Mastering your Emotions Pt 2

Last week we spoke about Mastering your emotions.  This is a critical skill to leading a happier, more fulfilling life.  Your emotions are here to serve you. They act as markers for you to listen to what is going on, to show you that you need to take care of yourself, to warn you of potential danger. They are very useful if you use them as you should. To do this you need to master your emotions and allow yourself to process them as they come up.

Too many people become Masters of ignoring, quashing or vomiting all over the first person who turns up at their worst instead of….Stopping, listening, asking themselves, what am I feeling, where is this coming from? do I need space or time?  Living with your head in the sand has to stop people!

If you did not read the first part ‘Mastering your Emotions Pt 1,’ then please do so by going here. Otherwise you are literally only getting half of the picture.

Here is the third tip on how to gain Mastery of your Emotions.

3) Get Curious About What You Can Learn

Getting curious helps you master your emotion, solve the challenge, and prevent the same problem from occurring in the future.

Here’s some Empowering Questions to find the empowering meaning in any negative emotion or situation:

  1. a) What else could this mean?
  2. b) What can I learn from this?
  3. c) How do I want to feel?
  4. d) What would I have to believe to feel that way right now?
  5. e) What am I willing to do about it right now?

 4) Get Confident

The fastest, simplest, and most powerful way to handle any emotion is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and realise that you’ve successfully handled this emotion before.

If you handled it in the past, you can handle it again today.

Ask yourself, “What did I do back then to deal with this emotion?”

If you do the same things, you will get similar results.

5) Look for evidence of your own past success

Again, you want to remember the ways you’ve handled this emotion in the past, and rehearse handling situations where this Action Signal would come up in the future.

Ask yourself, “What are 3-4 ways I could change my perception when an Action Signal comes up?”

Here’s a few suggestions:

To change your perception, ask yourself, “What else could this mean?” or “What’s great about this?”

Another great question may be, “What can I do now to feel the way I want?”

At first your brain might say, “NOTHING!” But if you push yourself and keep asking, you will come up with an answer.

A powerful thing I did when I used to become anxious about presenting to a group would be to acknowledge the butterflies in my stomach (that felt like ostriches), and say “how exciting is this???”  This would help me take myself from a place of fear to a more anticipatory and excited outlook.  After all it’s not about me, it’s about how I can help others.

6) Take Action

The final step is to get excited of the fact that you can easily handle this emotion and take some action right away to prove that you’ve handled it.

And when is the best time to handle an emotion?  When you first begin to feel it!

You want to hug and handle this monster while it’s little.

Obviously, to know how to master your emotions takes practice.  The more that you use these steps to emotional mastery, the better you will get at mastering your emotions.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.




Did you know that you can master your emotions? Emotions should not run your life. Yes, we all feel them all of the time, but they should not control you.

I have found in my years of consulting, counselling and training that in many cases people are on auto pilot and are reacting out of emotions that have not even been acknowledged.

When you are reactive you are not in control and are giving all of your power away to the situation. This only creates more frustration, confusion and also emotion.

A very wise woman said to be once that the word motion is part of emotion because you need to feel it and then let it move. There has to be an element of motion. When you feel emotions and allow them to move on that no longer control you or your behaviour.

I sat with a lovely man a few days ago after speaking at an event. He looked me in the eyes and asked me “How do I stop feelings things so much?” This lovely man with tears in his eyes was completely lost. He wanted these really strong emotions he was feeling of being helpless, feeling out of control, feeling burdened to just go away.

Here are some simple tips to manage emotions so that at that critical time when someone has pushed your button you are able to remain in control.

I shared with him what I have learned over many years and that is to allow yourself to feel. It is only when you suppress or try and hold the emotions inside or ignore them that they grow.

He looked at me like I was slightly whacky and said “surely that’s not it?”

I asked him to give it a go and see what happened. I then shared with him these tips to help him become the Master of his own Emotions.

1) Identify What You’re Really Feeling

When you’re experiencing this negative emotion or Action Signal, ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?”

Get clarity on the emotion.  “Am I feeling angry, or is it something else?”  The power of acknowledging what you are feeling is so powerful.

 2) Acknowledge Your Emotions

Be thankful they are sending you a message. Cultivate the feeling of appreciation for all your emotions. They are there to serve you.  They are great gauges of how we are doing, do we need to rest? look after ourselves? listen to our intuition? and much more.

Next time we will continue with some more useful ideas on how to manage your emotions.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.


The Stabiliser and Stress

Today we discuss the Stabiliser and Stress.  In our last few installments we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in Stress. We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. If you would like to learn about the Influencer and stress then go here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

The Patient and Steady Communicator or Stabiliser is all about Relationship. They crave harmony, run like the clappers from confrontation and just want us all to get along. They show peace and calm, they are slow to speak, seemingly serene and don’t show much emotion. They will often say things like “Whatever you think” and will rarely make a decision. They are always agreeing with the status quo, are really good listeners and as loyal as they come.

The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator loves to listen, support and to be consistent. They love a steady and predictable environment, need lots of time to adapt to change and don’t like to rock the boat, or have theirs rocked!!

You may think they could be a push over – but you are wrong! These guys have a spine like steel! They may not say “No” to you face, that is too confrontational but you won’t be able to make them do what they don’t want to do.

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of this style for the more direct outspoken Powerful and Direct Communicators. If they don’t agree they will say “No.” They have no fear of the word No, and do not understand anyone who does. Whereas the ‘Patient and Steady’ style finds the ‘Powerful and Direct’ far too confronting, do to avoid a conflict will agree or just even stay quiet. The ‘Powerful and Direct’ assumes agreement and the ‘Patient and Steady’ does what they were going to do anyways.

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Patient and Steady’ communicators have no idea how frustrating their avoidance of confrontation can be. They do not understand that staying quiet and not saying how you feel is really confusing for everyone else, particularly when you are asked. The ‘Patient and Steady’ just wants everyone to get along peacefully.

They have a real fear around saying ‘No’ and upsetting people. So they avoid it at all costs. What they don’t often get is that when they avoid or procrastinate they are still saying ‘No’ just in a more confusing way.

The ‘ Powerful and Direct’ Communicator is the polar opposite of the ‘Patient and Steady.’ Remember, the ‘ Powerful and Direct’ is all about quick decisions, fast talking, fast walking get results. They love competition, adventure, crave results and need respect. They are natural leaders, and can tend to take over. This works well for the ‘S’ style who does not naturally like to make decisions. It’s all beautiful until there is a difference in opinion.

So, if you are working or living with a gentle and kind ‘S’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be avoidant and stubborn. The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator is such a loyal and caring friend. You just need to give them time to feel safe in your friendship so that they can speak up. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to create an environment where they are feeling safe and courageous enough to speak up.

I live with many ‘Patient and Steady’ styles and they challenge me constantly. Because they are hard to read and can be easily offended by my direct style I need to really be conscious of how I come across.

The Patient and Steady and Stress may be unexpected in terms of the relationship.  Under stress the ‘Patient and Steady’ can become highly avoidant, do things more slowly, procrastinate because they do not wish to cause any issues. They can appear cold and uncaring. But they just don’t show emotions; it is a protective mechanism for them. Under stress they can become even quieter, more avoidant, show even less emotion and seem to shut down.

For example, at work, you have Stewart who is an ‘Patient and Steady’ style who wants relationships to work well, he is loyal, consistent and reliable. He is quiet, sometimes you don’t even know he is in a meeting, he is always the one people go to for a debrief because he is so caring and such a good listener.

Sometimes you may feel confused because you ask Stewart how he feels about an issue in the office and he nods to all you say, doesn’t say much back but his behavior implies that he agrees. Yet you find out at a meeting with your manager later that you are the only one with an issue no one else feels the same way you do.

You are infuriated because you feel hung out to dry. You confront Stewart who listens and still says not much, you ask directly, why didn’t you speak up? You get nothing. Now you feel really unsupported.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be kind, supportive, ensure you really manage your emotions and ask them how they feel. Actually ask the question “is everything ok? When we spoke earlier I really felt supported by you and that we were on the same page have I misinterpreted?

Then comes the most critical phase. STOP and allow the to answer. Do not pressure them, do not push them to answer but patiently wait. By doing this you are seeing them, you are allowing them to respond in their time, which is slower than the other styles and you need to be completely patient, supportive and non confrontational.

Now this may feel really frustrating but honestly, the stabiliser will appreciate you slowing down and really hearing them. The ‘Patient and Steady’ style needs to feel related too and heard. They are such patient and good listeners they really appreciate the same back. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this will build a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are struggling with the avoidance and procrastination. It also needs to be acknowledged that not speaking up is a bad habit of the ‘S”. There are times where they need to build on their courage. It is healthy for people to be able to speak up.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.


Kylie Warry



The Influencer and Stress

Today we will discuss the Playful and Influencing and Stress.  In a recent installment we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress ( if you missed it click here). We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, with either yourself or another stress head!

The Playful and Influencing Communicator is all about Recognition. They want to be liked and to be the centre of attention. They show warmth, they are fun and overly talkative. They will often say things like “I have an idea!” but will rarely follow through. They are always making jokes and trying to make someone laugh.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator loves to talk, to have fun, to entertain. They are often very charismatic and love colours , anything to stand out!! They laugh loud and from their toes!

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Playful and Influencing’ communicators have no idea how they come across. Or they believe that regardless they are so lovely so how could they be difficult? They do not understand that some people can find them overbearing or even rude if they talk too much. The ‘I’ juts wants to be liked.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is the the polar opposite of the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ Communicator. Remember, the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ is all about efficiency, perfection, detail and doing tasks as well and as thoroughly possible. They love detail, checklists, order, high quality, they are not too talkative and do not wish to stand out.

So, if you are working or living with a ‘Playful and Influencing’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be rude if they talk too much they just want to be heard and liked. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is also highly optimistic so may get carried away with an idea or put their hand up for a project. However, as soon as the excitement wears off so does their energy and progress. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to keep them accountable.

I am married to an ‘Playful and Influencing’ and he is the colour in my world. His energy is amazing, he is always optimistic and full of ideas. Sometimes he gets a bit excited with how much can be squeezed into a 24 hour period, but he is so much fun.  One of  the keys to me being able to love him and fully appreciate who he is has been understanding.  This is also a two way street.  He has also taken the time to understand me.

Under stress the attributes of the Influencer become magnified. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ tends to speak more and listen less, they will talk purely for the sake of it and it is all about them craving the recognition. They can appear very selfish and egotistical. But they just want to be liked and recognised for who they are. Under stress they can become even more flighty and zip about like a fly at a window.

For example, at work, their is Lilly who is an “Playful and Influencing” style who wants recognition, and sees the good and fun side to everything. She is talkative, funny, speaks fast, speaks a lot, seems flippant some times and you sometimes wonder how to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes you may feel like you try to share some of your stories BUT they get lost in theirs. They always have another story, a better, more hilarious story. Eventually you stop trying to share.

Sometimes when speaking with Lilly, you see her glaze over as she becomes ‘bored’ and moves onto a more interesting topic or person. This hurts you, but she seems oblivious. The truth is she is. None of this is personal at all; she really wants you to like her, to think she is funny and entertaining.

Under stress, she gets even worse, more talkative, more self focused, you may even feel hurt and ignored by her behavior. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be ‘kind’ right back. Not rude, don’t shut them out or ignore them but actually ask the question “is everything ok? You seem distracted today, I’ve tried to talk to you but you aren’t hearing me. By doing this you are seeing them, you are recognising them.

For example Lilly says to you fast and fun, “how was your weekend?” As you begin to answer, she jumps right on over the top of you and tells you all about hers.

You could consider saying with patience and care “Lilly, are you ok? you seem distracted today. You asked me about my weekend and I’d love to share but I feel like you aren’t listening to me, is everything all right?”

Now this may be freaking you out right now but honestly, the influencer will appreciate you noticing. The ‘I’ style needs to feel recognised and heard and will really appreciate you noticing. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this builds a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are not enjoying this one-way conversation. Healthy conversations need to be 2-way.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Kylie Warry


Sydney’s light bulb moment

Did you see it? Sydney’s light bulb moment?  Check out the picture to the right care of the SMH and Reuters Jan1 2015.   It was truly beautiful.  However, light bulb moments can be beautiful, scary, shocking or saddening. Sometimes all at once.

As we leave 2014 in history and forge ahead into 2015 and what lies beyond it is always important to stop and take stock. Notice what has happened to us and around us (being enlightened, being aware). Learn from the past, whilst being kind to ourselves.

The light bulb in the fireworks display was to represent The International Year of Light – as endorsed by the United Nations. This symbol is to raise awareness of how optical technologies promote sustainable development and provide solutions to worldwide challenges in energy, education, agriculture, communications and health (as stated in the SMH Jan 1, 2015)

At Teamology we “love it” when we notice the light switch on for someone in how they communicate or connect with someone. It is why we exist, to facilitate this process.

It can be as simple as someone realising that when they interrupt a colleague at work their colleague interprets that as disrespect and that is why there is tension. They never intended to be disrespectful but to help.

Similarly, a spouse bombarded by hard questions from their partner freezes up not knowing what to say. Their partner interprets this as them not caring. Again, we have growing tension. When the true meaning is understood by both parties we have real and powerful connection.

We call such realisations “light bulb moments” and we live for them. We get so excited when we see this happen to someone and for someone.

So I ask you to take the time to think of what has 2014 taught you? What were your light bulb moments? Please share if you feel up to doing so.

I had many, particularly after in late 2013 being diagnosed with cancer. That in itself produced many light bulb moments. The experience of being told “you have cancer” is certainly one of those breathtaking moments, where you decide in a split second what is important and what you stand for.  If you would like to read more about my experience you can check out my blog all about my experience with cancer here.

For me and my family 2014 added many more. For example, learning that my old ways of coping and thinking were not going to get me through I had to evolve. To grow.

My old and entrenched habit of pushing through despite what I needed had to stop. My body was weak and tired, besides I deserved more. I had the mental strength to put stress and hurts behind me but it still physically took such a great toll.

Learning that I am not the total sum of what I produce was another biggie for me. I am a Human being, not a Human doing. Whoa….. say what???

I am enough….. whether I do or produce another thing in my entire life< I am worthy whether or not I produce, achieve or do something tomorrow. What a light bulb moment for me.

So I hope you take the time to consider what you learned in 2014, what it can teach you, how it can help you evolve to live a life that is filled with more meaning, love laughter, joy and happiness.

As I learned in the past 12 months, we don’t have forever to get it right, so learn quickly, enjoy immensely and live generously.  If you would like to learn more about becoming a more Enlightened Communicator complete this quick quiz.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.



What is trust? Pt 1

What is Trust? It is something we all speak about, it is necessary for healthy relationships but what is it exactly?

Trust by definition is “a firm belief or reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.” Trust is necessary for our relationships to flourish.

We can build or destroy trust in many ways here are a few ideas around how to build trust. Next time we will talk about how we destroy trust.

Let’s look at this from both a business and a personal perspective. There are five excellent ways for people and leaders to build trust into their teams, and in their personal relationships. Additionally there are five quick ways to lose it. First let’s consider how to Build it.

Establish and maintain integrity.

It is the foundation of trust in any organisation or relationship. Integrity must begin at the top and then move down through an organisation. In our relationships Integrity must be present at the beginning and remain. This means, among other things, keeping promises and always telling the truth, no matter how difficult it might be. If it’s people have integrity, an organisation can be believed.  In your personal relationships having integrity means that you are consistent, caring and honest.

 Communicate vision and values.

Communication is important, since it provides the artery for information and truth. By communicating the organisation’s vision, management defines where it’s going. By communicating its values, the methods for getting there are established.

Taking the time to communicate values in your personal relationships is well worth it too. As a family it is very powerful to consider what values you hold as a family and why. This takes things to a whole new level for your kids and gets many unspoken assumed things out into the open.

Consider all as equal partners.

 Trust is established when even the newest rookie, a part-timer, or the lowest paid employee feels important and part of the team. The same for families, everyone has an equal say. This begins with management not being aloof, as well as getting out and meeting the troops. For families and friends it’s about everyone having a voice and being heard.

This should be followed by leaders seeking opinions and ideas (and giving credit for them). Even simple things like knowing the names of employees and their families and treating one and all with genuine respect.

Personally, some of the best ideas can come from the kids in families too. With inquisitive questioning asking, why do we do things this way? Why not a new way? At the very least you are communicating with them and explaining why even if change does not come about.

Focus on shared, rather than personal goals.

When employees feel everyone is pulling together to accomplish a shared vision, rather than a series of personal agendas, trust results. This is the essence of teamwork. When a team really works, the players trust one another.

In the same way families can function as wonderfully well oiled teams. After all you are a group of people working toward coming goals aren’t you?

Do what’s right, regardless of personal risk.

We all know intuitively what’s “right” in nearly every situation. Following this instinctive sense, and ignoring any personal consequences will nearly always create respect from those around us. From this respect will come trust.

Next time we will consider how we can destroy trust.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.


3 Communication tips for Surviving the silly season

Surviving the silly season, they call it the silly season for a reason you know?

The festive season is a time when many of us spend time with our loved ones. For many of you family on a good day can be complicated. Every family has skeletons in the closet, past hurts, regrets, resentments and just their own particular blind spots.

When we get together in the festive season it’s really important that we take care to ensure that we are able to enjoy our time together as families. The purpose behind these thoughts are to ensure that you get the most out of your festive season.

Here are just a few thoughts that will keep you enjoying the festive season;

1) Don’t bring up old wounds.

Even if you need to sort some of these things out Christmas time is probably not the best time. Give yourself the space you need, be kind to yourself, don’t have expectations of anyone else’s behaviour and just enjoy the the season. If you really do need to sort out something from the past make sure that you’ve done a lot of preparation first and then ask the other person if they are willing to talk about this with you.  If they aren’t let it go until  better time comes along.

2) Accept people as they are

For some reason many of us go into the festive season hoping that things have changed. We sometimes blindly believe that a family member who drives us crazy will somehow be different this time. In truth, they will not change.  The only thing that will change is your attitude towards them. If you can’t be around then then give yourself space. But please don’t expect them to change that only setting yourself up for more disappointment.

3) Look for the best in people

Everyone has good points, everyone has strengths. Rather than focusing on what drives you crazy do something different. Choose to focus on something that they do well, that contributes, that makes a difference to someone else. No matter how small if you can focus on this you will have a much better experience.

I pray that you all have a safe and wonderful holiday season. We are working hard to ensure that we serve you well in 2015. We have many new ideas and projects on the way. We want to be a wonderful resource for you. Thank you so much for your support in 2014 we look forward to sharing a prosperous 2015 with you. Merry Christmas to you all.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

When Opposite Communicators interact

When opposite Communicators interact it can get ugly.  There can be misunderstanding, tension and ultimately conflict.  Today we will look at the Direct and Steady Communicators interacting.

We have discussed the Powerful and Direct Communicator many times however, here is a quick summary for you. The direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused and outgoing. They like to make quick decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.  They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh. However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is one that is patient, quiet and does not show emotion.  They are people focused and reserved.  These guys are all about relationship and everyone getting along.  They crave harmony and really don’t like confrontation or change.  If you know someone with this style they are the people you go to when you near a good listener and a cup of tea.  They don’t make a fuss are fiercely loyal and have a quiet stubbornness about them.

This style does not care so much for action, results and competition – they are the the mortar between the bricks, holding everyone together. As you can imagine, if you work with this style and don’t understand it, you could be having some frustrations.  These guys are very good at chugging along consistently, at a slow and steady pace.  They may procrastinate because change is scary and they really find saying ‘No’ a challenge.

So what can happen when these two styles come together?  Firstly, they are polar opposites.  They have very little in common, the Powerful and Direct style is all about results and the Patient and Steady style is all about relationships. The “Powerful and Direct” style can be perceived by the “Patient and Steady” style as cold and uncaring.  Patient and Steady Communicators can find the Powerful and Direct Communicator far to confrontational and aggressive initially.  However, because these styles are so opposite you often find that they marry each other.  Amazing hey?  The “Patient and Steady” Style loves the boldness and strength of the “Powerful and Direct” whilst the “Powerful and Direct” communicator loves the relaxed and serene nature of the “Patient and Steady”.

In the workplace, the “Patient and Steady” style can be perceived by the “Powerful and Direct” style as too slow and lacking courage to speak up.  The “Powerful and Direct” is impatient and has no trouble telling anyone what they thin,.  The “Patient and Steady” does not like to rock the boat and can find the ‘D” highly confrontational even bully like.

Can you imagine these two working on a project together? The “Powerful and Direct” can be all about it’s their way or the highway while the “Patient and Steady” has great ideas too, they just are unlikely to speak up in front of the bossy “Powerful and Direct”.  The “Patient and Steady” will agree on the surface, feeling unable to speak up and afterward will do what they were going to do anyway,  This drives the “Powerful and Direct” style bonkers as they don’t understand why the “Patient and Steady” just did not speak up.  After all, they would!

The “Powerful and Direct” would love the patience, go wight he flow nature of the “Patient and Steady” has toward others, rather than potentially offending and scaring people like a strong “Powerful and Direct” can. These two styles can work so well together if they are aware of how they can potentially cause tension and how to bring out the best in others.

For example, the Strong “Powerful and Direct” can be all about results but an aware “Powerful and Direct” will realise that getting results through people is smart. The Strong “Patient and Steady” may be more focused on people and relationships however at some point will need to produce a result and speak up.   This may require standing up for themselves and saying what they think at a risk of offending someone.  The two can work together to get a great result with a motivated and consistent team work.

It all comes down to realising we are all different and that we all have something to offer, something valuable. So next time that Strong “Powerful and Direct” communicator is telling you what to do and is not open to suggestions; a good starting point may be to understand they are all about the result and they don’t realise how offensive their direct style can be.

Next time the Strong “Patient and Steady” is avoiding a difficult conversation or saying “Yes” again when they know they need to say “No,” be patient with them.  Encourage them, their fear of confrontation is mind numbing for them.  They would rather say “Yes” at their own costs than risk offending someone.

If you would like to understand your own Communication style and that of those you work with, check out our workshops and resources at  Understudying your own communication style and how to understand others is such a rewarding and worthwhile investment of your time.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Who gets your best?

Can I ask you a question? Who gets your best? We live in a funny old world that can sometimes have us with our priorities all the wrong way about.

If you stop and think about it who does get your best?

Is it your loved ones or is it your boss or colleagues at work?  Is it your hungry for attention child / partner or a client that causes your unending trouble.  Is it your loving and forever friends or a business you are working to get off the ground or out of a hole?  It’s really worthwhile taking time to consider this.

Most of you if you were asked why do you work, there would be at some theme around the necessity to work so you can earn a living and provide for your families.  Am I right?

If you are one of the lucky ones you love what you do, that is truly a bonus!  But, how many times have you found yourself in the situation where life and work just gets crazy and takes over?

You drag your sorry butt in the door after a big day, you bark at your partner or spouse because they want a piece of you, you yell at your kids as they ask for a piece of you and you look for the wine glass to be full. Can anyone relate?

I have felt like this many times throughout my career and I love what I do. However, without careful management and dedication to keeping you eyes on things the balance beam can slip into unhealthy really quickly.

I heard a seminar by a very wise man recently and he spoke about keeping some space before our boundary so that when we get home we have energy and time for those we love the most. If we spend everything we have at work then we come home empty and harassed. We have nothing left to give.

Then we end up giving our worst to the ones we love the most.  Look, if you are honest we have all done this at one time or another. If you can’t relate then you are on the wrong blog seriously.  Perhaps go find angels anonymous or something!  Or come and teach me how you do it, because I find it a continual juggle to get the balance right.

So how do we keep the space and ensure we have enough when we get home? I believe it is a combination of things. Here are a few of my ideas;

  • Knowing yourself well enough to know when you are becoming overwhelmed.  Then ask for help!
  • Being able to have healthy boundaries at work so that you don’t allow your work to dominate your life all of the time.
  • Knowing what fills your tank so that you are giving back to yourself, this is your responsibility not someone else’s.
  • Ensuring that you fill your own tank with activities that bring you a sense of joy and fulfillment.
  • Being able to just “be” even if it is for a short time.
  • Keeping things in a healthy perspective.
  • Setting goals for yourself and with your family (if you don’t know where you are headed you will never get to where you want to be).
  • In coming articles we will cover some of these points in more detail because I really believe this is important stiff to get right in your lives.  It is sad when you find yourself giving your all to people who don’t matter & leaving nothing in your tank for the people who do matter most.  I encourage you to take the time to check in and see where you are at. You and your relationships are worth it.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.



When Strong Communicators don’t listen

I had a really interesting experience recently. I was working with a client who explained that there is a person they have to deal with often who is a very strong communicator.

They are likely a Powerful and Direct style who loves problems and challenges, craves Results, is very black and white and can come across as confrontational and even aggressive. Such people can be highly opinionated to the point where the only opinion that can exist in conversation with them is theirs!!

My client was really struggling because they had realised that this person was very good at saying “No” but did not hear when others said “No” to them. How interesting I thought so I wanted to share this with you all

Such a strong Communicator has absolutely no issue with boundaries and looking after their own interests. Most of them don’t even realise how much they can come across like a bully at times. They honestly think every one else finds it just as easy to say “No,” when needed.

However, here is where it gets interesting.  Because they are such strong Communicators and can be so confrontational – usually people don’t actually say “No” to them!  So they get this false sense of reality, that there are no issues and they go on their merry way.

When someone finally comes along that says “No” to them; they don’t even hear it. You actually have to say to them something like, “Sorry, I just said No, I don’t agree with that and you have not heard me.”  Be persistent, they are!

Now I spend much of my training and coaching time helping people become more assertive. If this is you and you struggle with the idea of being assertive, you may be having a stroke right now at the thought of being so assertive and direct.  In fact, many people I consult with are worried that they will seem rude and uncaring.

This is far form the truth and the amazing thing is, it works! Strong Communicators need to be Communicated in a strong and direct way. They get it and even more importantly they respect it. The trouble comes when people avoid them and are not direct with them.

One of the keys to great communication is adapting your style to your listener. So if you are reading this I am sure you are becoming more aware, more conscious and enlightened each day so you understand that even if confrontation scares the heck out of you, it is the best way to be understood by a Strong Communicator.

Best of all they don’t see it as confrontation, I promise. You are the only one struggling with this idea, not them.  Just have a go, remember don’t be rude, be respectful, stick to the facts, use “I” messages, be assertive and you will get through to that Strong Communicator.

If you need help with these Communication skills, we can help!  Check out our website by clicking here and drop us a line, or send an email and we can begin to resource you.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.


Lets change our world for the better one conversation at a time.