most of us automatically assume that everyone sees the world as you see it.  This is at such a subconscious level you won’t even realise that you are doing it.  We don’t know why someone dislikes our new hairstyle, or why someone might not like our colour scheme.  So, if you are a bottom line kind of person who does not fluff about at all, when you come into contact with a warm fuzzy person who could think of nothing better than shooting the breeze all day you may certainly go nuts.

You are different; you have different agendas, different needs, different likes and different ways of doing things.  Neither is right or wrong they are just different.

If you are a person who is quick to anger, you are likely quick to recover and move on.  However, if you are dealing with a person who is slower to anger, who takes on more, for a very long time….. When they finally get to boiling point (and they will!) they will take a long time to recover also.  Neither is right or wrong just different.  Understanding this fundamental principle of communication will make all of the difference – we are different, we have different needs and we communicate them – you guessed it – DIFFERENTLY!

Just being aware of this goes such a long way to bridging the gap.  When someone says or does something we don’t understand, instead of taking it personally or getting upset we are able to say, ok, so they see and do things differently to me.  Thats ok.  Then with a child like curiosity seek to understand it.

Next time we will look at the final mistake of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations”  or check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #3

11:29 pm

3: Misinterpreting the message

Misinterpretation, like all miscommunication can occur similar to a slide rule; from small and non-life threatening to huge and life threatening.  For example the barista who mistakenly gives you a full fat latte when you asked for light; to the child crossing the road independently and hears “Go” instead of “No!!”

I heard a comedian recently talking about how does it happen that he goes to the hairdresser and asks for a particular style and somewhere between communicating that idea and the end result he leaves looking like a strange beetle – not what he had in mind….. I think I’ve been to that salon before!

You interpret a message and communication through your own lens, a lens shaped by your genetics, your communication and personality, past experience, emotions and mood that day.  There are quite a few filters.  It’s a bit like when you are in a bad mood in the car and someone toots the horn.  Some of us, (not naming names) may get quite aggressive and start waving our arms and abusing the driver, thinking they were having a go at us.  When in all likelihood it could have been someone saying “Hi” to someone else that they saw and knew.

It’s important to be aware of the “lens” we all have and how it impacts on our perspective of things.  When you are unsure, ask questions until you are clear on the message.  NEVER ASSUME, it can get you into so much trouble.

Next time we will look at the fourth of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

 

What are The Top 5 Communication Mistakes? # 1

1:40 pm

What are the top 5 communication mistakes made every day?  Do you make any of these? They are so common, but many are not game to admit it.

When you work on a daily basis with teams and businesses that are struggling with communication, you see a lot!   It is extremely rewarding to see things turn around.  One of my favourite things is when you observe people really connecting, once they know how.

Today, lets begin a conversation about the most common mistakes we make everyday.  Let’s discuss the first of 5 most common mistakes that we see people make in communication every day.  Read on, you may identify with some of this information.

1: Speaking without or before thinking

When you speak before you think it can be disastrous!  I don’t know about you, but much of what goes on in my head is not for public viewing. I can be hard, critical, judgmental, stubborn, and that’s all before breakfast!  If you can slow down and think before you speak, you have time to be clear on what your intention is.

Good question, what is your intention?

Most of the time we don’t even take the time to work this out. Is it to teach, to share, to connect or to impose?   When you aren’t clear of your intention, how can your listener be clear?   As a young Manager I had a team member who was beginning to make a habit of being late to team meetings.  My communication style automatically interprets this as disrespect to me and to the team – that our “important” meetings were not a priority for her.  One morning she arrived late and disorganised again.  I knew I needed to address it.  Fortunately, I had the intuition to ask her what was going on before I “tore strips off her for seemingly disrespecting me and the team”.

I asked what was going on and she quickly and unexpectedly burst into tears as she divulged that her marriage was breaking apart and she was not coping at all.  WOW!  Not on my radar at all! How would I have felt if I had given a serve only to find out my ASSUMPTION of the INTENTION (ie disrespect and lack of priority) was nowhere near the reality?  Her life was in tatters and she was only just hanging on, she certainly did not need me adding to the pressure.

Thankfully I and asked a question “How are you doing?”  Instead of “Why are you always late to meetings!  You are being so disrespectful!”

Can you imagine how this conversation may have turned out had I “stated” rather than “asked.”  This is a really key tip! Ask more questions so you know what issue you’re dealing with.  Drop the assumptions, get clear on your intent and think before you speak.

Next time we will look at the second of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

What are the two most powerful words?

2:30 pm

Did you know that your words are powerful?  It is a well know fact that emotional abuse can cause much more damage than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is driven by words.  Words can build up or break down.

So what are arguably, the two most powerful words? I was watching a movie recently about the Irish Republican Army, the “IRA”.  The story explained that when the young men fighting with the IRA were caught and imprisoned they refused to wear the prison uniform.  Consequently, they were naked in blankets whilst in prison.  This quiet prison rebellion went on for years.

The IRA prisoners campaigned for the right to wear civilian clothes as they saw themselves as prisoners of war.  As such would not wear the clothes of a prisoner.  They refused to acknowledge the British rule in their motherland.

They tried in vain to negotiate with the government and eventually whey went on hunger strike to make this point.  After at least 10 young men had died from this hunger strike (aged sadly from 19 to 26 years of age) the British government agreed to grant them the privilege of wearing civilian clothes.  The IRA prisoners remain committed to their decision and would not agree to the terms.  They believed it was a right not a privilege.  Because of one word, and the power behind it more young men died.

Words are powerful. Arguably two of the most powerful words in our language are “Thank you“ and “Sorry“.  These words can build bridges, bring forgiveness and help someone feel recognised and valued.

Sometimes we say things out of hurt or anger and they can leave a scar for life.  That’s where nursery rhyme line  “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is not quite accurate.  I have heard over and over how a word said in anger can linger in a person’s soul for years.  Such words can honestly stop you from believing in yourself and consequently from reaching your potential.

The sad thing is, is that the person who said the hurtful words has probably forgotten and has no idea just how much they have hurt you.  It is important to acknowledge this if you are hanging onto a lie that has been told to you.  If you have been told that you won’t amount to anything, or that you are not worth it. It is a lie.  You have inside of you such enormous potential; you have a unique gift that no one else has.

No one else sees the world exactly they way you do, no one else thinks the way you do.  It is a gift for you to use and make a difference on the earth.  So if hurtful words and lies are holding you back I encourage you to stop believing them and do whatever it is that you have been dreaming about.  You can do it.  I know that you can!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

The Strong Communicator and “The Block”

2:26 pm

Is anyone a raging Block fan? After all with almost half a million following on Facebook and it being a Channel 9 hit show you just may be a fan.

Well I am, and in recent months with a heavy bout of insomnia I have been indulging in the wee hours. I love it!

In a recent very popular post about “dealing with a Strong Dictator, oops sorry Communicator” it seemed to strike a chord with you all. So I am guessing that many of you out there are struggling with this from time to time?

Now the recent changes to the block have meant that all of the teams who have been competing with each other are now forced to work together to finish an entire apartment together in 2 weeks. You may agree, a very challenging environment! As you may have read on this blog too, stress can bring out the worst in our communication styles.

For example if you are a Powerful and Direct Communicator, under stress you may become stronger, more direct, more aggressive and even more competitive. A nice situation huh. Now the lovely example I want to share with you of the Strong Powerful and Direct communicator on the block is none other than ‘Dee’.

She openly describes herself as assertive and cannot see why she is too confrontational and difficult for the other contestants to deal with. From all accounts she appears to be a lovely lady and terribly talented stylist however, she openly and without shame will “fight anyone” who gets in her way.

She fights for her rights, she will not take “No” for an answer and commonly responds to any attempts of collaboration with “What’s in it for me, how does that help me, that’s not my problem, or just flat out No.”

She has no fear or hesitation in speaking up, she frequently confronts anyone who she feels needs to be confronted and she what she thinks without hesitation and sometimes without any softening. The more stressed and pushed she gets, the harder more determined she is.

The hard thing for the other couples seems to be how to deal with her, with many of them just avoiding the confrontation or trying to laugh it off which only enrages her more. The lovely ‘Dee’ does not appear to understand that her strength of being able to be assertive and speak up can be threatening to others. In fact, you could argue that she doesn’t seem to care.

This is a frequent issue for Strong Powerful and Direct Communicators. Like all of us, we forget that we are different and think that we can all approach situations in a similar way. The fact that confrontation is so comfortable for her means she may have no understanding of someone who finds is completely frightening.

Similarly a Strong Playful and Influencing Communicator can have no understanding of the fear of a shy person. They struggle to see how someone can be frightened of speaking to some they don’t know because they are so comfortable with it.

So, thank you Dee and the Block for illustrating so beautifully such a common communication problem. If you relate and have struggled to deal with a Strong Communicator, to be assertive or say ‘No’ then check out our course on how to Master difficult conversations https://teamology.com.au/courses/madc/

You can learn some really simple and powerful strategies so that you are able to deal more effectively with such situations both at work and personally. Don’t put it off any longer; you deserve the freedom that speaking up for yourself brings.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Steady, the Analytical and Stress

3:56 pm

Did you know that 92% of Australians feel unfulfilled in their jobs?  Much of this may be attributed to stress and feeling disconnected in the workplace.  Continuing our discussion on stress and how it affects each Communication Style today we will look further into the Steady and Analytical Communication Styles.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is the quiet, people focused, consistent team member that loves harmony and for everyone to get along.  They avoid change and conflict like the plague.  When stressed, they will retreat further into themselves and try to pretend nothing is going on.

This style is very difficult to read so most often won’t show the signs of stress until it has been going on for quite a while.  Unfortunately, you won’t get a warning until the volcano blows!!   As you can imagine this is really hard for team members as they have no warning and seeing a usually quiet Patient and Steady style do their block is a sight to behold.

If this happens it is important to remember that the pre cursing event is one of MANY that have lead to this blow up.  This is one of the complications of the “Patient and Steady” letting everything build up until they cannot take any more.   It is very important for the “Patient and Steady” communicator to feel supported after a blow up happens, as they are always willing to support others.  They will appreciate a willing ear and a friendly smile.

If this is you, remember it is ok to ask for help and to say “No” when you need to.  If you are a “Patient and Steady” communicator you will respond to stress by needing to sleep more.  So take the time and allow yourself to do this when you need.

Many Patient and Steady Communicators do well in learning how to be more assertive, particularly when dealing with a more assertive style such as the Powerful and Direct or Playful and Influencing communicator. If this is you or someone you know check out our upcoming course on how to Master the Art of Difficult Conversations, in Sydney this November.

The “Perfect and Conscientious” comes across as highly detailed, organised, wanting perfection and quite task oriented.  When stressed they become even more task focused, they demand perfection and can become quite critical of others.  As you can imagine if your bench mark is perfection this is already a recipe for stress.  So if you notice your “Perfect and Conscientious” style team mate becoming more critical than usual, more controlling, if they seem tense and more anxious than usual it could be a sign that they are under stress.

Don’t take their criticism to heart, it is an outward sign of their inward battle.  Ask them if they need support, offer to help them get a plan together so they can get through whatever is causing them stress too.  If this is you, be kind to yourself, you will usually need some quiet alone time to deal with your hectic inner world.  Make sure you do this so that you can effectively deal with the cause of your stress.

For all of us, awareness of our own stress levels is key.  Realising that the people around us are affected by the way our behaviour and communication changes under stress is important.  I think it funny that when we are under stress, we behave differently toward others, they may not respond well and our stress can increase!  What a vicious and unhelpful cycle!

When you notice your stress increasing the best thing to do is acknowledge it, ask for support or help and get a plan.  Ignoring it is never the answer.  Ensure you allow yourself to do what helps you when stressed whether it be exercising, socialising, sleeping, quiet time or a combination; do what works for you.

I noticed a few years ago when my Husband and I were both stressed at the same time for different reasons.  When he is stressed he likes to socialise and I need a combination of exercise and quiet time.  He was really pushing to go out and it was honestly the last thing I wanted to do.  What did we do?  We compromised.  I said to him that I needed an hour to walk and think on  my own, when I got back I felt so much better and was able to then socialise as he so badly needed.

It is so important to take responsibility for your feelings, be able to share them, acknowledge and respect the needs of others.  In relationships, the whole mind reading thing really doesn’t work!

Next time we will look at a current and real life example of these interactions and how different communicators respond to stress.   Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Dominant, the Influencer and stress

11:19 am

Each person responds differently to stress, each communication style responds in their own unique way.   Today we will look at how the Dominant and Influencing Communicators respond to stress. There are some common trends though so let’s see which on you relate most too.  This is helpful for you to know because whether you acknowledge it or not, the people around you will notice a change in you when your stress levels rise.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator can already comes across as task oriented, blunt, driven, even bossy.  When stressed they will become even more driven, blunt, decisive, quick thinking and moving.  They will exert even more “control” as their world spins out of control.  They may come across as aggressive which can be quite negative in a workplace.  So if you work with someone like this, your world can get quite difficult when they become stressed.

It is really important not to take their behaviour personally.  Be courageous and ask them if they are ok.  Yes, even these guys need support and would appreciate you asking.  They often have no idea how they come across and don’t understand why their team mates are backing away slowly when they enter the room!  If this is you, you need to acknowledge the stress and then ensure you have helpful strategies to address it.  Things such as exercise will help to burn or your excess adrenaline and allow you to think and gain some calm.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator comes across as, people oriented, the life of the party, they are talkative, fun, colourful and optimistic.  When they become stressed they will talk even more, be even more loud and flighty (if that’s possible).  It may be hard to keep up with them it may seem like they are on something!  Eventually they may become quite short and may even snap which is completely out of character for them.  This can damage work relationships, as they are usually so friendly and willing to chat.

Again, don’t take their behavior personally, ask them if they are ok, and if they need any support.  The “Playful and Influencing” communicator likes to be included in all interactions but if they are either talking too much or becoming snappy they will begin to be shut out; this is like torture for them.   If this is you, take the time to work out what may be causing the stress for you.  Get a plan and get your stress under control.  Things such as socialising are really important for you when you are feeling stress.

Next time we will look at how the Patient and Steady Communicator and Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicators respond to stress. Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.