bossy

Help!! Why do I do that???

10:35 am

Help!!! Why do I do that??? This is a very common question I am asked.  As a speaker, trainer and consultant many times people say, “why do I do this?  Why do I talk too much?  Why am I so pushy? Why do I avoid people?  Why am I such a perfectionist?”

Being completely honest everyone has something they do that baffles them.  It may not have originated as an issue for you but it has surfaced in your relationships.  Whether at work or home, it causes you issues, pain, frustration.  Perhaps you have been told at work that you need to speak up and you just don’t know how.

Perhaps you have been told you can be selfish and when you hear this you are really confused because you really care about people and want to be liked.  Perhaps you have been told you are controlling and you think you are being helpful.

These are all valid concerns – each of another or us at one time or another has gotten less than positive results when we have been connecting with others.  Whether you have felt misunderstood, ignored, judged, baffled by the response of others, all of these experiences hurt.  Really hurt.  Each time you are hurt you are more likely to recoil and not try again.

Slowly but surely a gap forms.  This gaps grows and becomes harder and harder to close.  Soon you may feel unsure of how to connect with certain people, fearing a similar outcome.  You may avoid certain people or situations at work.  Perhaps you are not progressing through the ranks or accepting more responsibility due to this fear.   Perhaps you have lost a friendship or didn’t get that new job.

You are living beneath your potential!

How would you like to know what makes you tick and why you do what you do?  How would you like to know how to use these strengths to improve your relationships????

Amazing huh?  It’s so easy to do, you just first need to understand yourself and how to get the most from your strengths.  If you can relate to this and would like to know what you can do please check out our website for resources, training and encouragement.  You deserve to get that promotion, that new job, more responsibility, to be able to speak up and to say ‘No”.

At Teamology we are completely committed to your success so join us and learn more about your strengths as a communicator and maximise your unique potential.  Please share this with anyone you feel may be encouraged or may need some support.  Check us out on Facebook if you haven’t already and join our encouraging community.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress

11:55 am

How do you best deal with a stressed Powerful and Direct Communicator? In our last installment we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress, if you missed it click here. It resonated with many of you so I am expanding in this idea for you so that you may benefit form this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

We will begin with the Dominant or Powerful and Direct Communicator who is all about Results. They need big picture, bullet points and control. They are competitive adventuresome and avoid details. They show anger, make quick decisions are usually very impatient and talk loud and fast. They say things like, “give it to me now,” they will tap their foot with impatience if something is too slow for them and they walk with purpose.

Unfortunately in general the ‘Powerful and Direct” communicators have no idea how they come across. They do not understand that even on a good day their authoritative tone can strip paint. Honestly, take it from me I was a very unaware ‘Powerful and Direct’ at one time.

I still get help when trying to be gentle in certain situations because my idea of gentle is very different from the ‘Patienta and Steady’ Style for example. They are the polar opposite of the ‘Powerful and Direct.’ Remember, the ‘Powerful and Direct’ is all about efficiency and doing tasks as well and as quickly possible, they like short cuts, they often forget about the people aspect. They wouldn’t necessarily be offended and forget that others would.

So, I implore you, if you are working or living with a ‘Powerful and Direct’ then take heart, and please don’t take this personally because it really isn’t. They truly don’t get it, which is why Teamology exists in part. This lesson for me was a very personal and painful one.

I had no idea how harsh I could come across at times. I had no ideas that teammates, people I managed and certain family members would avoid me because they thought I was scary, heartless or had some type of God complex. Things could not have been further from the truth.

Like all of us, the ‘Powerful and Direct’ communicator just wants to be appreciated for who they are and to do their best. The way they go about it is usually what causes issues. In good times they at best can be seen as competitive, loud, bossy, direct, goal focused, pushy and confrontational.  However, if you need something done, they will do it.  If you want a decision made, they will make it.  If you need a project completed they will get it done.  They finish whatever they start.

Under stress these attributes become magnified, they tend to speak less and ‘bark orders’, phrases like “just do it” and “it’s not my problem” and “suck it up princess, tell someone who cares” will often be heard. They can appear very cold and removed. Don’t ask for sympathy from them you will not get it.

For example, at work, you have Bill who is a “Powerful and Direct” style who wants results, and will stop at nothing to get them, he is competitive, loud, speaks fast, seems aggressive and you know he means business. Sometimes you may feel like if you get in his way he will likely mow you down.

Under stress, he gets even worse, more inpatient, more task focused, you may even feel bullied by his behavior. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be ‘Direct’ right back. Not rude, but direct and respectful.

For example Bill says to you in a very sharp tone, “this is just not good enough fix it and fix it now!”

You could consider saying with respect “Bill, I disagree, this meets the brief as discussed, if the brief has changed then we can discuss that. However, I can see you are under pressure, your tone sounds rude to me and I do not appreciate it. I am willing to go over how to improve this but only when you are ready to speak with me respectfully.”

Now this may be freaking you out right now but honestly, direct understands direct. The ‘D’ style needs to feel respected and will only respect you when you stand up for yourself and ask to be treated with respect.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

When Opposite Communicators interact

1:32 pm

When opposite Communicators interact it can get ugly.  There can be misunderstanding, tension and ultimately conflict.  Today we will look at the Direct and Steady Communicators interacting.

We have discussed the Powerful and Direct Communicator many times however, here is a quick summary for you. The direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused and outgoing. They like to make quick decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.  They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh. However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is one that is patient, quiet and does not show emotion.  They are people focused and reserved.  These guys are all about relationship and everyone getting along.  They crave harmony and really don’t like confrontation or change.  If you know someone with this style they are the people you go to when you near a good listener and a cup of tea.  They don’t make a fuss are fiercely loyal and have a quiet stubbornness about them.

This style does not care so much for action, results and competition – they are the the mortar between the bricks, holding everyone together. As you can imagine, if you work with this style and don’t understand it, you could be having some frustrations.  These guys are very good at chugging along consistently, at a slow and steady pace.  They may procrastinate because change is scary and they really find saying ‘No’ a challenge.

So what can happen when these two styles come together?  Firstly, they are polar opposites.  They have very little in common, the Powerful and Direct style is all about results and the Patient and Steady style is all about relationships. The “Powerful and Direct” style can be perceived by the “Patient and Steady” style as cold and uncaring.  Patient and Steady Communicators can find the Powerful and Direct Communicator far to confrontational and aggressive initially.  However, because these styles are so opposite you often find that they marry each other.  Amazing hey?  The “Patient and Steady” Style loves the boldness and strength of the “Powerful and Direct” whilst the “Powerful and Direct” communicator loves the relaxed and serene nature of the “Patient and Steady”.

In the workplace, the “Patient and Steady” style can be perceived by the “Powerful and Direct” style as too slow and lacking courage to speak up.  The “Powerful and Direct” is impatient and has no trouble telling anyone what they thin,.  The “Patient and Steady” does not like to rock the boat and can find the ‘D” highly confrontational even bully like.

Can you imagine these two working on a project together? The “Powerful and Direct” can be all about it’s their way or the highway while the “Patient and Steady” has great ideas too, they just are unlikely to speak up in front of the bossy “Powerful and Direct”.  The “Patient and Steady” will agree on the surface, feeling unable to speak up and afterward will do what they were going to do anyway,  This drives the “Powerful and Direct” style bonkers as they don’t understand why the “Patient and Steady” just did not speak up.  After all, they would!

The “Powerful and Direct” would love the patience, go wight he flow nature of the “Patient and Steady” has toward others, rather than potentially offending and scaring people like a strong “Powerful and Direct” can. These two styles can work so well together if they are aware of how they can potentially cause tension and how to bring out the best in others.

For example, the Strong “Powerful and Direct” can be all about results but an aware “Powerful and Direct” will realise that getting results through people is smart. The Strong “Patient and Steady” may be more focused on people and relationships however at some point will need to produce a result and speak up.   This may require standing up for themselves and saying what they think at a risk of offending someone.  The two can work together to get a great result with a motivated and consistent team work.

It all comes down to realising we are all different and that we all have something to offer, something valuable. So next time that Strong “Powerful and Direct” communicator is telling you what to do and is not open to suggestions; a good starting point may be to understand they are all about the result and they don’t realise how offensive their direct style can be.

Next time the Strong “Patient and Steady” is avoiding a difficult conversation or saying “Yes” again when they know they need to say “No,” be patient with them.  Encourage them, their fear of confrontation is mind numbing for them.  They would rather say “Yes” at their own costs than risk offending someone.

If you would like to understand your own Communication style and that of those you work with, check out our workshops and resources at www.teamology.com.au.  Understudying your own communication style and how to understand others is such a rewarding and worthwhile investment of your time.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Strong Communicator and “The Block”

2:26 pm

Is anyone a raging Block fan? After all with almost half a million following on Facebook and it being a Channel 9 hit show you just may be a fan.

Well I am, and in recent months with a heavy bout of insomnia I have been indulging in the wee hours. I love it!

In a recent very popular post about “dealing with a Strong Dictator, oops sorry Communicator” it seemed to strike a chord with you all. So I am guessing that many of you out there are struggling with this from time to time?

Now the recent changes to the block have meant that all of the teams who have been competing with each other are now forced to work together to finish an entire apartment together in 2 weeks. You may agree, a very challenging environment! As you may have read on this blog too, stress can bring out the worst in our communication styles.

For example if you are a Powerful and Direct Communicator, under stress you may become stronger, more direct, more aggressive and even more competitive. A nice situation huh. Now the lovely example I want to share with you of the Strong Powerful and Direct communicator on the block is none other than ‘Dee’.

She openly describes herself as assertive and cannot see why she is too confrontational and difficult for the other contestants to deal with. From all accounts she appears to be a lovely lady and terribly talented stylist however, she openly and without shame will “fight anyone” who gets in her way.

She fights for her rights, she will not take “No” for an answer and commonly responds to any attempts of collaboration with “What’s in it for me, how does that help me, that’s not my problem, or just flat out No.”

She has no fear or hesitation in speaking up, she frequently confronts anyone who she feels needs to be confronted and she what she thinks without hesitation and sometimes without any softening. The more stressed and pushed she gets, the harder more determined she is.

The hard thing for the other couples seems to be how to deal with her, with many of them just avoiding the confrontation or trying to laugh it off which only enrages her more. The lovely ‘Dee’ does not appear to understand that her strength of being able to be assertive and speak up can be threatening to others. In fact, you could argue that she doesn’t seem to care.

This is a frequent issue for Strong Powerful and Direct Communicators. Like all of us, we forget that we are different and think that we can all approach situations in a similar way. The fact that confrontation is so comfortable for her means she may have no understanding of someone who finds is completely frightening.

Similarly a Strong Playful and Influencing Communicator can have no understanding of the fear of a shy person. They struggle to see how someone can be frightened of speaking to some they don’t know because they are so comfortable with it.

So, thank you Dee and the Block for illustrating so beautifully such a common communication problem. If you relate and have struggled to deal with a Strong Communicator, to be assertive or say ‘No’ then check out our course on how to Master difficult conversations https://teamology.com.au/courses/madc/

You can learn some really simple and powerful strategies so that you are able to deal more effectively with such situations both at work and personally. Don’t put it off any longer; you deserve the freedom that speaking up for yourself brings.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Steady, the Analytical and Stress

3:56 pm

Did you know that 92% of Australians feel unfulfilled in their jobs?  Much of this may be attributed to stress and feeling disconnected in the workplace.  Continuing our discussion on stress and how it affects each Communication Style today we will look further into the Steady and Analytical Communication Styles.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is the quiet, people focused, consistent team member that loves harmony and for everyone to get along.  They avoid change and conflict like the plague.  When stressed, they will retreat further into themselves and try to pretend nothing is going on.

This style is very difficult to read so most often won’t show the signs of stress until it has been going on for quite a while.  Unfortunately, you won’t get a warning until the volcano blows!!   As you can imagine this is really hard for team members as they have no warning and seeing a usually quiet Patient and Steady style do their block is a sight to behold.

If this happens it is important to remember that the pre cursing event is one of MANY that have lead to this blow up.  This is one of the complications of the “Patient and Steady” letting everything build up until they cannot take any more.   It is very important for the “Patient and Steady” communicator to feel supported after a blow up happens, as they are always willing to support others.  They will appreciate a willing ear and a friendly smile.

If this is you, remember it is ok to ask for help and to say “No” when you need to.  If you are a “Patient and Steady” communicator you will respond to stress by needing to sleep more.  So take the time and allow yourself to do this when you need.

Many Patient and Steady Communicators do well in learning how to be more assertive, particularly when dealing with a more assertive style such as the Powerful and Direct or Playful and Influencing communicator. If this is you or someone you know check out our upcoming course on how to Master the Art of Difficult Conversations, in Sydney this November.

The “Perfect and Conscientious” comes across as highly detailed, organised, wanting perfection and quite task oriented.  When stressed they become even more task focused, they demand perfection and can become quite critical of others.  As you can imagine if your bench mark is perfection this is already a recipe for stress.  So if you notice your “Perfect and Conscientious” style team mate becoming more critical than usual, more controlling, if they seem tense and more anxious than usual it could be a sign that they are under stress.

Don’t take their criticism to heart, it is an outward sign of their inward battle.  Ask them if they need support, offer to help them get a plan together so they can get through whatever is causing them stress too.  If this is you, be kind to yourself, you will usually need some quiet alone time to deal with your hectic inner world.  Make sure you do this so that you can effectively deal with the cause of your stress.

For all of us, awareness of our own stress levels is key.  Realising that the people around us are affected by the way our behaviour and communication changes under stress is important.  I think it funny that when we are under stress, we behave differently toward others, they may not respond well and our stress can increase!  What a vicious and unhelpful cycle!

When you notice your stress increasing the best thing to do is acknowledge it, ask for support or help and get a plan.  Ignoring it is never the answer.  Ensure you allow yourself to do what helps you when stressed whether it be exercising, socialising, sleeping, quiet time or a combination; do what works for you.

I noticed a few years ago when my Husband and I were both stressed at the same time for different reasons.  When he is stressed he likes to socialise and I need a combination of exercise and quiet time.  He was really pushing to go out and it was honestly the last thing I wanted to do.  What did we do?  We compromised.  I said to him that I needed an hour to walk and think on  my own, when I got back I felt so much better and was able to then socialise as he so badly needed.

It is so important to take responsibility for your feelings, be able to share them, acknowledge and respect the needs of others.  In relationships, the whole mind reading thing really doesn’t work!

Next time we will look at a current and real life example of these interactions and how different communicators respond to stress.   Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Dominant, the Influencer and stress

11:19 am

Each person responds differently to stress, each communication style responds in their own unique way.   Today we will look at how the Dominant and Influencing Communicators respond to stress. There are some common trends though so let’s see which on you relate most too.  This is helpful for you to know because whether you acknowledge it or not, the people around you will notice a change in you when your stress levels rise.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator can already comes across as task oriented, blunt, driven, even bossy.  When stressed they will become even more driven, blunt, decisive, quick thinking and moving.  They will exert even more “control” as their world spins out of control.  They may come across as aggressive which can be quite negative in a workplace.  So if you work with someone like this, your world can get quite difficult when they become stressed.

It is really important not to take their behaviour personally.  Be courageous and ask them if they are ok.  Yes, even these guys need support and would appreciate you asking.  They often have no idea how they come across and don’t understand why their team mates are backing away slowly when they enter the room!  If this is you, you need to acknowledge the stress and then ensure you have helpful strategies to address it.  Things such as exercise will help to burn or your excess adrenaline and allow you to think and gain some calm.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator comes across as, people oriented, the life of the party, they are talkative, fun, colourful and optimistic.  When they become stressed they will talk even more, be even more loud and flighty (if that’s possible).  It may be hard to keep up with them it may seem like they are on something!  Eventually they may become quite short and may even snap which is completely out of character for them.  This can damage work relationships, as they are usually so friendly and willing to chat.

Again, don’t take their behavior personally, ask them if they are ok, and if they need any support.  The “Playful and Influencing” communicator likes to be included in all interactions but if they are either talking too much or becoming snappy they will begin to be shut out; this is like torture for them.   If this is you, take the time to work out what may be causing the stress for you.  Get a plan and get your stress under control.  Things such as socialising are really important for you when you are feeling stress.

Next time we will look at how the Patient and Steady Communicator and Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicators respond to stress. Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

When two Powerful and Direct Communicators interact

10:11 am

We have discussed the Powerful and Direct communicator previously however here is a quick summary for you.  The Powerful and Direct communicator is after results, they don’t mess around, they are straight forward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.  They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.

However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in. I worked recently with a Personal Assistant (PA) who has this strong personality type.  She was a highly efficient PA and loved her job.  However, since starting with a new Boss, a CEO she had really struggled, she felt that she was not appreciated, she felt like she was being micro-managed and not trusted to do her job.

The CEO asked for my assistance because he felt his PA was not the right person for the job.  When we looked closer at the situation what was really going on was that there were two very strong D’s interacting and neither of them were aware of the cause of this tangible tension. The CEO being a naturally strong D felt that he knew exactly what he wanted.  He wanted a PA that he could tell  what to do and when to do it, he didn’t need to show appreciation it was her job right?  He found her difficult at times even argumentative, he did not like it when she did things without him asking her to.

In addition, when she tried to tell him how to do things it drove him mad. Her response to this tension at work was to work harder, as she did so she became so stressed, worked really long hours, without a great result.  Remember D’s are all about results so this caused her immense anxiety and frustration.  The harder she worked the worse things got;  she really did not know what to do.

When we identified that both of these characters had strong Powerful and Direct in their communication style and that their intentions were the same – to do the best job possible and get a great result,  they were able to harness their strengths. The CEO was able to realise he could trust his PA to do a great job, that he did not need to tell her everything, that she could have ownership over some aspects of her work.  That freed him up to get more done and take on more challenges (another thing a strong Powerful and Direct communicator loves).

The PA then felt she has control over some decisions which was what she needed, she felt appreciated and was able to step back and stop putting in fruitless long hours.  She also had to manage her stress which she did by exercising each day (an essential requirement for a stressed Powerful and Direct communicator).

What you’ll usually find when two strong Powerful and Direct communicator come head to head is that they will both try to gain control.  As they do this they become more and more ego-centric, strong willed, bull like and demanding.  Without insight this can continue and the results can be quite ugly.

It is much smarter for these two to work together, work out who controls what, concede in fairness so a win /win can result.  It is a much better way to spend your energy working together for a great result than fighting against each other.  There are enough challenges out there for us all to take on!

If you relate to this situation, perhaps you work with someone who is a Powerful and Direct Communicator, you may have trouble speaking with them. You may feel unable to bring up issues, concerns or feel heard by them.  If this is your experience then you may need to develop some key communication skills.  We are holding a one day workshop just for you in Sydney November this year all about “How to handle difficult conversations and get a good result!”   We will advise of details on the website soon so keep a look out, help is on the way!

Until next time, Happy Communicating!  Why not join me changing the world one conversation at a time?  (Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.)

Are you a Dominant communicator?

2:13 pm

We all have different communication DNA styles.  They are a combination of task or people focused and then outgoing or reserved.  Powerful and Direct styles are action based, outgoing, task focused, results oriented and for the rest of the population they can be quite challenging.  If this is your style, however, chances are you are not even aware of the effect you can have on others.

This person is motivated by the challenge, they love to solve problems can be highly competitive and extremely strong willed.  If you want something done, give to this person.  However, be aware they may leave bruises.  These guys really have no idea how straight down the line, no fuss, in your face they can be.  To the average person they can come off at times as aggressive, even like a bully. Sadly this is not their intent at all.  They are just after the result and if people get in the way, then that’s where the damage can occur.

This is my strongest style and I have been known to mow people down in the supermarket, I literally don’t see them.  I am focused on the task and the task is to complete the shopping.  It’s not to say “Hi”.  To see who I know, to window shop.  No, its get the items bag them and get out of there!  I have had friends come up to me days later and say they felt really upset when I ignored them, I honestly did not see them. This style gravitates to leadership and management roles where they can make decisions and have control.

Unfortunately unless enlightened they can cause trouble for those in the workplace that have a more people focused, gentle approach.  We will discuss this in more detail in coming editions.  It’s just because they are so fast paced, quick thinking, decisive and you got it – different from you.

So, in summary, the dominant, Powerful and Direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way. They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.  However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

Don’t be too hard on a Powerful and Direct style if there is one on your world, they really have a good heart and don’t realise how pushy and direct they can be at times.  Why?  Because I don’t think anyone has been courageous enough to tell them! Next time we will look at the full of fun, people focused style.

If you are a Powerful and Direct communicator and are struggling checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  Perhaps you’ve been told you are difficult t to work with, or you are just not connecting with others.  Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.