building relationships

Surfing and Communication?

11:02 am

Surfing and communication, what could they possibly have in common? More than you know. I have been learning to surf and it has been a wonderful and humbling experience.

Here are some of the similarities I have noticed since this amazing journey began;

You never know what the conditions will be. Each day is new and different. Don’t assume but start each day grateful, with respect and full of appreciation.

Be prepared – anything is possible. The conditions in the ocean can change from moment to moment. You do not know what lies ahead or what the other person is facing, so be prepared for anything.

Make the most of the moment. After all this is really all we have. Live in the present, appreciate what is happening now, leave the past where it is and don’t step into the future, you have no control there.

Enjoy the process. Just like surfing, relationships can be challenging. They will stretch you out of your comfort zone and teach you things about yourself you may not like. Be patient it is worth it.

When you get dumped; get back up and try again. Now I don’t mean this physically but it works. Next time something bad happens just get up, dust yourself off, learn from it and move forward.

Be patient. Ahhh this one is especially for me, but I will share it with you. Mastery may never happen in surfing but also in relationships. They are ever changing, every growing, so you never “arrive,” just stay humble.

Skills like this take time. The skill of surfing is a lengthy process to develop. I foolishly thought I’d master it after a few goes. Hah! Yeah right…..   Anything worthwhile takes time. Just like developing a healthy relationship or becoming a better communicator, it takes effort, patience and focus.

Be present. If you are thinking back to another time, worried about something coming up you lose the beauty of the moment you are in. As far as surfing goes, the process actually forces you to be present of you will be floating in the ocean quicker than you can say uh oh. In your relationships and communication it is critical to be present. One of your greatest needs as a Human is to be seen and noticed. So ensure you are present when with others, it is the least we can do.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

The signs of great friendships – Pt 2

10:09 am

What are the signs of great friendship?  At Teamology we are always talking about the benefits of great connections or friendships. Great communication leads to great connections. If you had a great connection or friendship do you know what it looks like?

I believe we were designed to be in relationship, and connections are necessary for us to survive and thrive in life. You know what you are looking out for I decided to share some characteristics of great connections. If you have not read Part 1 and would like to, please read it here

In Part 2 we will be covering two more components of great connections. The first being Guidance.

Guidance, involves being connected with mature and wise people who have been down many of life’s roads.

In life you will face many situations that require decisions that don’t have a simple answer. When you are connected to mature people who have grace and who you identify with, you will naturally lean into their guidance.

This is where you are able to share new ideas and advice solutions and brainstorm together thus bringing guidance and wisdom about your difficulties or struggles. Such friendships are always willing to share authentically with you.

For example, I was recently speaking with a parent who said to me I may need to speak with my son about some of the comments he was making on social media.  I was unaware of these comments and was full of gratitude that she alerted me to this issue.  My son had not said anything to me. My friend advised she had noticed he was making some comments that may have meant he was having a hard time.  She had noted it through her son (friends with my son)  who had mentioned his concerns to her.  This allowed me to connect with my son, find out what he was going through and support him.

I was really impressed that this parent had been so willing to share with me. This allowed me to solve a problem that was really affecting my son and many of those in his world.  How many times have we noticed something and said nothing? Or thought, “they must know what is going on.”  I am so glad she reached out.

Finally the last component of great connections is reality. It’s really important to be connected with people that keep you grounded and centred in reality. Whenever you are going through difficult times it is easy to lose your compass and grounded people help to stabilise you.

I was speaking recently with a colleague who shared with me that they had been struggling with a very difficult situation at work. They did not feel supported by their manager and sales that there were unrealistic expectations being placed on them.

Over a cup of coffee we spoke about some strategies she could put in place to let her Manager know how she felt, what she was capable of getting through and what was unrealistic for her to do at this time. We also made sure that she was able to explain her achievements to her Manager and also explain what was stopping her from full productivity.

Armed with this information she felt so much more empowered to do something about his situation rather than feeling helpless and hopeless. I explained to my friend that in most situations her manager was likely unaware of what was going on and how she was feeling. The first thing to do is to ensure that her manager has relevant information and knows how she is feeling.

Many times as our stress builds we forget that people do not know what is going on internally for us. We begin to assume, and as we do this our communication gets more and more off-track.

Find people who will give you reality people who aren’t black-and-white thinkers and who don’t pretend that they have the answer for every problem.  People like this who live in reality can live with conflict, failure and pain as these are normal part of our human existence. Next time you are in the middle of a crisis and can’t think past the next 10 minutes phone a friend who will be real with you give you a fresh and helpful perspective.

Keep an eye out for our next post which will cover the most common excuses we use for not being well connected.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

 

The signs of Great friendships Pt 1

5:55 pm

In this lifetime we all need great friendships, do you know the signs of great friendships?  Life is hard and to get through we really need quality friends we can rely and lean on.  At Teamology we are always talking about great connections. Great communication leads to great connections. These great connections are your great friendships etc.  If you had a great connection a wonderful friend would you know what it looks like?

Because I believe we were designed to be in relationship, and connections are necessary for us to survive and thrive in life. You know what you are looking out for I decided to share some characteristics of great connections.

You need friends who can let you be yourself, who except you warts and all, who you can share your vulnerabilities, who will give you grace when needed and who love you no matter what. Great connections are friends who will journey life with you no matter what the highway of life presents.

They don’t need to be people who have gone through exactly what you have, they just need to be authentic, open and accepting of who you are. When you have these friends you have great connections.

Today let’s look at 2 today and another 2 next post.

Grace. One definition of grace in friendship being “the experience of awe, gratitude and unconditional love when you are in harmony with others.” No one likes to feel condemned or judged.

We all make mistakes, it is part of being Human.  This is why we need people in our life that will give us grace. People who do not judge, who will be for you no matter what, it’s important that you are able to be with friends who accept you, love you unconditionally and support you; no matter how miserably you think you are doing.

You also need friends who have the ability to listen to anything you say and not freak out. As you can imagine this takes a special friend when you have a friend like this you’re able to be more honest and open about what’s really going on for you this openness allows you to share in more successful solutions. It also allows you to openly share your burdens.  A load shared is a load halved.

When you have friendships with people who give Grace you know you don’t have to have it altogether. The idea of perfectionism is gone you don’t have to put on a fake happy face,  you can talk about your fears your failures and your worries. People with Grace will move closer to you and not be put off by you and your problems. In friendship this is a precious and priceless gift.

Identification. By this I mean how much you can relate to someone else.  Sometimes when you’re going through tough times you can feel so different like you are losing your mind or living in a world that no one else understands. But when you find the right people you realise that others lives are just as crazy and I can be really helpful.

Sometimes friends will want to cheer you up and that’s okay. But before you get cheered up it’s important that you know the others identify with your difficulty, confusion or frustration. This knowledge alone will provide connection, encouragement and hope.

That’s why it’s important to get connected with people who live in your world and help you really experience that you aren’t on your own. You need to be around people who let you know that they also make mistakes struggle and make bad choices.

You know you have great connections when you can sit with someone, share your worst and they still love you at the end of the conversation. When you don’t feel judged, and if you’re able to you can share their struggles as well. It’s not about competition, where you voice your struggles and then they one-up you with theirs. It’s about being able to truly share your experiences, be accepted and be cherished for the unique person you are.

There’s something about being able to universally share chaos and craziness that can create a deep empathy and identification among people going through similar struggles. It’s so freeing when you can open up become vulnerable and be really heard by a true friend.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

Mastering your Emotions Pt 2

2:50 pm

Last week we spoke about Mastering your emotions.  This is a critical skill to leading a happier, more fulfilling life.  Your emotions are here to serve you. They act as markers for you to listen to what is going on, to show you that you need to take care of yourself, to warn you of potential danger. They are very useful if you use them as you should. To do this you need to master your emotions and allow yourself to process them as they come up.

Too many people become Masters of ignoring, quashing or vomiting all over the first person who turns up at their worst instead of….Stopping, listening, asking themselves, what am I feeling, where is this coming from? do I need space or time?  Living with your head in the sand has to stop people!

If you did not read the first part ‘Mastering your Emotions Pt 1,’ then please do so by going here. Otherwise you are literally only getting half of the picture.

Here is the third tip on how to gain Mastery of your Emotions.

3) Get Curious About What You Can Learn

Getting curious helps you master your emotion, solve the challenge, and prevent the same problem from occurring in the future.

Here’s some Empowering Questions to find the empowering meaning in any negative emotion or situation:

  1. a) What else could this mean?
  2. b) What can I learn from this?
  3. c) How do I want to feel?
  4. d) What would I have to believe to feel that way right now?
  5. e) What am I willing to do about it right now?

 4) Get Confident

The fastest, simplest, and most powerful way to handle any emotion is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and realise that you’ve successfully handled this emotion before.

If you handled it in the past, you can handle it again today.

Ask yourself, “What did I do back then to deal with this emotion?”

If you do the same things, you will get similar results.

5) Look for evidence of your own past success

Again, you want to remember the ways you’ve handled this emotion in the past, and rehearse handling situations where this Action Signal would come up in the future.

Ask yourself, “What are 3-4 ways I could change my perception when an Action Signal comes up?”

Here’s a few suggestions:

To change your perception, ask yourself, “What else could this mean?” or “What’s great about this?”

Another great question may be, “What can I do now to feel the way I want?”

At first your brain might say, “NOTHING!” But if you push yourself and keep asking, you will come up with an answer.

A powerful thing I did when I used to become anxious about presenting to a group would be to acknowledge the butterflies in my stomach (that felt like ostriches), and say “how exciting is this???”  This would help me take myself from a place of fear to a more anticipatory and excited outlook.  After all it’s not about me, it’s about how I can help others.

6) Take Action

The final step is to get excited of the fact that you can easily handle this emotion and take some action right away to prove that you’ve handled it.

And when is the best time to handle an emotion?  When you first begin to feel it!

You want to hug and handle this monster while it’s little.

Obviously, to know how to master your emotions takes practice.  The more that you use these steps to emotional mastery, the better you will get at mastering your emotions.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

MASTER YOUR EMOTIONS Pt 1

6:48 pm

Did you know that you can master your emotions? Emotions should not run your life. Yes, we all feel them all of the time, but they should not control you.

I have found in my years of consulting, counselling and training that in many cases people are on auto pilot and are reacting out of emotions that have not even been acknowledged.

When you are reactive you are not in control and are giving all of your power away to the situation. This only creates more frustration, confusion and also emotion.

A very wise woman said to be once that the word motion is part of emotion because you need to feel it and then let it move. There has to be an element of motion. When you feel emotions and allow them to move on that no longer control you or your behaviour.

I sat with a lovely man a few days ago after speaking at an event. He looked me in the eyes and asked me “How do I stop feelings things so much?” This lovely man with tears in his eyes was completely lost. He wanted these really strong emotions he was feeling of being helpless, feeling out of control, feeling burdened to just go away.

Here are some simple tips to manage emotions so that at that critical time when someone has pushed your button you are able to remain in control.

I shared with him what I have learned over many years and that is to allow yourself to feel. It is only when you suppress or try and hold the emotions inside or ignore them that they grow.

He looked at me like I was slightly whacky and said “surely that’s not it?”

I asked him to give it a go and see what happened. I then shared with him these tips to help him become the Master of his own Emotions.

1) Identify What You’re Really Feeling

When you’re experiencing this negative emotion or Action Signal, ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?”

Get clarity on the emotion.  “Am I feeling angry, or is it something else?”  The power of acknowledging what you are feeling is so powerful.

 2) Acknowledge Your Emotions

Be thankful they are sending you a message. Cultivate the feeling of appreciation for all your emotions. They are there to serve you.  They are great gauges of how we are doing, do we need to rest? look after ourselves? listen to our intuition? and much more.

Next time we will continue with some more useful ideas on how to manage your emotions.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

The Conscientious Communicator and Stress

11:19 am

Ahh the Perfect and Conscientious Communicator and Stress, I really relate to this one as this style is my second strongest. In our last few installments we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress. We then went into detail about the Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. If you would like to learn about the Playful and Influencer Influencer and stress then go here.

 

Next we examined the Stabilising ‘Patient and Steady’ and stress, if you missed that go here.  Today, we look at the Perfect and Conscientious communicator and stress. The aim of this is to allow you to see just how differently stress affects each style and how they relate to the world around them, particularly when stressed.

The Perfect and Conscientious Communicator needs to be Right. They love organisation, crave perfection, need systems and order, they love neatness and probably seem quite anal, even OCD –ish to some around them. They are often quiet, reserved, great at organising, highly analytical, love details, want to know why, produce high quality work and can appear critical and potentially judgmental of anything below their standards.

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ is all about efficiency, perfection, detail and doing tasks as well and as thoroughly possible. They love detail, checklists, order, stationary, high quality, they are not too talkative and do not wish to stand out.

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ communicators have no idea how they come across. They do not understand that some people can find them critical, boring, judgmental and perfectionistic.

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ Communicator is the polar opposite of the ‘Playful and Influencing.’ Remember, the ‘I’ is all about fun, laughter, disorder, bright colours. They are outspoken, loud and want to be the centre of attention. They do not pay attention to detail, that is boring. Who wants to let accuracy get in the way of a good story?

So, if you are working or living with a ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be rude if they are critical, redo your chores, correct your spelling, correct your stats etc. They honestly cannot help themselves.

I remember as a small child making comments about my Mums writing and spelling. Little did I know she hadn’t finished school. She never told me that until I was older. When I realised later how I must have hurt her I really felt small and mean. She however, never let it show that it bothered her. What a Mum hey!

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ Communicator is also highly pessimistic so may get carried away with what could go wrong with a project or idea. However, it is good to balance the optimism with healthy pessimism and risk so that a good outcome and balance is struck. . If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to understand where they are coming from and remember that any criticism or judgment is not personal.

I am a strong ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ and have battled perfectionism most of my life. It is exhausting battling the constant to do list in my head, the level I expect from myself and then trying to balance this with my sometimes ridiculous expectations of others. My enlightened self has good days with this, however when stressed I quickly revert back to critical Kylie and the wear rages in my head.

Under stress these attributes for the ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ become magnified, they tend to criticise more and get really bogged down in the detail. Sometimes to the point where progress stops and procrastination sets in because a decision that is not perfect is just not good enough.

For example, at work, you have Brian who is a ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ style who wants to be right, and sees the risk and down side to most things. He attends every meeting early with his binder and notebook. He has the last 3 months worth of minutes at this disposal and ahs done everything he said he would.

He can tell you in 3 seconds what you haven’t done and why your idea won’t work with the numbers to back it up. His desk is perfection with everything on it lined up perpendicular.

Sometimes when speaking with Brian, you get frustrated as you get bogged down in the detail. You may avoid some discussions because you feel it will be shot down in flames with all of the reasons why not. None of this is personal at all; he really wants to be helpful with all of this information.

Under stress, he gets even worse, more critical, more detailed; you may even feel hurt and ignored by his remarks and judgments. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behaviour is to accept Brian for who he is and what his intentions are. He is not meaning to be rude he truly wants to help as correctness is next to Godliness. So be respectful, thank him for his efforts and acknowledge all the work he has done. By doing this you are seeing them, you are appreciating all of their effort.

For example Brian says to, “the report you gave me had to be tidied up, the figures were incorrect and I corrected a few grammatical errors, now it looks great?” As you begin to feel hurt by this remember their bottom line is perfection, how hard must it be to live there?

You could consider saying with patience and respect “Brian thanks so much for all of your hard work. I am so glad I have you to ensure that we get the best end result, seriously, with my ideas and your detail what a great team we make?”

You may not feel like saying this, you may be really annoyed that you have been corrected, but I promise this will build a bridge not cause more tension. More tension means more stress, means more criticism and so the cycle goes.  Most people just get frustrated, offended and move on. Doing this builds a stronger connection for you both.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

 

The Stabiliser and Stress

11:42 am

Today we discuss the Stabiliser and Stress.  In our last few installments we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in Stress. We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. If you would like to learn about the Influencer and stress then go here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

The Patient and Steady Communicator or Stabiliser is all about Relationship. They crave harmony, run like the clappers from confrontation and just want us all to get along. They show peace and calm, they are slow to speak, seemingly serene and don’t show much emotion. They will often say things like “Whatever you think” and will rarely make a decision. They are always agreeing with the status quo, are really good listeners and as loyal as they come.

The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator loves to listen, support and to be consistent. They love a steady and predictable environment, need lots of time to adapt to change and don’t like to rock the boat, or have theirs rocked!!

You may think they could be a push over – but you are wrong! These guys have a spine like steel! They may not say “No” to you face, that is too confrontational but you won’t be able to make them do what they don’t want to do.

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of this style for the more direct outspoken Powerful and Direct Communicators. If they don’t agree they will say “No.” They have no fear of the word No, and do not understand anyone who does. Whereas the ‘Patient and Steady’ style finds the ‘Powerful and Direct’ far too confronting, do to avoid a conflict will agree or just even stay quiet. The ‘Powerful and Direct’ assumes agreement and the ‘Patient and Steady’ does what they were going to do anyways.

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Patient and Steady’ communicators have no idea how frustrating their avoidance of confrontation can be. They do not understand that staying quiet and not saying how you feel is really confusing for everyone else, particularly when you are asked. The ‘Patient and Steady’ just wants everyone to get along peacefully.

They have a real fear around saying ‘No’ and upsetting people. So they avoid it at all costs. What they don’t often get is that when they avoid or procrastinate they are still saying ‘No’ just in a more confusing way.

The ‘ Powerful and Direct’ Communicator is the polar opposite of the ‘Patient and Steady.’ Remember, the ‘ Powerful and Direct’ is all about quick decisions, fast talking, fast walking get results. They love competition, adventure, crave results and need respect. They are natural leaders, and can tend to take over. This works well for the ‘S’ style who does not naturally like to make decisions. It’s all beautiful until there is a difference in opinion.

So, if you are working or living with a gentle and kind ‘S’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be avoidant and stubborn. The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator is such a loyal and caring friend. You just need to give them time to feel safe in your friendship so that they can speak up. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to create an environment where they are feeling safe and courageous enough to speak up.

I live with many ‘Patient and Steady’ styles and they challenge me constantly. Because they are hard to read and can be easily offended by my direct style I need to really be conscious of how I come across.

The Patient and Steady and Stress may be unexpected in terms of the relationship.  Under stress the ‘Patient and Steady’ can become highly avoidant, do things more slowly, procrastinate because they do not wish to cause any issues. They can appear cold and uncaring. But they just don’t show emotions; it is a protective mechanism for them. Under stress they can become even quieter, more avoidant, show even less emotion and seem to shut down.

For example, at work, you have Stewart who is an ‘Patient and Steady’ style who wants relationships to work well, he is loyal, consistent and reliable. He is quiet, sometimes you don’t even know he is in a meeting, he is always the one people go to for a debrief because he is so caring and such a good listener.

Sometimes you may feel confused because you ask Stewart how he feels about an issue in the office and he nods to all you say, doesn’t say much back but his behavior implies that he agrees. Yet you find out at a meeting with your manager later that you are the only one with an issue no one else feels the same way you do.

You are infuriated because you feel hung out to dry. You confront Stewart who listens and still says not much, you ask directly, why didn’t you speak up? You get nothing. Now you feel really unsupported.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be kind, supportive, ensure you really manage your emotions and ask them how they feel. Actually ask the question “is everything ok? When we spoke earlier I really felt supported by you and that we were on the same page have I misinterpreted?

Then comes the most critical phase. STOP and allow the to answer. Do not pressure them, do not push them to answer but patiently wait. By doing this you are seeing them, you are allowing them to respond in their time, which is slower than the other styles and you need to be completely patient, supportive and non confrontational.

Now this may feel really frustrating but honestly, the stabiliser will appreciate you slowing down and really hearing them. The ‘Patient and Steady’ style needs to feel related too and heard. They are such patient and good listeners they really appreciate the same back. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this will build a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are struggling with the avoidance and procrastination. It also needs to be acknowledged that not speaking up is a bad habit of the ‘S”. There are times where they need to build on their courage. It is healthy for people to be able to speak up.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

 

The Influencer and Stress

10:15 am

Today we will discuss the Playful and Influencing and Stress.  In a recent installment we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress ( if you missed it click here). We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, with either yourself or another stress head!

The Playful and Influencing Communicator is all about Recognition. They want to be liked and to be the centre of attention. They show warmth, they are fun and overly talkative. They will often say things like “I have an idea!” but will rarely follow through. They are always making jokes and trying to make someone laugh.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator loves to talk, to have fun, to entertain. They are often very charismatic and love colours , anything to stand out!! They laugh loud and from their toes!

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Playful and Influencing’ communicators have no idea how they come across. Or they believe that regardless they are so lovely so how could they be difficult? They do not understand that some people can find them overbearing or even rude if they talk too much. The ‘I’ juts wants to be liked.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is the the polar opposite of the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ Communicator. Remember, the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ is all about efficiency, perfection, detail and doing tasks as well and as thoroughly possible. They love detail, checklists, order, high quality, they are not too talkative and do not wish to stand out.

So, if you are working or living with a ‘Playful and Influencing’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be rude if they talk too much they just want to be heard and liked. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is also highly optimistic so may get carried away with an idea or put their hand up for a project. However, as soon as the excitement wears off so does their energy and progress. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to keep them accountable.

I am married to an ‘Playful and Influencing’ and he is the colour in my world. His energy is amazing, he is always optimistic and full of ideas. Sometimes he gets a bit excited with how much can be squeezed into a 24 hour period, but he is so much fun.  One of  the keys to me being able to love him and fully appreciate who he is has been understanding.  This is also a two way street.  He has also taken the time to understand me.

Under stress the attributes of the Influencer become magnified. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ tends to speak more and listen less, they will talk purely for the sake of it and it is all about them craving the recognition. They can appear very selfish and egotistical. But they just want to be liked and recognised for who they are. Under stress they can become even more flighty and zip about like a fly at a window.

For example, at work, their is Lilly who is an “Playful and Influencing” style who wants recognition, and sees the good and fun side to everything. She is talkative, funny, speaks fast, speaks a lot, seems flippant some times and you sometimes wonder how to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes you may feel like you try to share some of your stories BUT they get lost in theirs. They always have another story, a better, more hilarious story. Eventually you stop trying to share.

Sometimes when speaking with Lilly, you see her glaze over as she becomes ‘bored’ and moves onto a more interesting topic or person. This hurts you, but she seems oblivious. The truth is she is. None of this is personal at all; she really wants you to like her, to think she is funny and entertaining.

Under stress, she gets even worse, more talkative, more self focused, you may even feel hurt and ignored by her behavior. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be ‘kind’ right back. Not rude, don’t shut them out or ignore them but actually ask the question “is everything ok? You seem distracted today, I’ve tried to talk to you but you aren’t hearing me. By doing this you are seeing them, you are recognising them.

For example Lilly says to you fast and fun, “how was your weekend?” As you begin to answer, she jumps right on over the top of you and tells you all about hers.

You could consider saying with patience and care “Lilly, are you ok? you seem distracted today. You asked me about my weekend and I’d love to share but I feel like you aren’t listening to me, is everything all right?”

Now this may be freaking you out right now but honestly, the influencer will appreciate you noticing. The ‘I’ style needs to feel recognised and heard and will really appreciate you noticing. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this builds a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are not enjoying this one-way conversation. Healthy conversations need to be 2-way.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Kylie Warry

 

Your Communication in Strength and in Stress

9:18 am

Did you know that your Communication in Strength and in Stress can be quite different?  If you have read this blog for any length of time you will know by now that we all have different preferences for Communication.

There is the Powerful and Direct Communicator who is all about Results. They need big picture, bullet points and Control. They show anger, make quick decisions are usually very impatient and talk loud and fast. They say things like, “give it to me now,” they will tap their foot with impatience if something is too slow for them and they walk with purpose.

There is the Playful and Influencing Communicator who wants Recognition, they want to be liked and to be the centre of attention. They show warmth, they are fun and overly talkative. They will often say things like “I have an idea!” but will rarely follow through. They are always making jokes and trying to make someone laugh.

The Patient and Steady Communicator just wants harmonious Relationships. They want us all to get along. They need stability, consistency and support.   They are such supportive people themselves, they are always listening to others and trying to quietly make a difference. They are quiet don’t really show emotion and are the quiet achievers. Of you ask them a question they will answer “whatever you think” they don’t like to make decisions.

Finally you have the Perfect and Conscientious Communicators. These Guys just want things to be Right they are structured, love detail, love systems and pride themselves on being highly efficient and organised. These guys are perfectionistic tend to worry and will say things like “let’s get it right” or “that’s not the rule.”

As you may see we are all quite different. We tend to Communicate according to our preferences which is confusing to someone who has different preferences. However, I also wanted to highlight another important fact.

When things are great and you are in cruise mode you tend to communicate out of your strengths. When you are stressed you tend to communicate out of your weaknesses. Unfortunately this only makes the Communication gap wider and adds to the tension everyone is experiencing.

Under tension or stress for example, The Powerful and Direct Communicator gets even more demanding, pushy and obstinate. Yes they want results but this behaviour will not get them and so the tension grows.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator in stress only wants to be liked and tends to talk even more making them seem gabby and self centred. This certainly does not help them to build relationships and get recognition, adding to their stress.

The Patient and Steady Communicator tends to shut down under stress. They show very little emotion and may come across and cold and uncaring which is the exact opposite to what they feel inside. As you may imagine this only adds to the stress and conflict which makes them shut down even further.

Lastly the Patient and Conscientious Communicator becomes highly critical, systematised to the point of rigidity and nit picky when stressed. This means that people tend to avoid them, which does not help them in their quest for things to be perfect.

This is a very small snapshot of how stress can affect each Communication style and why tension in the workplace can be so damaging. Just imagine for a moment if this is your workplace and this is where you spend the majority of your time. On top of this you are expected to produce results to ensure your job continues to exist.

When working with teams under stress the first thing we always do is help team members to learn their strengths. We then help them to understand how to see the strengths in others and finally we teach them about the different Communication preferences so they can adapt their message and be better understood each and every time.  

So, if you relate to this scenario please take a step back and see which Communication style you relate to. If you need more information you can always take a look at “The Enlightened Communicator” as this will help you to understand each of the styles in more detail.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Sydney’s light bulb moment

2:00 pm

Did you see it? Sydney’s light bulb moment?  Check out the picture to the right care of the SMH and Reuters Jan1 2015.   It was truly beautiful.  However, light bulb moments can be beautiful, scary, shocking or saddening. Sometimes all at once.

As we leave 2014 in history and forge ahead into 2015 and what lies beyond it is always important to stop and take stock. Notice what has happened to us and around us (being enlightened, being aware). Learn from the past, whilst being kind to ourselves.

The light bulb in the fireworks display was to represent The International Year of Light – as endorsed by the United Nations. This symbol is to raise awareness of how optical technologies promote sustainable development and provide solutions to worldwide challenges in energy, education, agriculture, communications and health (as stated in the SMH Jan 1, 2015)

At Teamology we “love it” when we notice the light switch on for someone in how they communicate or connect with someone. It is why we exist, to facilitate this process.

It can be as simple as someone realising that when they interrupt a colleague at work their colleague interprets that as disrespect and that is why there is tension. They never intended to be disrespectful but to help.

Similarly, a spouse bombarded by hard questions from their partner freezes up not knowing what to say. Their partner interprets this as them not caring. Again, we have growing tension. When the true meaning is understood by both parties we have real and powerful connection.

We call such realisations “light bulb moments” and we live for them. We get so excited when we see this happen to someone and for someone.

So I ask you to take the time to think of what has 2014 taught you? What were your light bulb moments? Please share if you feel up to doing so.

I had many, particularly after in late 2013 being diagnosed with cancer. That in itself produced many light bulb moments. The experience of being told “you have cancer” is certainly one of those breathtaking moments, where you decide in a split second what is important and what you stand for.  If you would like to read more about my experience you can check out my blog all about my experience with cancer here.

For me and my family 2014 added many more. For example, learning that my old ways of coping and thinking were not going to get me through I had to evolve. To grow.

My old and entrenched habit of pushing through despite what I needed had to stop. My body was weak and tired, besides I deserved more. I had the mental strength to put stress and hurts behind me but it still physically took such a great toll.

Learning that I am not the total sum of what I produce was another biggie for me. I am a Human being, not a Human doing. Whoa….. say what???

I am enough….. whether I do or produce another thing in my entire life< I am worthy whether or not I produce, achieve or do something tomorrow. What a light bulb moment for me.

So I hope you take the time to consider what you learned in 2014, what it can teach you, how it can help you evolve to live a life that is filled with more meaning, love laughter, joy and happiness.

As I learned in the past 12 months, we don’t have forever to get it right, so learn quickly, enjoy immensely and live generously.  If you would like to learn more about becoming a more Enlightened Communicator complete this quick quiz.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.