When holding back is not the answer

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

I am always encouraging you to have those less than comfortable conversations. Why? Because I believe that being authentic in our relationships is necessary for true connection.

I’m not saying that you let leash on every one about you all the things that tick you off but when it is valid and it is affecting you or your relationship then speak up. This is not always easy and it takes quite significant maturity and introspection to work out what is important enough for you to do this.

It is rare for people to be open and honest with each other so don’t be surprised if people aren’t sure what to do or say in response. I learned many years ago whilst having counselling that when I held back from someone that I was affecting the authenticity of the relationship.

At the time I was struggling in a failing relationship and “protecting” my Mum by not telling her.  I felt I was saving her from the pain of worrying about me as she was struggling with her health – she was dying with metastasised cancer.

My counsellor explained to me that the only way to have a true and honest relationship with my Mum was to be honest with her. That she was an adult and was able to handle whatever I had to say.  The truth was Mum knew something was up and was worrying more because I wasn’t telling her.

So with a little fear and trepidation I trusted my Counsellor and shared my truth with my Mum. I am so glad I did. It allowed the last few months of her life to be really open and connected between the two of us a gift I can not replace.

So what am I saying? I am saying if you don’t say things out of fear then perhaps have a re think. Fear should never a reason not to do something.  Fear is not based in reality usually and is blown out of all proportion.  Yes fear is a protector, i use it now as a sign to look deeper into something.  Should I really hold this idea as a fear or is it an opportunity, a lesson or a warning.

So when you find yourself holding back within a relationship it would pay to take a closer look and asking yourself;

  • Am I protecting someone out of my own fear?
  • What am I fearful of?
  • Could the relationship benefit from a more open approach?
  • What is my true intention?
  • Does this person need protecting?

A powerful benefit to being more open in a relationship is the actual opposite of protecting someone. It’s believing in the other person and empowering them. When you protect them it’s because you think they are not capable, but people are much more capable they we give them credit for.

When you believe in your relationships you allow them to grow. Being able to be open and honest is such a gift it allows you to be yourself and also gives the other person permission to do the same. This is truly a rare and beautiful gift.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Share a comment

Your email address will not be published.