intentions

Surfing and Communication?

11:02 am

Surfing and communication, what could they possibly have in common? More than you know. I have been learning to surf and it has been a wonderful and humbling experience.

Here are some of the similarities I have noticed since this amazing journey began;

You never know what the conditions will be. Each day is new and different. Don’t assume but start each day grateful, with respect and full of appreciation.

Be prepared – anything is possible. The conditions in the ocean can change from moment to moment. You do not know what lies ahead or what the other person is facing, so be prepared for anything.

Make the most of the moment. After all this is really all we have. Live in the present, appreciate what is happening now, leave the past where it is and don’t step into the future, you have no control there.

Enjoy the process. Just like surfing, relationships can be challenging. They will stretch you out of your comfort zone and teach you things about yourself you may not like. Be patient it is worth it.

When you get dumped; get back up and try again. Now I don’t mean this physically but it works. Next time something bad happens just get up, dust yourself off, learn from it and move forward.

Be patient. Ahhh this one is especially for me, but I will share it with you. Mastery may never happen in surfing but also in relationships. They are ever changing, every growing, so you never “arrive,” just stay humble.

Skills like this take time. The skill of surfing is a lengthy process to develop. I foolishly thought I’d master it after a few goes. Hah! Yeah right…..   Anything worthwhile takes time. Just like developing a healthy relationship or becoming a better communicator, it takes effort, patience and focus.

Be present. If you are thinking back to another time, worried about something coming up you lose the beauty of the moment you are in. As far as surfing goes, the process actually forces you to be present of you will be floating in the ocean quicker than you can say uh oh. In your relationships and communication it is critical to be present. One of your greatest needs as a Human is to be seen and noticed. So ensure you are present when with others, it is the least we can do.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

Mastering your Emotions Pt 2

2:50 pm

Last week we spoke about Mastering your emotions.  This is a critical skill to leading a happier, more fulfilling life.  Your emotions are here to serve you. They act as markers for you to listen to what is going on, to show you that you need to take care of yourself, to warn you of potential danger. They are very useful if you use them as you should. To do this you need to master your emotions and allow yourself to process them as they come up.

Too many people become Masters of ignoring, quashing or vomiting all over the first person who turns up at their worst instead of….Stopping, listening, asking themselves, what am I feeling, where is this coming from? do I need space or time?  Living with your head in the sand has to stop people!

If you did not read the first part ‘Mastering your Emotions Pt 1,’ then please do so by going here. Otherwise you are literally only getting half of the picture.

Here is the third tip on how to gain Mastery of your Emotions.

3) Get Curious About What You Can Learn

Getting curious helps you master your emotion, solve the challenge, and prevent the same problem from occurring in the future.

Here’s some Empowering Questions to find the empowering meaning in any negative emotion or situation:

  1. a) What else could this mean?
  2. b) What can I learn from this?
  3. c) How do I want to feel?
  4. d) What would I have to believe to feel that way right now?
  5. e) What am I willing to do about it right now?

 4) Get Confident

The fastest, simplest, and most powerful way to handle any emotion is to remember a time when you felt a similar emotion and realise that you’ve successfully handled this emotion before.

If you handled it in the past, you can handle it again today.

Ask yourself, “What did I do back then to deal with this emotion?”

If you do the same things, you will get similar results.

5) Look for evidence of your own past success

Again, you want to remember the ways you’ve handled this emotion in the past, and rehearse handling situations where this Action Signal would come up in the future.

Ask yourself, “What are 3-4 ways I could change my perception when an Action Signal comes up?”

Here’s a few suggestions:

To change your perception, ask yourself, “What else could this mean?” or “What’s great about this?”

Another great question may be, “What can I do now to feel the way I want?”

At first your brain might say, “NOTHING!” But if you push yourself and keep asking, you will come up with an answer.

A powerful thing I did when I used to become anxious about presenting to a group would be to acknowledge the butterflies in my stomach (that felt like ostriches), and say “how exciting is this???”  This would help me take myself from a place of fear to a more anticipatory and excited outlook.  After all it’s not about me, it’s about how I can help others.

6) Take Action

The final step is to get excited of the fact that you can easily handle this emotion and take some action right away to prove that you’ve handled it.

And when is the best time to handle an emotion?  When you first begin to feel it!

You want to hug and handle this monster while it’s little.

Obviously, to know how to master your emotions takes practice.  The more that you use these steps to emotional mastery, the better you will get at mastering your emotions.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

The Conscientious Communicator and Stress

11:19 am

Ahh the Perfect and Conscientious Communicator and Stress, I really relate to this one as this style is my second strongest. In our last few installments we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress. We then went into detail about the Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. If you would like to learn about the Playful and Influencer Influencer and stress then go here.

 

Next we examined the Stabilising ‘Patient and Steady’ and stress, if you missed that go here.  Today, we look at the Perfect and Conscientious communicator and stress. The aim of this is to allow you to see just how differently stress affects each style and how they relate to the world around them, particularly when stressed.

The Perfect and Conscientious Communicator needs to be Right. They love organisation, crave perfection, need systems and order, they love neatness and probably seem quite anal, even OCD –ish to some around them. They are often quiet, reserved, great at organising, highly analytical, love details, want to know why, produce high quality work and can appear critical and potentially judgmental of anything below their standards.

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ is all about efficiency, perfection, detail and doing tasks as well and as thoroughly possible. They love detail, checklists, order, stationary, high quality, they are not too talkative and do not wish to stand out.

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ communicators have no idea how they come across. They do not understand that some people can find them critical, boring, judgmental and perfectionistic.

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ Communicator is the polar opposite of the ‘Playful and Influencing.’ Remember, the ‘I’ is all about fun, laughter, disorder, bright colours. They are outspoken, loud and want to be the centre of attention. They do not pay attention to detail, that is boring. Who wants to let accuracy get in the way of a good story?

So, if you are working or living with a ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be rude if they are critical, redo your chores, correct your spelling, correct your stats etc. They honestly cannot help themselves.

I remember as a small child making comments about my Mums writing and spelling. Little did I know she hadn’t finished school. She never told me that until I was older. When I realised later how I must have hurt her I really felt small and mean. She however, never let it show that it bothered her. What a Mum hey!

The ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ Communicator is also highly pessimistic so may get carried away with what could go wrong with a project or idea. However, it is good to balance the optimism with healthy pessimism and risk so that a good outcome and balance is struck. . If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to understand where they are coming from and remember that any criticism or judgment is not personal.

I am a strong ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ and have battled perfectionism most of my life. It is exhausting battling the constant to do list in my head, the level I expect from myself and then trying to balance this with my sometimes ridiculous expectations of others. My enlightened self has good days with this, however when stressed I quickly revert back to critical Kylie and the wear rages in my head.

Under stress these attributes for the ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ become magnified, they tend to criticise more and get really bogged down in the detail. Sometimes to the point where progress stops and procrastination sets in because a decision that is not perfect is just not good enough.

For example, at work, you have Brian who is a ‘Perfect and Conscientious Communicator’ style who wants to be right, and sees the risk and down side to most things. He attends every meeting early with his binder and notebook. He has the last 3 months worth of minutes at this disposal and ahs done everything he said he would.

He can tell you in 3 seconds what you haven’t done and why your idea won’t work with the numbers to back it up. His desk is perfection with everything on it lined up perpendicular.

Sometimes when speaking with Brian, you get frustrated as you get bogged down in the detail. You may avoid some discussions because you feel it will be shot down in flames with all of the reasons why not. None of this is personal at all; he really wants to be helpful with all of this information.

Under stress, he gets even worse, more critical, more detailed; you may even feel hurt and ignored by his remarks and judgments. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behaviour is to accept Brian for who he is and what his intentions are. He is not meaning to be rude he truly wants to help as correctness is next to Godliness. So be respectful, thank him for his efforts and acknowledge all the work he has done. By doing this you are seeing them, you are appreciating all of their effort.

For example Brian says to, “the report you gave me had to be tidied up, the figures were incorrect and I corrected a few grammatical errors, now it looks great?” As you begin to feel hurt by this remember their bottom line is perfection, how hard must it be to live there?

You could consider saying with patience and respect “Brian thanks so much for all of your hard work. I am so glad I have you to ensure that we get the best end result, seriously, with my ideas and your detail what a great team we make?”

You may not feel like saying this, you may be really annoyed that you have been corrected, but I promise this will build a bridge not cause more tension. More tension means more stress, means more criticism and so the cycle goes.  Most people just get frustrated, offended and move on. Doing this builds a stronger connection for you both.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

 

The Influencer and Stress

10:15 am

Today we will discuss the Playful and Influencing and Stress.  In a recent installment we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress ( if you missed it click here). We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, with either yourself or another stress head!

The Playful and Influencing Communicator is all about Recognition. They want to be liked and to be the centre of attention. They show warmth, they are fun and overly talkative. They will often say things like “I have an idea!” but will rarely follow through. They are always making jokes and trying to make someone laugh.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator loves to talk, to have fun, to entertain. They are often very charismatic and love colours , anything to stand out!! They laugh loud and from their toes!

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Playful and Influencing’ communicators have no idea how they come across. Or they believe that regardless they are so lovely so how could they be difficult? They do not understand that some people can find them overbearing or even rude if they talk too much. The ‘I’ juts wants to be liked.

The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is the the polar opposite of the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ Communicator. Remember, the ‘Perfect and Conscientious’ is all about efficiency, perfection, detail and doing tasks as well and as thoroughly possible. They love detail, checklists, order, high quality, they are not too talkative and do not wish to stand out.

So, if you are working or living with a ‘Playful and Influencing’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be rude if they talk too much they just want to be heard and liked. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ Communicator is also highly optimistic so may get carried away with an idea or put their hand up for a project. However, as soon as the excitement wears off so does their energy and progress. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to keep them accountable.

I am married to an ‘Playful and Influencing’ and he is the colour in my world. His energy is amazing, he is always optimistic and full of ideas. Sometimes he gets a bit excited with how much can be squeezed into a 24 hour period, but he is so much fun.  One of  the keys to me being able to love him and fully appreciate who he is has been understanding.  This is also a two way street.  He has also taken the time to understand me.

Under stress the attributes of the Influencer become magnified. The ‘Playful and Influencing’ tends to speak more and listen less, they will talk purely for the sake of it and it is all about them craving the recognition. They can appear very selfish and egotistical. But they just want to be liked and recognised for who they are. Under stress they can become even more flighty and zip about like a fly at a window.

For example, at work, their is Lilly who is an “Playful and Influencing” style who wants recognition, and sees the good and fun side to everything. She is talkative, funny, speaks fast, speaks a lot, seems flippant some times and you sometimes wonder how to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes you may feel like you try to share some of your stories BUT they get lost in theirs. They always have another story, a better, more hilarious story. Eventually you stop trying to share.

Sometimes when speaking with Lilly, you see her glaze over as she becomes ‘bored’ and moves onto a more interesting topic or person. This hurts you, but she seems oblivious. The truth is she is. None of this is personal at all; she really wants you to like her, to think she is funny and entertaining.

Under stress, she gets even worse, more talkative, more self focused, you may even feel hurt and ignored by her behavior. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be ‘kind’ right back. Not rude, don’t shut them out or ignore them but actually ask the question “is everything ok? You seem distracted today, I’ve tried to talk to you but you aren’t hearing me. By doing this you are seeing them, you are recognising them.

For example Lilly says to you fast and fun, “how was your weekend?” As you begin to answer, she jumps right on over the top of you and tells you all about hers.

You could consider saying with patience and care “Lilly, are you ok? you seem distracted today. You asked me about my weekend and I’d love to share but I feel like you aren’t listening to me, is everything all right?”

Now this may be freaking you out right now but honestly, the influencer will appreciate you noticing. The ‘I’ style needs to feel recognised and heard and will really appreciate you noticing. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this builds a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are not enjoying this one-way conversation. Healthy conversations need to be 2-way.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Kylie Warry

 

Are you a perfectionist?

11:52 am

Are you a perfectionist, or do you know one? In terms of the Communication Styles, the Strong Perfect and Conscientious style is the one who is most likely to struggle with perfectionism. If you live with, work with or love a Strong Perfect and Conscientious,  you may be relating already.

Let me refresh your memory, the strong Perfect and Conscientious Communicator.  This amazing style is all about procedures, processes and perfection.  I prefer the word Analytical over Compliance as I have had many people in workshops become disillusioned by the word Compliance.

By Compliance we mean working to a system or order, not compliant.  Particularly to your own system or order however this style will work to someone else’s system or process if they agree with it, or if they see it as correct.

This communication style is all about getting things right.  If you know someone with this style they are more reserved and task focused.  They are great at details, probably love stationary (known from personal experience) and are highly organized in many ways.

These guys are fearful of their work being criticised, how could they not be when perfection is their benchmark.  However, beware of criticising their work as they put a lot of effort into it being right.  It hurts them intensely if they are corrected, especially if it is not done gently.

If you are working with someone for this style they will love details, if you challenge their facts you will need to provide statistical backup because they do know their stuff.  I know one Analytical person who reads the Australian Taxation website for fun (I have a headache just thinking about that).  They prefer a quiet and consistent work environment where any changes are explained, where they can be some type of technical expert.

So perfectionism is a big deal to these guys. REALLY. I know this because this is my second strongest trait and in testing I scored 87%.  This has long been held as a negative trait however, it can depend on your definition. In the negative it can stifle progress because you are expecting something unrealistic.  It can cause paralysis and anxiety beyond description.  It can mess with expectations both in there workplace and at home.

So how can we view this positively?  The Greek definition is “a continual journey toward maturity.”   Now this is not how I have used it, or how I would described myself when I am perplexed because something won’t look or fit the way I want it too.   However, I would be a better human if this were my definition.  So to any one else out there who is brave enough to say that you have struggled with perfectionism either in yourself or expecting it form other lets change how we see it.  We can all benefit from this definition of a continual journey toward maturity – I say bring it on!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Starve or Thrive in Relationships? It’s up to you

2:56 pm

Communication is often so much harder than it needs to be.  Whether or not you are starving or thriving in your key relationships is up to you.  There are so many variables operating against you namely;

  • Different backgrounds
  • Different gender
  • Different communication preferences,
  • History or past experience
  • and what I call buttons (or sensitive places)

When you think of all of these variables all mushed up into a human is it any wonder we all can connect at all? Firstly backgrounds, this can be as simple as do you come from a talking, loud and proud family or from a calmer more introspective bunch? Do you talk about issues or bury them?

These things alone can break a relationship sooner than anything. You meet the love of your life and then they meet your family. That can sometimes be enough. And that’s while your family on good behaviour!

Gender, I sometimes think God sits back with a smile on His face and giggles at how we all get so messed up at the gender differences. As a proud, strong young woman I thought feminism was for me. I have now changed my stance based on my experience to believe that yes there should be equal opportunity but we are completely different. Neither is better or worse we are fundamentally different, and Thank God for that.

I do not need to apologise for my femininity and no man needs to apologise for his masculinity. We are different and together we can accomplish far more than when we are at each other competing.

Different Communication Preferences, this alone is enough to cause confusion for the rest of our natural lives, unless we all decide to be self-reflective, learn about our needs and learn about the needs of others. My favourite book “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer changed my life and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in this area of communication. My book “The Enlightened Communicator,”   also touches on these differences and how my experience and journey have shaped my experiences.

History or past experience can be a complete minefield, especially if you are not open to learning about how your past effects your today and your tomorrow. It only affects you when you don’t know how it affects you. I know confusing, but for example, if a person has betrayed you in your past, you then meet someone with similar traits in the present. You may unknowingly assume some things about them that are not valid or true at all. Don’t let the past control you, learn from it and move on.

Buttons are one of my favourite things. We all have them! Most people don’t know what they are and wonder why they are at the mercy of them as you go throughout their day with them being pushed by whoever, whenever. Let’s get control back people. Know your sensitive points and then take responsibility for them.

If some poor person unwittingly pushes a button for you, guess what? It’s your responsibility to get over it not theirs. Do some reflection, ask yourself, what happened, what did you feel, where did that come from. Then allow yourself to move forward, learning from the experience.

Be patient and kind to yourself sometimes it takes a while to work out where the root cause came from. Journaling can be a wonderful gift in this process. This is true maturity when you have had a button pushed and you work through this process taking responsibility to do this. How incredibly freeing!

Take the time and the commitment to master these variable and differences and you are well on the way to Thriving in all aspects of your relationships.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

What are The Top 5 Communication Mistakes? # 1

1:40 pm

What are the top 5 communication mistakes made every day?  Do you make any of these? They are so common, but many are not game to admit it.

When you work on a daily basis with teams and businesses that are struggling with communication, you see a lot!   It is extremely rewarding to see things turn around.  One of my favourite things is when you observe people really connecting, once they know how.

Today, lets begin a conversation about the most common mistakes we make everyday.  Let’s discuss the first of 5 most common mistakes that we see people make in communication every day.  Read on, you may identify with some of this information.

1: Speaking without or before thinking

When you speak before you think it can be disastrous!  I don’t know about you, but much of what goes on in my head is not for public viewing. I can be hard, critical, judgmental, stubborn, and that’s all before breakfast!  If you can slow down and think before you speak, you have time to be clear on what your intention is.

Good question, what is your intention?

Most of the time we don’t even take the time to work this out. Is it to teach, to share, to connect or to impose?   When you aren’t clear of your intention, how can your listener be clear?   As a young Manager I had a team member who was beginning to make a habit of being late to team meetings.  My communication style automatically interprets this as disrespect to me and to the team – that our “important” meetings were not a priority for her.  One morning she arrived late and disorganised again.  I knew I needed to address it.  Fortunately, I had the intuition to ask her what was going on before I “tore strips off her for seemingly disrespecting me and the team”.

I asked what was going on and she quickly and unexpectedly burst into tears as she divulged that her marriage was breaking apart and she was not coping at all.  WOW!  Not on my radar at all! How would I have felt if I had given a serve only to find out my ASSUMPTION of the INTENTION (ie disrespect and lack of priority) was nowhere near the reality?  Her life was in tatters and she was only just hanging on, she certainly did not need me adding to the pressure.

Thankfully I and asked a question “How are you doing?”  Instead of “Why are you always late to meetings!  You are being so disrespectful!”

Can you imagine how this conversation may have turned out had I “stated” rather than “asked.”  This is a really key tip! Ask more questions so you know what issue you’re dealing with.  Drop the assumptions, get clear on your intent and think before you speak.

Next time we will look at the second of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Ever Avoided a Difficult Conversation?

7:17 pm

Have you ever avoided a difficult conversation, put something off, hoped in vain things would improve and they haven’t?  Perhaps then you may have found yourself stuck thinking how do I bring it up now, its been so long!

I was spending some time recently with a lovely person who was speaking about a relationship they were in. They were explaining that they felt taken for granted, that the partner no longer helped out as they had in the past and in fact had laid even more expectation onto them.

I listened patiently for a long while hearing many examples of how this person had been slowly and surely taken for granted and swallowed up by the pressure they now felt to complete all of these “responsibilities.

The weight that they fell upon their shoulders was tangible. Eventually I asked gently, “Have you spoken to them, do they know how you feel?” The response was immediate, “Oh No I couldn’t possibly I am not a fighter.”

 I probed again, “Why do you say fight? I asked if you had told them how you feel.”

They were now perplexed, they were not able to see this conversation going any other way than a huge fight. Now why is this?

One reason is resentment. This conversation should have ideally occurred many many months earlier when things started to change for the worse. But it did not. The person perhaps felt that things would improve, or that they just did not want to rock the boat, after all it was only a small change. In short they avoided it.

As time progressed and things in the relationship declined as they tend to do, the pressure began to increase and along with it the growing resentment. As resentment grows so do very powerful and negative emotions. We begin to tell ourselves all sorts of stories such as “They don’t care about me”, “I mean nothing to them”, etc etc

These stories then start to become your truth and if you are not careful they strongly affect how you relate to the other person. When in truth the other party may have no idea how you really feel and how much the change has negatively affected you.

As resentment and avoidance grows you begin to catastrophise and imagine this huge fight because it would have to be a huge fight because you feel so angry. In fact you are like a volcano ready to erupt.

In truth, what has happened is that your partner has relaxed a little too much. We are all guilty of this at times and need a little correction from our loved ones. Resentment, worry and anxiety are not the only negatives that come from avoidance. All this from a conversation you put off to the point that it has now become a difficult conversation, only because emotionally you have so much to say.

My encouragement, speak sooner, with love and respect. Ask more than assume such as “ You used to help me with dinner but you’ve stopped why is that? Are you Ok?” This is much more effective than turning into a ranting lunatic 12 months down the track who is screaming toxically at their partner spewing up every thing wrong they have ever done.

If you struggle with speaking up, with raising issues, with putting in boundaries for yourself you are not alone!   You can learn some really simple and powerful strategies here at our upcoming Master Class in November 2014  (“The Art of Difficult Conversations).  This Masterclass will empower you to be able to deal more effectively with such situations both at work and personally.

Here is the link https://teamology.com.au/courses/madc/ if you are keen to make this positive change in your life. Don’t put it off any longer; you deserve the freedom that speaking up for yourself brings.

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

What are the two most powerful words?

2:30 pm

Did you know that your words are powerful?  It is a well know fact that emotional abuse can cause much more damage than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is driven by words.  Words can build up or break down.

So what are arguably, the two most powerful words? I was watching a movie recently about the Irish Republican Army, the “IRA”.  The story explained that when the young men fighting with the IRA were caught and imprisoned they refused to wear the prison uniform.  Consequently, they were naked in blankets whilst in prison.  This quiet prison rebellion went on for years.

The IRA prisoners campaigned for the right to wear civilian clothes as they saw themselves as prisoners of war.  As such would not wear the clothes of a prisoner.  They refused to acknowledge the British rule in their motherland.

They tried in vain to negotiate with the government and eventually whey went on hunger strike to make this point.  After at least 10 young men had died from this hunger strike (aged sadly from 19 to 26 years of age) the British government agreed to grant them the privilege of wearing civilian clothes.  The IRA prisoners remain committed to their decision and would not agree to the terms.  They believed it was a right not a privilege.  Because of one word, and the power behind it more young men died.

Words are powerful. Arguably two of the most powerful words in our language are “Thank you“ and “Sorry“.  These words can build bridges, bring forgiveness and help someone feel recognised and valued.

Sometimes we say things out of hurt or anger and they can leave a scar for life.  That’s where nursery rhyme line  “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is not quite accurate.  I have heard over and over how a word said in anger can linger in a person’s soul for years.  Such words can honestly stop you from believing in yourself and consequently from reaching your potential.

The sad thing is, is that the person who said the hurtful words has probably forgotten and has no idea just how much they have hurt you.  It is important to acknowledge this if you are hanging onto a lie that has been told to you.  If you have been told that you won’t amount to anything, or that you are not worth it. It is a lie.  You have inside of you such enormous potential; you have a unique gift that no one else has.

No one else sees the world exactly they way you do, no one else thinks the way you do.  It is a gift for you to use and make a difference on the earth.  So if hurtful words and lies are holding you back I encourage you to stop believing them and do whatever it is that you have been dreaming about.  You can do it.  I know that you can!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Knowing your intentions

9:15 pm

 

Each new day is a new start – thank goodness. Sadly many people only consider this at the beginning of the year, that leaves you missing out on 364 new beginning opportunities each year!!!!  So let’s take a brief moment to talk about your intentions and priorities in terms of relationships for you.

What do you agree that we have control over?  All the strong Powerful and Direct Communicator say “everything?!”  You may agree, the only thing we actually have control over is ourselves and our reactions.  This is particularly important when it comes to communication and relationships.  We all have the option of choosing our response.  Every day we are faced with people we find easy to be around and others that are “not so easy”.  People that we can find challenging are usually either the same as us (for those strong dominant personalities) or the opposite of us.

The key to better communication is to raise your own awareness to what you find easy and not so easy.  It’s then realising that you have the choice to respond with understanding and patience.  Unfortunately, when someone pushes your buttons they usually have no idea.  We get so caught up emotionally on how much they are ruining our day and they have no idea!

If a fast-talking, harsh, blunt co-worker just drives you nuts, it is more than likely their communication style and they are oblivious to your frustration.  In fact they probably think they are being gentle.  Or if it is the slow moving, slow talking, gentle colleague that never says “No” and does not stand up for themselves, who you find difficult.  Again it is probably their style, they would never dream of annoying anyone!

If you pause and take a moment to separate the person from how you are feeling and not take these things personally (because they aren’t), you are well on the way to better communication.  Communication is key to success across all areas of your life.  Many of the biggest problems in business come down to poor communication.  Additionally, the stress associated with poor communication and relational tension can contribute to absenteeism and high staff turnover.

So it is in all of our interest to separate our emotional responses when there is poor communication.  Try these tips to assist you,

  • Look for the strengths in everyone, we all have them
  • Don’t take it personally
  • Realise that everyone has a different communication style

To help you to deal with these tricky situations, Teamology provides workshops to assist you to learn techniques to deal with “difficult people and difficult conversations.”   These workshops are available in house, as public workshops and also as an online option later in 2014, more details to come.

So if you can relate to struggling with a difficult person or people, to not being sure how to be assertive and say what you need to say, consider learning some new skills.

If you would like to know how to stand up for your self and get a good outcome then please check out our resources, particularly the November 2014 workshop, “how to handle difficult conversations and get a good result.” You are welcome to check out the training options and resources or email us with any questions. We are here to help.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.