communication styles

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #4

12:57 pm

The fourth of the top 5 mistakes is;

Not understanding that as Communicators we are different!

Unfortunately, the source of many of our communication problems is the gap!  I see the world one way and receive information one way, and you do it another way.  Its all ok just different.

Most of us automatically assume that everyone sees the world as you see it.  This is at such a subconscious level you won’t even realise that you are doing it.  We don’t know why someone dislikes our new hairstyle, or why someone might not like our colour scheme.  So, if you are a bottom line kind of person who does not fluff about at all, when you come into contact with a warm fuzzy person who could think of nothing better than shooting the breeze all day you may certainly go nuts.

You are different; you have different agendas, different needs, different likes and different ways of doing things.  Neither is right or wrong they are just different.

If you are a person who is quick to anger, you are likely quick to recover and move on.  However, if you are dealing with a person who is slower to anger, who takes on more, for a very long time….. When they finally get to boiling point (and they will!) they will take a long time to recover also.  Neither is right or wrong just different.  Understanding this fundamental principle of communication will make all of the difference – we are different, we have different needs and we communicate them – you guessed it – DIFFERENTLY!

Just being aware of this goes such a long way to bridging the gap.  When someone says or does something we don’t understand, instead of taking it personally or getting upset we are able to say, ok, so they see and do things differently to me.  Thats ok.  Then with a child like curiosity seek to understand it.

Next time we will look at the final mistake of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations”  or check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

What are The Top 5 Communication Mistakes? # 1

1:40 pm

What are the top 5 communication mistakes made every day?  Do you make any of these? They are so common, but many are not game to admit it.

When you work on a daily basis with teams and businesses that are struggling with communication, you see a lot!   It is extremely rewarding to see things turn around.  One of my favourite things is when you observe people really connecting, once they know how.

Today, lets begin a conversation about the most common mistakes we make everyday.  Let’s discuss the first of 5 most common mistakes that we see people make in communication every day.  Read on, you may identify with some of this information.

1: Speaking without or before thinking

When you speak before you think it can be disastrous!  I don’t know about you, but much of what goes on in my head is not for public viewing. I can be hard, critical, judgmental, stubborn, and that’s all before breakfast!  If you can slow down and think before you speak, you have time to be clear on what your intention is.

Good question, what is your intention?

Most of the time we don’t even take the time to work this out. Is it to teach, to share, to connect or to impose?   When you aren’t clear of your intention, how can your listener be clear?   As a young Manager I had a team member who was beginning to make a habit of being late to team meetings.  My communication style automatically interprets this as disrespect to me and to the team – that our “important” meetings were not a priority for her.  One morning she arrived late and disorganised again.  I knew I needed to address it.  Fortunately, I had the intuition to ask her what was going on before I “tore strips off her for seemingly disrespecting me and the team”.

I asked what was going on and she quickly and unexpectedly burst into tears as she divulged that her marriage was breaking apart and she was not coping at all.  WOW!  Not on my radar at all! How would I have felt if I had given a serve only to find out my ASSUMPTION of the INTENTION (ie disrespect and lack of priority) was nowhere near the reality?  Her life was in tatters and she was only just hanging on, she certainly did not need me adding to the pressure.

Thankfully I and asked a question “How are you doing?”  Instead of “Why are you always late to meetings!  You are being so disrespectful!”

Can you imagine how this conversation may have turned out had I “stated” rather than “asked.”  This is a really key tip! Ask more questions so you know what issue you’re dealing with.  Drop the assumptions, get clear on your intent and think before you speak.

Next time we will look at the second of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

The Strong Communicator and “The Block”

2:26 pm

Is anyone a raging Block fan? After all with almost half a million following on Facebook and it being a Channel 9 hit show you just may be a fan.

Well I am, and in recent months with a heavy bout of insomnia I have been indulging in the wee hours. I love it!

In a recent very popular post about “dealing with a Strong Dictator, oops sorry Communicator” it seemed to strike a chord with you all. So I am guessing that many of you out there are struggling with this from time to time?

Now the recent changes to the block have meant that all of the teams who have been competing with each other are now forced to work together to finish an entire apartment together in 2 weeks. You may agree, a very challenging environment! As you may have read on this blog too, stress can bring out the worst in our communication styles.

For example if you are a Powerful and Direct Communicator, under stress you may become stronger, more direct, more aggressive and even more competitive. A nice situation huh. Now the lovely example I want to share with you of the Strong Powerful and Direct communicator on the block is none other than ‘Dee’.

She openly describes herself as assertive and cannot see why she is too confrontational and difficult for the other contestants to deal with. From all accounts she appears to be a lovely lady and terribly talented stylist however, she openly and without shame will “fight anyone” who gets in her way.

She fights for her rights, she will not take “No” for an answer and commonly responds to any attempts of collaboration with “What’s in it for me, how does that help me, that’s not my problem, or just flat out No.”

She has no fear or hesitation in speaking up, she frequently confronts anyone who she feels needs to be confronted and she what she thinks without hesitation and sometimes without any softening. The more stressed and pushed she gets, the harder more determined she is.

The hard thing for the other couples seems to be how to deal with her, with many of them just avoiding the confrontation or trying to laugh it off which only enrages her more. The lovely ‘Dee’ does not appear to understand that her strength of being able to be assertive and speak up can be threatening to others. In fact, you could argue that she doesn’t seem to care.

This is a frequent issue for Strong Powerful and Direct Communicators. Like all of us, we forget that we are different and think that we can all approach situations in a similar way. The fact that confrontation is so comfortable for her means she may have no understanding of someone who finds is completely frightening.

Similarly a Strong Playful and Influencing Communicator can have no understanding of the fear of a shy person. They struggle to see how someone can be frightened of speaking to some they don’t know because they are so comfortable with it.

So, thank you Dee and the Block for illustrating so beautifully such a common communication problem. If you relate and have struggled to deal with a Strong Communicator, to be assertive or say ‘No’ then check out our course on how to Master difficult conversations https://teamology.com.au/courses/madc/

You can learn some really simple and powerful strategies so that you are able to deal more effectively with such situations both at work and personally. Don’t put it off any longer; you deserve the freedom that speaking up for yourself brings.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Steady, the Analytical and Stress

3:56 pm

Did you know that 92% of Australians feel unfulfilled in their jobs?  Much of this may be attributed to stress and feeling disconnected in the workplace.  Continuing our discussion on stress and how it affects each Communication Style today we will look further into the Steady and Analytical Communication Styles.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is the quiet, people focused, consistent team member that loves harmony and for everyone to get along.  They avoid change and conflict like the plague.  When stressed, they will retreat further into themselves and try to pretend nothing is going on.

This style is very difficult to read so most often won’t show the signs of stress until it has been going on for quite a while.  Unfortunately, you won’t get a warning until the volcano blows!!   As you can imagine this is really hard for team members as they have no warning and seeing a usually quiet Patient and Steady style do their block is a sight to behold.

If this happens it is important to remember that the pre cursing event is one of MANY that have lead to this blow up.  This is one of the complications of the “Patient and Steady” letting everything build up until they cannot take any more.   It is very important for the “Patient and Steady” communicator to feel supported after a blow up happens, as they are always willing to support others.  They will appreciate a willing ear and a friendly smile.

If this is you, remember it is ok to ask for help and to say “No” when you need to.  If you are a “Patient and Steady” communicator you will respond to stress by needing to sleep more.  So take the time and allow yourself to do this when you need.

Many Patient and Steady Communicators do well in learning how to be more assertive, particularly when dealing with a more assertive style such as the Powerful and Direct or Playful and Influencing communicator. If this is you or someone you know check out our upcoming course on how to Master the Art of Difficult Conversations, in Sydney this November.

The “Perfect and Conscientious” comes across as highly detailed, organised, wanting perfection and quite task oriented.  When stressed they become even more task focused, they demand perfection and can become quite critical of others.  As you can imagine if your bench mark is perfection this is already a recipe for stress.  So if you notice your “Perfect and Conscientious” style team mate becoming more critical than usual, more controlling, if they seem tense and more anxious than usual it could be a sign that they are under stress.

Don’t take their criticism to heart, it is an outward sign of their inward battle.  Ask them if they need support, offer to help them get a plan together so they can get through whatever is causing them stress too.  If this is you, be kind to yourself, you will usually need some quiet alone time to deal with your hectic inner world.  Make sure you do this so that you can effectively deal with the cause of your stress.

For all of us, awareness of our own stress levels is key.  Realising that the people around us are affected by the way our behaviour and communication changes under stress is important.  I think it funny that when we are under stress, we behave differently toward others, they may not respond well and our stress can increase!  What a vicious and unhelpful cycle!

When you notice your stress increasing the best thing to do is acknowledge it, ask for support or help and get a plan.  Ignoring it is never the answer.  Ensure you allow yourself to do what helps you when stressed whether it be exercising, socialising, sleeping, quiet time or a combination; do what works for you.

I noticed a few years ago when my Husband and I were both stressed at the same time for different reasons.  When he is stressed he likes to socialise and I need a combination of exercise and quiet time.  He was really pushing to go out and it was honestly the last thing I wanted to do.  What did we do?  We compromised.  I said to him that I needed an hour to walk and think on  my own, when I got back I felt so much better and was able to then socialise as he so badly needed.

It is so important to take responsibility for your feelings, be able to share them, acknowledge and respect the needs of others.  In relationships, the whole mind reading thing really doesn’t work!

Next time we will look at a current and real life example of these interactions and how different communicators respond to stress.   Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Dominant, the Influencer and stress

11:19 am

Each person responds differently to stress, each communication style responds in their own unique way.   Today we will look at how the Dominant and Influencing Communicators respond to stress. There are some common trends though so let’s see which on you relate most too.  This is helpful for you to know because whether you acknowledge it or not, the people around you will notice a change in you when your stress levels rise.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator can already comes across as task oriented, blunt, driven, even bossy.  When stressed they will become even more driven, blunt, decisive, quick thinking and moving.  They will exert even more “control” as their world spins out of control.  They may come across as aggressive which can be quite negative in a workplace.  So if you work with someone like this, your world can get quite difficult when they become stressed.

It is really important not to take their behaviour personally.  Be courageous and ask them if they are ok.  Yes, even these guys need support and would appreciate you asking.  They often have no idea how they come across and don’t understand why their team mates are backing away slowly when they enter the room!  If this is you, you need to acknowledge the stress and then ensure you have helpful strategies to address it.  Things such as exercise will help to burn or your excess adrenaline and allow you to think and gain some calm.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator comes across as, people oriented, the life of the party, they are talkative, fun, colourful and optimistic.  When they become stressed they will talk even more, be even more loud and flighty (if that’s possible).  It may be hard to keep up with them it may seem like they are on something!  Eventually they may become quite short and may even snap which is completely out of character for them.  This can damage work relationships, as they are usually so friendly and willing to chat.

Again, don’t take their behavior personally, ask them if they are ok, and if they need any support.  The “Playful and Influencing” communicator likes to be included in all interactions but if they are either talking too much or becoming snappy they will begin to be shut out; this is like torture for them.   If this is you, take the time to work out what may be causing the stress for you.  Get a plan and get your stress under control.  Things such as socialising are really important for you when you are feeling stress.

Next time we will look at how the Patient and Steady Communicator and Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicators respond to stress. Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

So why do we miscommunicate?

12:53 am

So, why do we miscommunicate?? Our lives imprint on us, with each experience.  Good, bad or indifferent each if our experiences leave their mark.   Our lives become like a scrapbook with a theme; for example, you may think  “I am a well liked, confident person who makes good decisions”, or “I am worthless, people don’t care about me and I am alone”.   Two very opposing views but you get my point.

It is really important to understand this because our life theme and experiences colour each communication we have.  This is our frame of reference.  It is your reality and is difficult to change especially if you are not even aware of it!  The more “positive” or optimistic you are, the less likely you are to be offended by someone because a negative view does not match your internal story.  The same goes for the opposite, if you have a poor view of yourself then you may feel the need to defend yourself and that people attack you, when they are not. So, if you think everyone is out to get you then each communication will distort to fit your theme, your frame of reference.

The way you view the world will therefore affect and drive your response to everyday experiences.  I am being very simplistic here just to illustrate the point.  I raise that each person is far more complex than this in the big scheme of things. Your reactions, your mindset are coloured by your filter.  A really simple example of this is the translation when you are an optimist versus a pessimist.  This would translate simply to being a hopeful if you are an optimist and feeling hopeless if you are a pessimist. When you see the world differently to someone else it affects your perspective, your expectations and your assumptions.

A common example I have noticed is in a team environment when you have the “quiet” people versus the more “talkative” people.  I was working with a team recently and there was one team member who was so socially anxious he would not make eye contact or say “hello”.  In fact, he struggled so much that even if a colleague said “good morning” to him, he was unable to respond. His team mates responded to his behaviour with resentment.  They thought that he felt he was too good for them, that he was just plain rude.  This meant there was quite a tangible tension in this team.  This environment only made the relationship stress worse.

When in a workshop, this fellow was able to communicate that he is frightened to make eye contact and to even say “hello”, everything changed in his teams assumptions and expectations of him.  Their resentment changed to understanding and almost sorrow for him. With time, and trust building, he became more able to make eye contact with his colleagues and to say hello.  In fact, at the last workshop, he was a significant contributor to the discussion that was so great to see.

What is important for you to remember is that everyone has a story, and we all have our own struggles.  We all see the world in a unique way and we all want to connect and be valued.  So if you are not connecting with someone, if there is someone who is ticking you off or pushing your buttons, they may not be intentionally making your life difficult. It may simply be because they are wired differently to you.

In coming posts we will discover more about the different communication styles and what makes them tick.  You will relate more to a particular style and you will see traits from other styles in your colleagues, friends and family.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.