conflict

Even when it’s risky, do you speak up?

11:30 am

How  often have you seen something or heard something you know is not right and not said anything?  We all do it and sometimes the outcomes can be devastating!

Sue was in hospital for a routine tonsillectomy.  She was otherwise a very healthy woman in her mid thirties.  While in theatre the surgeon scrubbed in and proceeded to operate and removed her right foot!

Worse than that, there were 7 other people in that theatre that saw the surgeon doing the wrong thing and no one spoke up!  Why don’t we speak up?  For most of us it is fear, or complacency – we think “surely someone else will say something”.  Imagine how Sue felt when she woke to find such a horrible mistake had been made.  What about the surgeon?  How did he feel?

From a very early age we are subconsciously taught not to speak up.  This feeds into the idea that speaking up is risky.  We are not comfortable speaking up, what if we are wrong?  What if we look stupid? What if we make the other person angry?  Now hospitals are not the only place where this happens.  This occurs in workplaces every single day.  Think of the last time you saw something and knew it was not right, but thought “nope, I’m not saying a word, last time I spoke up I got in to trouble with the boss”.

Who in their right mind would want to anger someone in a position of authority over them?  Surely no one would? But here is the key!  Why does speaking up mean that we will anger someone?  I agree that we have all in the past avoided conversations because we are fearful of upsetting someone.  If we learn how to have these tricky conversations in a more effective way there is no need to fear the outcome.

The way you handle difficult conversations is usually one of two ways.  Firstly, you may become silent or sarcastic and use innuendo and subtle hints (like looks of disgust or disapproval) to get your point across.  How is that working for you?  When you hold back from sharing your true opinion you then create a situation where you may have to live with an outcome you did not agree to, but hey you didn’t speak up!

The other way is to become manipulative or aggressive and forceful to push your opinion onto someone else.  How is that working for you?  In this case you may get your way some of the time but I promise you it will be destroying your credibility and trust in your key relationships.  It’s just a matter of time.

How would you feel if you knew that you could have any conversations with anyone about anything?  These conversation and communication skills are accessible for you.  It’s about knowing how to create an environment where any topic can be addressed.  About creating an environment where it is safe for all parties to share their perspectives.  Once everyone knows where people stand honestly you can come to a mutually agreeable conclusion.

Have you ever thought, “there is absolutely no way I could ever say that!”  Or, “if I told them this they would be so upset!”  This may not be true, this is the story that you are telling yourself.  The skills of creating safety, sharing your opinion, remaining calm and working together to come up with a positive outcome is possible for us all.

in the next edition of light bulb moments we will discuss how your style impacts on how you handle difficult situations, what you feel and what you are likely to do.  When you understand yourself, you are more able to change the behaviours to get a better result.

Teamology is running a workshop in Sydney November 2014 that will teach you the skills to deal with these difficult conversations – details coming soon.  So if you are keen to feel more confident, to say what you need to say, to have that conversation you have been putting off then check out this workshop when it is released later this month.

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

When the Dominant and Influencer interact

5:15 am

We have discussed the Powerful and Direct Communicator previously however, here is a quick summary for you. The dominant styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused. They like to make quick decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.  They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh. However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

The Playful and Influencing style is one that is warm, fun and engaging. These guys are all about relationship and having fun. If you know someone with this style they can range from warm and friendly to zany and full of life, the life of the party.  This style does not care so much for organisation, rules, processes, work – it is simply not colourful or fun enough. As you can imagine, if you work with this style and don’t understand it, you could be having some frustrations. These guys are very good at motivating and energising people to do the work, not necessarily doing the work!

So what can happen when these two styles come together? They are both outgoing so have similar energy levels however, the Dominant style is all about results and the Inspiring style is all about recognition. The Dominant or “Powerful and Direct” style can be perceived by the Inspiring or “Playful and Influencing” style as cold and too focused on results, less on people.

While the “Playful and Influencing” style can be perceived by the “Powerful and Direct” style too emotional and lacking focus. Can you imagine these two working on a project together? The “Powerful and Direct” can be all about its their way or the highway while the “Playful and Influencing” has great ideas too, they just may not express them in a short succinct way like the “Powerful and Direct” needs to hear. The “Playful and Influencing” may be telling stories and nattering away while the “Powerful and Direct” goes crazy thinking of all the work they are not getting done.

The “Powerful and Direct” would love the enthusiasm, energy and motivating power that the “Playful and Influencing” has toward others, rather than potentially offending and scaring people like a strong “Powerful and Direct” can. These two styles can work so well together if they are aware of how they can potentially cause tension and how to bring out the best in others.

For example, the Strong “Powerful and Direct” can be all about results but an aware “Powerful and Direct” will realise that getting results through people is smart. The Strong “Playful and Influencing” may be more focused on people and relationships however at some point will need to produce a result. The two can work together to get a great result with a motivated and inspired team working with them.

It all comes down to realising we are all different and that we all have something to offer, something valuable. So next time that Strong “Powerful and Direct” communicator is telling you what to do and is not open to suggestions; a good starting point may be to understand they are all about the result and they don’t realise how offensive their direct style can be.

Next time the Strong “Playful and Influencing” is talking your ear off again about what they have been up to and is just not getting the job done, understand they just want to feel liked and appreciated for who they are. Some focused attention may be all they need.

If you would like to understand your own Communication style and that of those you work with, check out our workshops and resources.  understudying your own communication style and who to understand others is such a rewarding and worthwhile investment of your time.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

How do you cope with a Dominant, Powerful and Direct Communicator?

5:41 pm

How do you feel when you come face to face with someone who is after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward and task focused.  Those strong almost “Bossy” people who like to make quick decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.

These people can come across as aggressive, competitive and harsh.  If you are not wired the same way you can really struggle.  If you are just as strong then look out!  We may have world war III on our hands!

What if you are more relaxed, quiet, avoid conflict and really focused on having harmonious relationships?  This is the Patient and Steady style and chances are if you are required to be around one of these strong styles all you may feel is CONFLICT CONFLICT CONFLICT!!

The sad truth is that the strong or Powerful and Direct style really has no idea how they come across to the more gentle styles like the Patient and Steady style.  They are perceived as pushy, direct, fast and loud  in order to get their result.  They honestly have no idea how they come across to the world.

When I was a young manager I had a really difficult experience.  I was in the bathroom minding my own business when a group of my staff came in and literally started berating me in the office loo.  Of course, they did not know I was in there.   I listened to them say things like “She always has to be right!”,  “It’s her way or the highway”, “why is she so pushy?”.  As I listened to this barrage, my heart sank.  This was not my intention at all!  I thought I was caring, supportive and encouraging.  Obviously my staff did not feel the same way.

I knew I had a decision to make, I could let this make me bitter or I could learn from it.  So, I took a deep breath and walked out to confront my accusers.  You should have seen their faces!  Poor things, they nearly died!  The temptation to make them sweat was strong, I won’t deny it!  However, I thanked them for the feedback and promised that things would change.  This event was actually the driver for me learning about different communication styles.  I was so confused about how differently I was being perceived.  On the inside I felt completely different to how many people saw me.

What I learned was that I was a very strong Dominant or Powerful and Direct style (like 98 out of 100).  What this meant was that I can across as really direct, blunt, pushy, even aggressive at times.  Particularly to the more gentle styles such as the Patient and Steady style.  Funnily enough I was surrounded by them at work and at home!

What I needed to do was learn about myself and how I can be perceived (both good and bad) as well as how to dial down some of my communication techniques so that I didn’t create conflict.  I don’t want to create conflict I wanted the results which meant working well with all types of people.  I still struggle at times, there are some scarred Patient and Steady types walking this earth I am sure after an interaction with me!  This is an ongoing  learning process that is exponentially diverse.  However, continuing to develop your communication skills to positively affect all of your relationships is really worth it.

As a strong Powerful and Direct Communicator  I did not want to offend people, I don’t want to put pressure on them or create tension and conflict.  I honestly did not understand how I was being perceived.  When I made the effort to change how I interacted with people, by choosing different words, slowing down, being patient and accepting others for their unique strengths and skills, my world changed for the better.

Next time the Strong Powerful and Direct is being bossy, pushy, aggressive, please remember they most likely don’t mean it, they are just striving for the result they so desperately need.  Don’t take it personally, take a breath and focus on their good points.  I would also encourage you to let them know how you feel, how they come across to you, I bet they have no idea.

If you would like to know more about your communication style and how to work more effectively with others check out our courses page.  The next workshop “How to handle difficult conversations and get a good result” is being held in Sydney in November 2014 and will the the last one for the year.  Here you will learn how to handle difficult conversations, difficult people, how to structure a difficult conversation and how to be assertive.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Knowing your intentions

9:15 pm

 

Each new day is a new start – thank goodness. Sadly many people only consider this at the beginning of the year, that leaves you missing out on 364 new beginning opportunities each year!!!!  So let’s take a brief moment to talk about your intentions and priorities in terms of relationships for you.

What do you agree that we have control over?  All the strong Powerful and Direct Communicator say “everything?!”  You may agree, the only thing we actually have control over is ourselves and our reactions.  This is particularly important when it comes to communication and relationships.  We all have the option of choosing our response.  Every day we are faced with people we find easy to be around and others that are “not so easy”.  People that we can find challenging are usually either the same as us (for those strong dominant personalities) or the opposite of us.

The key to better communication is to raise your own awareness to what you find easy and not so easy.  It’s then realising that you have the choice to respond with understanding and patience.  Unfortunately, when someone pushes your buttons they usually have no idea.  We get so caught up emotionally on how much they are ruining our day and they have no idea!

If a fast-talking, harsh, blunt co-worker just drives you nuts, it is more than likely their communication style and they are oblivious to your frustration.  In fact they probably think they are being gentle.  Or if it is the slow moving, slow talking, gentle colleague that never says “No” and does not stand up for themselves, who you find difficult.  Again it is probably their style, they would never dream of annoying anyone!

If you pause and take a moment to separate the person from how you are feeling and not take these things personally (because they aren’t), you are well on the way to better communication.  Communication is key to success across all areas of your life.  Many of the biggest problems in business come down to poor communication.  Additionally, the stress associated with poor communication and relational tension can contribute to absenteeism and high staff turnover.

So it is in all of our interest to separate our emotional responses when there is poor communication.  Try these tips to assist you,

  • Look for the strengths in everyone, we all have them
  • Don’t take it personally
  • Realise that everyone has a different communication style

To help you to deal with these tricky situations, Teamology provides workshops to assist you to learn techniques to deal with “difficult people and difficult conversations.”   These workshops are available in house, as public workshops and also as an online option later in 2014, more details to come.

So if you can relate to struggling with a difficult person or people, to not being sure how to be assertive and say what you need to say, consider learning some new skills.

If you would like to know how to stand up for your self and get a good outcome then please check out our resources, particularly the November 2014 workshop, “how to handle difficult conversations and get a good result.” You are welcome to check out the training options and resources or email us with any questions. We are here to help.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

When two Powerful and Direct Communicators interact

10:11 am

We have discussed the Powerful and Direct communicator previously however here is a quick summary for you.  The Powerful and Direct communicator is after results, they don’t mess around, they are straight forward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way.  They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.

However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in. I worked recently with a Personal Assistant (PA) who has this strong personality type.  She was a highly efficient PA and loved her job.  However, since starting with a new Boss, a CEO she had really struggled, she felt that she was not appreciated, she felt like she was being micro-managed and not trusted to do her job.

The CEO asked for my assistance because he felt his PA was not the right person for the job.  When we looked closer at the situation what was really going on was that there were two very strong D’s interacting and neither of them were aware of the cause of this tangible tension. The CEO being a naturally strong D felt that he knew exactly what he wanted.  He wanted a PA that he could tell  what to do and when to do it, he didn’t need to show appreciation it was her job right?  He found her difficult at times even argumentative, he did not like it when she did things without him asking her to.

In addition, when she tried to tell him how to do things it drove him mad. Her response to this tension at work was to work harder, as she did so she became so stressed, worked really long hours, without a great result.  Remember D’s are all about results so this caused her immense anxiety and frustration.  The harder she worked the worse things got;  she really did not know what to do.

When we identified that both of these characters had strong Powerful and Direct in their communication style and that their intentions were the same – to do the best job possible and get a great result,  they were able to harness their strengths. The CEO was able to realise he could trust his PA to do a great job, that he did not need to tell her everything, that she could have ownership over some aspects of her work.  That freed him up to get more done and take on more challenges (another thing a strong Powerful and Direct communicator loves).

The PA then felt she has control over some decisions which was what she needed, she felt appreciated and was able to step back and stop putting in fruitless long hours.  She also had to manage her stress which she did by exercising each day (an essential requirement for a stressed Powerful and Direct communicator).

What you’ll usually find when two strong Powerful and Direct communicator come head to head is that they will both try to gain control.  As they do this they become more and more ego-centric, strong willed, bull like and demanding.  Without insight this can continue and the results can be quite ugly.

It is much smarter for these two to work together, work out who controls what, concede in fairness so a win /win can result.  It is a much better way to spend your energy working together for a great result than fighting against each other.  There are enough challenges out there for us all to take on!

If you relate to this situation, perhaps you work with someone who is a Powerful and Direct Communicator, you may have trouble speaking with them. You may feel unable to bring up issues, concerns or feel heard by them.  If this is your experience then you may need to develop some key communication skills.  We are holding a one day workshop just for you in Sydney November this year all about “How to handle difficult conversations and get a good result!”   We will advise of details on the website soon so keep a look out, help is on the way!

Until next time, Happy Communicating!  Why not join me changing the world one conversation at a time?  (Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.)

Ever been frustrated with someone?

3:01 pm

 

Frustration in relationships is common.  It can also be called relational tension.  It is all about negative tension in relationships.  Tension by definition means mental or nervous strain, a state of strained relations, uneasiness due to some form of hostility (adapted from www.yourdictionary.com).

As you may agree tension in relationships can be really difficult.  Communication is how we all makes our needs known, how we give others feedback and how we connect with others.  I want you to think of a time when there has been tension in a relationship.  It may have been at work or at home. It may have been an acquaintance or a close friend or relative.  How did it feel?

Usually tension causes an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, feelings of worry and avoidance, we can be jumpy, feel stressed and anxious.  If the tension is significant it become our entire reality until we sort it out.

Tension can occur at any time and usually when there is some type of disconnection or misinterpretation.  I was in a supermarket recently minding my own business, when there was a lovely elderly couple doing their shopping together.  I saw how they were talking together about the groceries and it was a lovely sight.  English was not there first language so I actually didn’t know what they were saying.  Then the frail elderly lady sneezed and as I always do I saying cheerfully ” bless you!”  She looked at me like I had threatened her, her husband came in close and wrapped his arm around her as if to protect her from me.  They slunk away and I felt awful.  I have no idea what they thought I said but it certainly was it the response I expected!!

Has anything like this ever happened to you?  Sadly it can happen often, our intention is one thing and the result may be another.  This is primarily because we are all different, we have different ways of communicating our ideas and the also interpret things differently.  If you are a softly spoken more gentle person, when you communicate with some who is fast and loud it can seem aggressive to you.  However, the fast talking louder person may just be speaking as they normally do with great enthusiasm.

Some people are really touchy feely when they speak and others like a nice circumference of at least 3 feet between them and another person.  The touchy feely person can interpret this as the person not liking them, when it’s really not personal at all.  Some of us like to touch when we communicate, others do not, we are just different.

It’s when we misinterpret the cues from others we can get ourselves into a lot of trouble.  The moment we assume something about someone else, or what they “mean” we are on a down hill slide to trouble.  Over coming weeks I am going to step you through various scenarios and examples of how our differences can cause these issues, with the aim being that you will catch yourself before you make the mistake of assuming.

Keep an open mind and learn from the mistakes of others, your relationships are worth it.  So, if you are struggling with relational tension, whether it be at work or at home, checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  If this would help someone you know please feel free to share this article with them.  Usually we feel relational tension with those people who are very opposite or very similar to us.

At Teamology we specialise in taking people and teams from confusion to clarity. It’s not as hard as you think. However, the first step is asking for the help. Check out our workshops page.  We have a workshop coming up in November that relates specifically to “how to have difficult conversations and get a good result” so keep a look out.   Alternatively, see if there is a workshop that is addressing your specific concerns, if not, no worries! We tailor training to your needs. For training to learn more about your style, how to be assertive, how to deal with difficult people, how to be emotionally resilient and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Are you a Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicator?

6:52 pm

The last but not least of the four communication styles is the Perfectionist and Conscientious style.  This amazing style is all about procedures, processes and perfection.  I prefer the word Perfectionist over Conscientious as I have had many people in workshops become disillusioned by the word Conscientious.

By Compliance we mean working to a system or order, not compliant.  Particularly to your own system or order however this style will work to someone else’s system or process if they agree with it, or if they see it as correct. This communication style is all about getting things right.

If you know someone with this style they are more reserved and task focused.  They are great at details, probably love stationary (known from personal experience) and are highly organized in many ways. In workshops its evident who the Perfectionist and Conscientious style is, as they are the ones who find any spelling errors or grammatical issues in my handouts or workbooks, (not that there is that many…..)  Gotta love them!

These guys are fearful of their work being criticized, how could they not be when perfection is their benchmark.  However, beware of criticising their work as they put a lot of effort into it being right.  It hurts them intensely if they are corrected, especially if it is not done gently. If you are working with someone for this style they will love details, if you challenge their facts you will need to provide statistical backup because they do know their stuff.

I know one Perfectionist and Conscientious person who reads the Australian Taxation website for fun (I have a headache just thinking about that).  They prefer a quiet and consistent work environment where any changes are explained, where they can be some type of technical expert. These guys are the polar opposite of the Inspiring style, they are not warm and demonstrative, they prefer tasks above people, they wont hug you in public; like a High I would!

However, if you need a job done that requires detail, high standards and quality, look no further. This style does not care so much for fun, they love rules, processes, and order- without it there would be complete chaos!  As you can imagine, if you know this style and don’t understand it, you could be having some frustrations.  These guys are very good at criticising and correcting people (but they don’t mean to be rude they just cannot stand things not being right).

If you need order in your chaos, they will sort you out. So we have now covered all four communication styles.  I trust you have seen the strengths in each.  We need each style for it’s unique differences.  No one style is above or better than the others.  We are all different and each of us brings incredible value.  Let’s be united by the differences – when we do this we can truly change the world in a better way!

If you are a Perfectionist and Conscientious communicator and are struggling, checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  Perhaps you are struggling to be understood in your workplace, perhaps your working so hard and feeling unappreciated.  if you relate please check out  all of our resources.  For training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Are you a Dominant communicator?

2:13 pm

We all have different communication DNA styles.  They are a combination of task or people focused and then outgoing or reserved.  Powerful and Direct styles are action based, outgoing, task focused, results oriented and for the rest of the population they can be quite challenging.  If this is your style, however, chances are you are not even aware of the effect you can have on others.

This person is motivated by the challenge, they love to solve problems can be highly competitive and extremely strong willed.  If you want something done, give to this person.  However, be aware they may leave bruises.  These guys really have no idea how straight down the line, no fuss, in your face they can be.  To the average person they can come off at times as aggressive, even like a bully. Sadly this is not their intent at all.  They are just after the result and if people get in the way, then that’s where the damage can occur.

This is my strongest style and I have been known to mow people down in the supermarket, I literally don’t see them.  I am focused on the task and the task is to complete the shopping.  It’s not to say “Hi”.  To see who I know, to window shop.  No, its get the items bag them and get out of there!  I have had friends come up to me days later and say they felt really upset when I ignored them, I honestly did not see them. This style gravitates to leadership and management roles where they can make decisions and have control.

Unfortunately unless enlightened they can cause trouble for those in the workplace that have a more people focused, gentle approach.  We will discuss this in more detail in coming editions.  It’s just because they are so fast paced, quick thinking, decisive and you got it – different from you.

So, in summary, the dominant, Powerful and Direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way. They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.  However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

Don’t be too hard on a Powerful and Direct style if there is one on your world, they really have a good heart and don’t realise how pushy and direct they can be at times.  Why?  Because I don’t think anyone has been courageous enough to tell them! Next time we will look at the full of fun, people focused style.

If you are a Powerful and Direct communicator and are struggling checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  Perhaps you’ve been told you are difficult t to work with, or you are just not connecting with others.  Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.