difficult people

Are you struggling with a Perfectionist?

4:23 pm

Are you a perfectionist, or do you know one? In terms of the Communication Styles, the ‘Perfectionist’ style is the one who is most likely to struggle with this trait. If you live with, work with or love a perfectionist, you may be relating already.  This is a trait that I have struggled with for many years so I feel very comfortable sharing here.

 

Let me refresh your memory, the Perfectionist Communicator is all about procedures, processes and perfection.  They love detail and also want to be right.  These Communicators will correct grammar, spelling mistakes or your facts in conversation.

 

This style loves compliance. By compliance we mean working to a system or order, not compliant.  Particularly to your own system or order however this style will work to someone else’s system or process if they agree with it, or if they see it as correct.

 

This communication style is all about getting things right, EXACTLY Right.  If you know someone with this style they are more reserved and task focused.  They are great at details, probably love stationary (known from personal experience) and are highly organised in many ways.

 

What can make a Perfectionist Communicator Difficult?  Their need for perfection is a real struggle, why?  Because outside of very isolated incidences perfection just does not exist, especially if you are Human…..  So you will never reach the expectations of perfection.  How relaxing.  This Communicator can also get caught up in detail which can lead to procrastination as things cannot be finished until it is perfect.  Which it will never be…..

 

These guys are fearful of their work being criticised, how could they not be when perfection is their benchmark?  However, beware of criticising their work as they put a lot of effort into it being right.  It hurts them intensely if they are corrected, especially if it is not done gently.

 

If you are working with someone with this style they will love details, if you challenge their facts you will need to provide statistical backup because they do know their stuff.  I know one Perfectionist Communicator who reads the Australian Taxation website for fun (I have a headache just thinking about that).  They prefer a quiet and consistent work environment where any changes are explained, where they can be some type of technical or information expert.

 

So perfectionism is a big deal to these guys. REALLY. I know this because this is my second strongest trait and in testing I scored 87%.  This has long been held as a negative trait however; it can depend on your definition. In the negative it can stifle progress because you are expecting something unrealistic.  It can cause paralysis and anxiety beyond description.  It can mess with expectations both in there workplace and at home.

 

So how can we view this positively?  

 

The Greek definition is “a continual journey toward maturity.”   Now this is not how I have used it, or how I would described myself when I am perplexed because something won’t look or fit the way I want it too.   However, I would be a better human if this were my definition.

 

So to any one else out there who is brave enough to say that you have struggled with perfectionism either in yourself or expecting it form other lets change how we see it.  We can all benefit from this definition of a continual journey toward maturity – I say bring it on!

 

So if you are struggling for outcomes with one of these communicators here are some tips;

 

To help them deal with perfection the key is gentle support, they do not respond to harsh, blunt or pushy communication.  Hey work really well with big picture thinkers so that their detailed mind can compensate well with the big vision.  Support to keep their expectations realistic is always helpful as well as encouragement and praise for their strengths as they may get stuck on what is not working.

 

The most important thing for these guys is to be supported, for their expertise to be noted and acknowledged to have a diplomatic and reserved response.  They are not touchy feely like the Playful and Patient Communicator.  So keep it more business like.

 

Do not keep avoiding an issue if you have one; that is not the answer.  The first step may be to understand yourself a little more and to do that you can uncover your Communication strengths, style and struggles with our online course.  It costs as much a takeaway pizza, so it is well worth it!  You can find out more  here.

 

Until next time, Connect, Care and be a Conscious Communicator.

Let’s change our world for the better, one conversation at a time.

Are you struggling with a procrastinator?

4:18 pm

Patient communicators … can struggle with procrastination.

In strength, this steady gentle style is one that is warm, welcoming, all about relationship and somewhat more reserved than the playful or powerful styles.  However, they can really struggle with procrastination, they like to change at their pace, if at all.

What makes a Patient Communicator Difficult?  Well it is their avoidance of change or conflict.  Particularly if you need to get something done and they put up their walls….. this can be very frustrating. However becoming frustrated or aggressive will not result in an outcome, they will just burrow deeper.  One of the most common misconceptions about the Patient Communicator is that they are a push over.  Far from it, they have a backbone of steel!  They may agree with words but they will not follow through so pushing is not the answer.

These guys are all about consistency, predictability and people.  There is no doubt you would have someone with this style in your life, as this is the most common communication style (around 35% of the population).

Patient communicators are described as the glue that holds us all together.  While the Powerful style is trying to control things and make decisions the Playful style is all about fun, the Perfectionist is all about things being right, the Patient style is consistent, caring and loyal.

The Patient style craves predictability, they love processes if someone else sets them up, they will follow the right leader to the very end, and they are committed to their cause.  They will work quietly without the bells and whistles to get the job done.

Don’t expect noise and fan fare.  They are reliable and work to a slower and steadier pace.  They will not cause an uproar and are not likely to speak out against things.  These guys will avoid conflict like the plague, are slower to speak up and want everyone to get along.

I am surrounded by this gentle style, as it is the complete opposite to my powerful and perfectionistic traits.  This style is calm, serene, and peaceful.  They don’t get easily flustered and have the best poker face around (they rarely show their emotions on the outside).

When this style is understood they are a loyal team member; they promote calm and stability and will work tirelessly for a cause.  When misunderstood they can seem quiet, uninvolved, avoidant even passive aggressive.

Change is a really big issue for this communicator, they crave consistency even if it is destructive.  They are quite like the ostrich putting their head in the sand thinking the issue will just go away.  As you may imagine, facing an issue and trying to work through with this style, can be extremely difficult.  The harder you push the more they shut down.

 

However, as it is with all of the styles each of us brings our own unique strengths to the table.  The patient and stable style brings about much needed calm and consistency, without them it would feel like utter madness.

The key, if you relate to this, is to realise that procrastination can be a real problem.  It stems from your dislike of change.  If you struggle with the idea of change a good place to start is firstly to know this, then to look at change in a few different ways, including the positive side of it.

So if you are struggling for outcomes with one of these communicators here are some tips;

To help them deal with change the key is gentle support, they do not respond to harsh, blunt or pushy communication.  They want to be spoken to in a helpful supportive manner.  They also need time to process ideas.  They are not as quick to do things as the Powerful or Playful Communicators.  So you may say something like “I have noticed the blah project is falling behind, can we sit down together and go through some ways we can work together to get it back on track?  I have time on Wednesday or Friday can you let me know when will work for you?”  The give them time to respond.  All of this must be done with open supportive and calm body language and a warm tone.

The most important thing for these guys is to be supported, to have a friendly response and for you to keep your tone warm and your face smiling.  Don’t be mean or speak down to them, this will force them to shut down and will not aid a better connection.

Do not keep avoiding a problem if you have one; that is not the answer.  The first step may be to understand yourself a little more and to do that you can uncover your Communication strengths, style and struggles with our online course.  It costs as much a takeaway pizza, so it is well worth it!  You can find out more here.

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Conscious Communicator.

Let’s change our world for the better one conversation at a time

What makes someone difficult?

3:59 pm

One of the most popular questions I get is how do you deal with a Difficult person?  Each of you almost everyday will come across someone you find difficult to some degree.

Perhaps that are bossy, or talkative, maybe they don’t say anything and you need them to speak up or perhaps they are pedantic and get caught up in the details.  Either way they are not doing what you need them to do and its PAINFUL…….

Managing how we respond in these moments is critical to the outcomes you will get.  As you may imagine, getting frustrated, short fused, impatient with someone that you are finding difficult is only going to add to the problem you face.

It is critical for us to approach this age-old problem from a different angle.  I firmly believe that coming from a place of understanding is a much more helpful way to approach someone you are finding difficult.

 

We can start this by stopping and recognizing what is it that I am actually struggling with here?  Is it their behavior, their attitude, are they reminding me of something I don’t like?  Am I stressed out because my wants and needs are not being met?  Is it all of the above?

Many of us even though we are adults can get stuck in this place of selfishness, “I need this right now and I am not getting what I want so I am going to get cranky”.  We have all been there.  Acknowledging this is part of helping ourselves learn a better way.

I truly believe that most people are not difficult……. Wait…. What???? Seriously?  Yup, I actually believe that most people are not DIFFICULT, they are DIFFERENT.

 

Not different as in weird, simply different to you.

 

For example, on most days I am in a hurry, not because I am late, but because I am the type of person that just likes to get things done, I am an “achiever.”  I do not know why it is just how I am made.  It is a trait of the Powerful Communicator, “ get it done, get it done fast, and then do the next thing.

So as you can imagine if I am going about my day and I need to interact with someone who does not have the same priority on time and achievement as me, there can be some tension.  Before I was aware of this and how it affected me, I would just see someone in my proximity moving slowly and my eye would begin to twitch.  It frustrated me, because I did not want it to affect my progress.

Now that I am much more attuned to this need in me I can separate myself from it most days and even have a chuckle at how crazy my need for speed is…….

 

This need for speed has been a gift at times, I am extremely efficient and achieve loads, BUT……….. I have paid a very high price for this in terms of my health.  So much so that my poor body has been screaming at me for years to slow down and I ignored it.  So what ended up happening????  I developed chronic illness, including chronic fatigue……. My body was forcing me to S…L…O…W  D…O…W…N

I remember years ago on my first trip to FIJI.  Man I needed it, talk about verge of burn out……  Yes us achievers are not good at resting and slowing down and unfortunately have to experience things like burn out or illness before we get the message to fill the tank and look after ourselves.

It took me at least 4 days to begin to slow down in this tropical paradise.  Every time I sat by the pool I would start mentally going through a to do list, should I plan or read that self development book or set my intentions for the next 12 months…………. Far out brussel sprout!!

 

I would find myself becoming tense as I watched the locals slowly meander around the resort and a snails pace (otherwise known affectionately as FIJI time) and my blood pressure would rise.  I felt like screaming move faster!  How completely ridiculous.  In a moment of clarity I relapsed what I was doing to myself and just how crazy it was, why was I rushing?  What deadline was in my mind?  Why is faster better???  You know what it isn’t………..  Sometimes slower is the way to go.

So realising what your needs are, what is driving you and then seeing how whenever a person comes into conflict with this we see them as difficult.  This is really the beginning of a healthier shift in dealing with people in a more helpful way.

You will slam into people that are different to you on a daily basis so the most helpful thing I have found is to first understand yourself and your needs and then begin to understand others.  So we will begin but looking at each of the Communication DNA styles so you can begin to see where you might be and also where those you struggle with might be.  From this place we can put more helpful responses in place when you are struggles with someone that is different to you.

 

If you would like some background reading on the Communication DNA styles then you can read about each one here;

 

In coming posts we will continue venture into the world of each style and what may make them difficult.

 

Until next time Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.

Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The real cost of losing staff due to poor communication

7:00 am

What is the real cost of losing staff due to poor communication? 

So we have spoken many times about the cost of poor communication.  It has been shown in research to cost up to 32% of profit.  For a business making $500K pa, this is $160K, that’s not small change.

So you have a business and there are issues, perhaps management is not perceived as approachable, perhaps there is relational tension as different staff clash with each other, perhaps staff don’t feel valued or understood.

Gallup found that 95% of staff leave jobs due to problems with either their boss or co workers.  This is that relational stuff they feel just can’t be solved.

The sad thing is that many times they either haven’t tired, because they believe it wont change anything, or they don’t have the skills to have these hard conversations.  We have all been there, it just feels too hard and we believe that the grass is greener on the other side.

Now it may be, but what happens when you come up against the same issues in a new workplace?  Isn’t it better to have the skills to deal with it when it happens again? It is not that difficult, I promise.

One of the many costs is the costs of new hire.  Let’s look at this a little closer.  Perhaps you have the staff member who had all of that procedural knowledge that is not necessarily written down, all of that experience that cannot be quantified.  What happens if they leave?  All of that knowledge will be lost.  What price can you place on that?

Research estimates that on paper, the costs of losing a staff member can be between 16 and 20% of the salary of the person being replaced for low to medium positions.  For senior executive roles it can be as high as 213% (Zane Benefits, Small Business and HR)

 

Deloitte, found in some recent research that the true cost is much more when you consider;

 

  • The cost of hiring a new employee including the advertising, interviewing, screening, and hiring.  Not only this but the time it takes to find the right person.
  • Cost of on-boarding a new person including training and management time.
  • Lost productivity… it may take a new employee as much as 1-2 years to reach the productivity of an existing person.
  • Lost engagement… other employees who see high turnover tend to disengage and lose productivity.  As well as the rick you take when hiring, will the new person fit in.  Is the culture you have healthy?  It may not be.
  • Customer service and errors, for example new employees take longer and are often less able to solve problems.
  • If the new team member is entering a toxic workplace then stress levels will surely add to mistakes and communication issues
  • Training cost. For example, over 2-3 years a business likely invests 10-20% of an employee’s salary or more in training.  You don’t want to be in that position of just training them and then they leave…..
  • Cultural impact… Whenever someone leaves others take time to ask “why?”

The real cost of losing staff is hard to measure as many workplaces don’t have measures in place to capture this.  From my perspective the most important thing is to understand why the staff member left and to address any communication, staff or systemic issues that contributed to them leaving.

Until next time Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.

Let’s grow your business one conversation at a time. 

How to Deal with a Tyrant

7:00 am

Have you ever had to deal with a Tyrant?  Someone who is so overpowering they just push everyone else aside?

I had a really interesting experience recently.  I was working with a client who explained that there is a person they have to deal with often who is a Tyrant!  Or as I would describe them “a very strong communicator.”

They are likely The Powerful style who loves problems and challenges, craves results, is very black and white and can come across as confrontational and even aggressive.  Such people can be highly opinionated to the point where the only opinion that can exist in conversation with them is theirs!!

My client was really struggling because they had realised that this person was very good at saying “No” but did not hear when others said “No” to them.  How interesting I thought so I wanted to share this with you all.

Such a strong Communicator has absolutely no issue with boundaries and looking after their own interests.  Most of them don’t even realise how much they can come across like a bully at times.  They honestly think every one else finds it just as easy to say “No,” when needed.

However, here is here it gets interesting, Because they are such strong Communicators and can be so confrontational mostly people don’t actually say “No” to them!  So they get this false sense of reality; thinking there are no issues. They go on their merry way, leaving this wake of people with bruises.

When someone finally comes along that says “No” to them; they don’t even hear it.  You actually have to say to them, “Sorry, I just said No, I don’t agree with that and you have not heard me.”

 Now I spend much of my training and coaching time helping people become assertive.  If this is not you, you may be having a stroke right now at the thought of being so assertive and direct.

The amazing thing is, it works!  Powerful and Strong Communicators need to be Communicated in a strong and direct way.  They get it and even more importantly they respect it.  The trouble comes when people avoid them and are not direct with them.

One of the keys to great communication is adapting your style to your listener.  So if you are reading this I am sure you are becoming more aware, more conscious and enlightened each day so you understand that even if confrontation scares the heck out of you, it is the best way to be understood by a Strong Communicator.

Best of all they don’t see it as confrontation, I promise.  Just have a go, remember don’t be rude, stick to the facts, use I messages, be assertive and you will get through to that Powerful Communicator.

If you would like to learn bout different communication style then check this out

If you are struggling with a powerful communicator and would like to know more the n get in touch, don’t struggle along alone, we are here to help!  Get in touch here

Until next time, Care Connect, and be a Conscious Communicator.

Lets change our world for the better one conversation at a time.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator And Emotion

11:00 am

chat_guys_w640The Powerful and Direct Communicator and emotion.  Let’s just go back and be re acquainted with the lovely Direct style.

Remembering the basics is important.  Firstly; we all have different communication styles.  They are a combination of task or people focused and then outgoing or reserved.

Powerful and Direct styles are action based, outgoing, task focused, results oriented and for the rest of the population they can be quite challenging.  If this is your style however, chances are you are not even aware of the effect you can have on others.

This person is motivated by the challenge, they love to solve problems can be highly competitive and extremely strong willed.  If you want something done, give to this person.  However be aware, they may leave bruises.

These guys really have no idea how straight down the line, no fuss, in your face they can be.  To the average person they can come off at times as aggressive, even like a bully.  Sadly this is not their intent at all.  They are just after the result and if people get in the way, then that’s where the damage can occur.

As for emotion, this style does not readily show emotion, with the exception of ANGER.  They still feel sadness, fear, worry, frustration, guilt, joy – all of these, but may not let you in.  They are too busy chasing down their goals and getting RESULTS.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator needs to be careful of not taking care of themselves emotionally.  They may not get much support because they don’t appear to need it. That being said, of course they do, they are just like the rest of us.

This is my strongest style and I have experienced over and over and over….. I can come across as soooo efficient, and I am not great at asking for help so I tend to do it myself, or seemingly bark orders.  It’s just me being focused and efficient, not rude as it may sound.

When it comes to getting things done, I need help too and need to ask for help, but I am not great at this.  I am practicing, it has become a necessity.

Powerful and Direct styles may offend and may get worn out as it does seem like they need no one and are super able to get stuff done.  Yes they are incredibly efficient but they too need help and support. Even the strong ones need support.

If this is you, or someone you know, be aware of this inability to ask for help, learn to accept that even you need help at times.  Hey, you may even get MORE DONE!!  Please don’t be offended if they appear aggressive, this is their focused business, efficient voice speaking, they don’t mean to sound so harsh.

If you are a Powerful and Direct Communicator and you feel like sometimes you are misunderstood, why not learn more about your strengths and how others may perceive you?  It is such a great investment in yourself.  You can learn more by reading “The Enlightened Communicator”.  It can be purchased here.  Also keep an eye out for a new service we are introducing shortly on how to understand your style.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Emotions and Communication

2:14 pm

emotion
Emotions, we all feel them, every single day.  Some of you feel them deeply while others prefer to ignore.  Regardless, they happen all the time and they have a marked effect on your behaviour and communication.

An emotion is “a strong feeling coming from your circumstances, mood, or relationships with others”, or an “instinctive or intuitive feeling that is to be distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.”

Emotion can be like noise; it can confuse you, distract you and confound you.  Have you ever felt an emotion so strong that you literally did not know what to do?  It can be a very overwhelming experience.  But your emotions are necessary.  They are part of who you are.  Learning to go with them, to feel them and then let go of them is a really healthy way to work with you.

Emotions need to be felt, acknowledged and processed.  If you try and avoid them then they only grow.  A feeling that is small can grow into a large beast that wreaks havoc if you try and ignore it.

A slight frustration can turn into rage if you allow it to grow, if you don’t feel it, experience it, process it and move on.  Emotion can change how you relate to others also.

Have you ever noticed that as your emotion escalates, particularly negative emotions like sadness, frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, confusion and grief, your ability to communicate slides downhill very fast?

It’s really poor timing because just when you need to communicate at your best, you are potentially performing at your worst.  It’s critical that you understand for you how emotion affects your ability to communicate and what impacts you have when you are emotional.

For some, when they become emotional they tend to become angry toward others.  They are perceived as negative, aggressive and confrontational.  It is important to become aware of this and work to process your emotions in a way that does not harm your communication with others.

In coming posts we will share ways that different communicators can be perceived and how to ensure that you process your emotions in a healthy way so that they don’t affect your ability to connect with others.  Your relationships and professional life is worth it!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress

11:55 am

How do you best deal with a stressed Powerful and Direct Communicator? In our last installment we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in stress, if you missed it click here. It resonated with many of you so I am expanding in this idea for you so that you may benefit form this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

We will begin with the Dominant or Powerful and Direct Communicator who is all about Results. They need big picture, bullet points and control. They are competitive adventuresome and avoid details. They show anger, make quick decisions are usually very impatient and talk loud and fast. They say things like, “give it to me now,” they will tap their foot with impatience if something is too slow for them and they walk with purpose.

Unfortunately in general the ‘Powerful and Direct” communicators have no idea how they come across. They do not understand that even on a good day their authoritative tone can strip paint. Honestly, take it from me I was a very unaware ‘Powerful and Direct’ at one time.

I still get help when trying to be gentle in certain situations because my idea of gentle is very different from the ‘Patienta and Steady’ Style for example. They are the polar opposite of the ‘Powerful and Direct.’ Remember, the ‘Powerful and Direct’ is all about efficiency and doing tasks as well and as quickly possible, they like short cuts, they often forget about the people aspect. They wouldn’t necessarily be offended and forget that others would.

So, I implore you, if you are working or living with a ‘Powerful and Direct’ then take heart, and please don’t take this personally because it really isn’t. They truly don’t get it, which is why Teamology exists in part. This lesson for me was a very personal and painful one.

I had no idea how harsh I could come across at times. I had no ideas that teammates, people I managed and certain family members would avoid me because they thought I was scary, heartless or had some type of God complex. Things could not have been further from the truth.

Like all of us, the ‘Powerful and Direct’ communicator just wants to be appreciated for who they are and to do their best. The way they go about it is usually what causes issues. In good times they at best can be seen as competitive, loud, bossy, direct, goal focused, pushy and confrontational.  However, if you need something done, they will do it.  If you want a decision made, they will make it.  If you need a project completed they will get it done.  They finish whatever they start.

Under stress these attributes become magnified, they tend to speak less and ‘bark orders’, phrases like “just do it” and “it’s not my problem” and “suck it up princess, tell someone who cares” will often be heard. They can appear very cold and removed. Don’t ask for sympathy from them you will not get it.

For example, at work, you have Bill who is a “Powerful and Direct” style who wants results, and will stop at nothing to get them, he is competitive, loud, speaks fast, seems aggressive and you know he means business. Sometimes you may feel like if you get in his way he will likely mow you down.

Under stress, he gets even worse, more inpatient, more task focused, you may even feel bullied by his behavior. Whilst this is not ok, I am explaining this to you for your benefit. By understanding this you will be able to get through this stressful time because you wont take it personally.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be ‘Direct’ right back. Not rude, but direct and respectful.

For example Bill says to you in a very sharp tone, “this is just not good enough fix it and fix it now!”

You could consider saying with respect “Bill, I disagree, this meets the brief as discussed, if the brief has changed then we can discuss that. However, I can see you are under pressure, your tone sounds rude to me and I do not appreciate it. I am willing to go over how to improve this but only when you are ready to speak with me respectfully.”

Now this may be freaking you out right now but honestly, direct understands direct. The ‘D’ style needs to feel respected and will only respect you when you stand up for yourself and ask to be treated with respect.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #3

11:29 pm

3: Misinterpreting the message

Misinterpretation, like all miscommunication can occur similar to a slide rule; from small and non-life threatening to huge and life threatening.  For example the barista who mistakenly gives you a full fat latte when you asked for light; to the child crossing the road independently and hears “Go” instead of “No!!”

I heard a comedian recently talking about how does it happen that he goes to the hairdresser and asks for a particular style and somewhere between communicating that idea and the end result he leaves looking like a strange beetle – not what he had in mind….. I think I’ve been to that salon before!

You interpret a message and communication through your own lens, a lens shaped by your genetics, your communication and personality, past experience, emotions and mood that day.  There are quite a few filters.  It’s a bit like when you are in a bad mood in the car and someone toots the horn.  Some of us, (not naming names) may get quite aggressive and start waving our arms and abusing the driver, thinking they were having a go at us.  When in all likelihood it could have been someone saying “Hi” to someone else that they saw and knew.

It’s important to be aware of the “lens” we all have and how it impacts on our perspective of things.  When you are unsure, ask questions until you are clear on the message.  NEVER ASSUME, it can get you into so much trouble.

Next time we will look at the fourth of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.