Miscomunication

The 6 Steps to Intentional Communication

3:01 pm

What does it mean to be intentional?  My first book was called the Enlightened Communicator; it was all about raising your awareness so that you can become a better communicator.

I have now moved toward “Intentional Communication” because awareness alone does not cut it.  You also need to put some action into it.  You need to be Intentional.

Being Intentional means to do something with a purpose or deliberately.  Your actions have a purpose.  It is important to be aware of what is going on around you, you will have noticed the number of articles and prompts about being mindful.  Awareness and acceptance.  Very powerful.

However, I am asking you to take it a step further, not only to be aware, to accept but to do more.  I want you to stop and think about what you need to do to take your communication in the direction you want it to shift into.  For example, in your relationship with your child, do you need to encourage them?  Correct them?  Scold them?  Be gentle with them?

In a relationship with a key work colleague do you need to thank them?  Correct them?  Advise them?  Give them feedback?  Again each of these actions will come with a different intention.

For many years I have noted the effect of communication done badly after some type of painful incident.  Something goes wrong, there is an effect and communication seems to slide ineffectively right down the hill.

For example, imagine you’ve woken up and feel like it’s not your best day.  Let’s say you’re having a bad hair day.  To say you feel lacking in confidence is putting it lightly.  When you get into work, a colleague makes a sly comment and you take it completely out of context and get offended.  They arc up and defend themselves; after all they were just having fun.

Next time you see him you avoid him all together, he then assumes that you really dislike him and he gets even more defensive and hurt.  Before you know it you are both now lurking into the murky depths of toxic unhelpful communication.

Over the years I have delved into the depths of this toxic communication and helped people to sort it out.  Why? Because I’ve been there; personally and professionally.   It’s not a nice place to be.  To get out of this awful place you need to get Intentional.

There are steps to Intentional Communication. I will outline them here but expand on them in coming posts.  The steps are;

  •  There is an impact or crisis moment
  •  There is a wound or pain after impact
  •  We look to treat the current wound
  •  The wound begins to heal
  •  A scar forms
  •  The final stage we aim for is a strengthening after the process

This process can be linear but also can be shortened depending on how treatment and healing is approached.  Some times you go for the quick fix that doesn’t really work and this means that the process is invariably lengthened and complicated.

Next time we will discuss the first stage in detail – the impact.

Until next time Care, Connect and be and Intentional Communicator

Let’s improve the world one intentional conversation at a time.

The Stabiliser and Stress

11:42 am

Today we discuss the Stabiliser and Stress.  In our last few installments we spoke generally about Communication styles in Strength and in Stress. We then went into detail about the Powerful and Direct Communicator and stress, you can read that one here. If you would like to learn about the Influencer and stress then go here. I am continuing to expand on this idea for you so that you may benefit from this information next time you find yourself in a stressful situation.

The Patient and Steady Communicator or Stabiliser is all about Relationship. They crave harmony, run like the clappers from confrontation and just want us all to get along. They show peace and calm, they are slow to speak, seemingly serene and don’t show much emotion. They will often say things like “Whatever you think” and will rarely make a decision. They are always agreeing with the status quo, are really good listeners and as loyal as they come.

The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator loves to listen, support and to be consistent. They love a steady and predictable environment, need lots of time to adapt to change and don’t like to rock the boat, or have theirs rocked!!

You may think they could be a push over – but you are wrong! These guys have a spine like steel! They may not say “No” to you face, that is too confrontational but you won’t be able to make them do what they don’t want to do.

This is one of the most frustrating aspects of this style for the more direct outspoken Powerful and Direct Communicators. If they don’t agree they will say “No.” They have no fear of the word No, and do not understand anyone who does. Whereas the ‘Patient and Steady’ style finds the ‘Powerful and Direct’ far too confronting, do to avoid a conflict will agree or just even stay quiet. The ‘Powerful and Direct’ assumes agreement and the ‘Patient and Steady’ does what they were going to do anyways.

Unfortunately, in general the ‘Patient and Steady’ communicators have no idea how frustrating their avoidance of confrontation can be. They do not understand that staying quiet and not saying how you feel is really confusing for everyone else, particularly when you are asked. The ‘Patient and Steady’ just wants everyone to get along peacefully.

They have a real fear around saying ‘No’ and upsetting people. So they avoid it at all costs. What they don’t often get is that when they avoid or procrastinate they are still saying ‘No’ just in a more confusing way.

The ‘ Powerful and Direct’ Communicator is the polar opposite of the ‘Patient and Steady.’ Remember, the ‘ Powerful and Direct’ is all about quick decisions, fast talking, fast walking get results. They love competition, adventure, crave results and need respect. They are natural leaders, and can tend to take over. This works well for the ‘S’ style who does not naturally like to make decisions. It’s all beautiful until there is a difference in opinion.

So, if you are working or living with a gentle and kind ‘S’ then take heart, they are not meaning to be avoidant and stubborn. The ‘Patient and Steady’ Communicator is such a loyal and caring friend. You just need to give them time to feel safe in your friendship so that they can speak up. If you manage or work with someone like this it is extremely important to create an environment where they are feeling safe and courageous enough to speak up.

I live with many ‘Patient and Steady’ styles and they challenge me constantly. Because they are hard to read and can be easily offended by my direct style I need to really be conscious of how I come across.

The Patient and Steady and Stress may be unexpected in terms of the relationship.  Under stress the ‘Patient and Steady’ can become highly avoidant, do things more slowly, procrastinate because they do not wish to cause any issues. They can appear cold and uncaring. But they just don’t show emotions; it is a protective mechanism for them. Under stress they can become even quieter, more avoidant, show even less emotion and seem to shut down.

For example, at work, you have Stewart who is an ‘Patient and Steady’ style who wants relationships to work well, he is loyal, consistent and reliable. He is quiet, sometimes you don’t even know he is in a meeting, he is always the one people go to for a debrief because he is so caring and such a good listener.

Sometimes you may feel confused because you ask Stewart how he feels about an issue in the office and he nods to all you say, doesn’t say much back but his behavior implies that he agrees. Yet you find out at a meeting with your manager later that you are the only one with an issue no one else feels the same way you do.

You are infuriated because you feel hung out to dry. You confront Stewart who listens and still says not much, you ask directly, why didn’t you speak up? You get nothing. Now you feel really unsupported.

One of the best ways to deal with such behavior is to be kind, supportive, ensure you really manage your emotions and ask them how they feel. Actually ask the question “is everything ok? When we spoke earlier I really felt supported by you and that we were on the same page have I misinterpreted?

Then comes the most critical phase. STOP and allow the to answer. Do not pressure them, do not push them to answer but patiently wait. By doing this you are seeing them, you are allowing them to respond in their time, which is slower than the other styles and you need to be completely patient, supportive and non confrontational.

Now this may feel really frustrating but honestly, the stabiliser will appreciate you slowing down and really hearing them. The ‘Patient and Steady’ style needs to feel related too and heard. They are such patient and good listeners they really appreciate the same back. Most people just get frustrated and move on. Doing this will build a stronger connection for you both.

It is also incredibly healthy to acknowledge for your own needs that you are struggling with the avoidance and procrastination. It also needs to be acknowledged that not speaking up is a bad habit of the ‘S”. There are times where they need to build on their courage. It is healthy for people to be able to speak up.

This takes practice, so for now if all you can grasp is please don’t take it personally then do that! Resources are coming that will help you to develop the skills you need to deal with those difficult conversations and situations.

For example, our popular workshop “Becoming and Enlightened Communicator” will soon be available as an online course for you to do in your own time! Exciting times are ahead everyone!!

Until then, be patient with each other. When something is not working look for the answer other than a personal angle. It is usually not about us, I know it’s hard to believe but really it isn’t.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Kylie Warry

 

 

Giving constructive feedback? Pt 2

2:49 pm

How do you approach giving someone constructive feedback? Pt 2

Constructive feedback can be challenging, please ensure you have read Pt 1 as well as this edition.  When it comes to giving constructive feedback do you take a gently does it approach?  This can come across as more caring and certainly not confrontational however, you also need to ensure you are clear.  You don’t want to confuse the poor person.

I heard Oprah speaking about the first time she fired a staff member.  She said that she explained it so slowly and kindly that at the end of the meeting (2 hours later…) the person was not aware that they had been fired.  Uh oh!  You need to ensure that they get your feedback.

Do you worry about how they will take it, get all messed up and then it becomes all about you?  This can be traumatic for the person providing the feedback as you are racked with assumption, assuming the worst before you have even started a conversation.

Particularly if the feedback is not positive, if you need to address a problem, or something very challenging like terminate some ones employment.  In any conversation the moment we begin assuming, and filling in the gaps we are headed for trouble.

The other problem here is how we respond in situations when we are highly emotional.  Our brains virtually switch off and we can behave erratically or irrationally.

It is important that as soon as you notice you are assuming the worst or even assuming at all, you need to stop yourself.  This will only heighten your stress levels and anxiety.  Besides, an important note, this is not about you.

Effective communication should always be aimed at the receiver – how will they best receive this message.  So calm down and stop assuming!

Do you think about it from their perspective, get into their shoes and deal with it with warmth and respect?  In my experience I have found this to be the most effective way of approaching feedback.

The moment you approach feedback from the receivers perspective you are on the right track.  You are then able to ensure your communication is tailored for them.  It is also important to be respectful and not confrontational.

Despite how serious the breach has been or the issue is at hand, there is no need to disrespect.  When you approach difficult conversations with clarity, warmth and respect you are creating the best possible environment for effective communication.
 
If you need a better solution to giving feedback contact us at www.teamology.com.au to discuss how we can assist you.

When you understand your own needs as a Communicator and can work out the needs of others giving and receiving feedback becomes so much easier and more successful for everyone involved.  Check out our blue print for effective communication as a good starting point.  Join our community and you will be able to download it it for free.

If you have found this helpful, please share it with someone you think will benefit also.

 

For tips, free resources and our blog  “light bulb moments” head here to  www.teamology.com.au

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Giving constructive feedback. Pt 1

9:03 pm

How do you approach giving someone constructive feedback?

Did you know that the way you approach this task says more about you than you might know?  We each have our own unique communication style that influences and drives how we interact with others.

Additionally, many of us do not know how to best approach giving constructive feedback.  This is a critical skill in our communication, it is important to give positive feedback but also constructive.  Without it how do we improve?

As we are all different our approach to feedback also differs.  Some of us are task focused and some are more people focused.  Some are more outgoing and others are more reserved.  I am making it very simple here of course as humans we complicate things so much more – but I like SIMPLE!

Giving feedback is essential in our communication.  It is how we interact on a different level, how we show our impact, how we let someone know the impact they have had on us or on our expectations of them.

In a business environment feedback is essential.  All of us have had feedback sessions with mentors or managers, some great and empowering while others would be filed in the “traumatic” drawer we prefer not to look in all that often.

So how do you approach it?
 Are you an avoider?
 Do you launch in boots and all?
 Do you take it slowly and gently?
 Do you worry about how they will take it, get all messed up and then it becomes all about you?  Or,
Do you think about it from their perspective, get into their shoes and deal with it with warmth and respect? 
 
Which approach do you think will work out best in the end?

Let’s go through these options and see where they may take us.
 
 The avoider – this approach rarely works in the long run.  People who avoid issues need to have an amazing tolerance for mediocrity because, best-case scenario, that’s what you will end up with.

Avoiding the issue of giving feedback will only ever hinder the process of growth and development for both you and the person who is to receive the feedback.  When you avoid an issue, it tends to grow, so small issue will grow into a much bigger issue with avoidance.

Jumping in boots and all can also be problematic if you are not fully prepared and able to think before you speak.  The best thing about this approach is that you are doing it.

The most problematic issue may be that if you go in too hard and fast you risk offending the receiver of the feedback; particularly, if the feedback could be confronting for the receiver.

Feedback alone is a confrontational process to go through so we need to be aware of this and ensure our approach is not confrontational as well.

Next time we will check out the gently gently approach to feedback namely, and discuss some effective techniques you can put in place to assist you.

If you have found this helpful, please share it with someone you think will benefit also.

For tips, free resources and information on how to become a more effective communicator check out www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Are you a perfectionist?

11:52 am

Are you a perfectionist, or do you know one? In terms of the Communication Styles, the Strong Perfect and Conscientious style is the one who is most likely to struggle with perfectionism. If you live with, work with or love a Strong Perfect and Conscientious,  you may be relating already.

Let me refresh your memory, the strong Perfect and Conscientious Communicator.  This amazing style is all about procedures, processes and perfection.  I prefer the word Analytical over Compliance as I have had many people in workshops become disillusioned by the word Compliance.

By Compliance we mean working to a system or order, not compliant.  Particularly to your own system or order however this style will work to someone else’s system or process if they agree with it, or if they see it as correct.

This communication style is all about getting things right.  If you know someone with this style they are more reserved and task focused.  They are great at details, probably love stationary (known from personal experience) and are highly organized in many ways.

These guys are fearful of their work being criticised, how could they not be when perfection is their benchmark.  However, beware of criticising their work as they put a lot of effort into it being right.  It hurts them intensely if they are corrected, especially if it is not done gently.

If you are working with someone for this style they will love details, if you challenge their facts you will need to provide statistical backup because they do know their stuff.  I know one Analytical person who reads the Australian Taxation website for fun (I have a headache just thinking about that).  They prefer a quiet and consistent work environment where any changes are explained, where they can be some type of technical expert.

So perfectionism is a big deal to these guys. REALLY. I know this because this is my second strongest trait and in testing I scored 87%.  This has long been held as a negative trait however, it can depend on your definition. In the negative it can stifle progress because you are expecting something unrealistic.  It can cause paralysis and anxiety beyond description.  It can mess with expectations both in there workplace and at home.

So how can we view this positively?  The Greek definition is “a continual journey toward maturity.”   Now this is not how I have used it, or how I would described myself when I am perplexed because something won’t look or fit the way I want it too.   However, I would be a better human if this were my definition.  So to any one else out there who is brave enough to say that you have struggled with perfectionism either in yourself or expecting it form other lets change how we see it.  We can all benefit from this definition of a continual journey toward maturity – I say bring it on!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

When Strong Communicators don’t listen

12:12 pm

I had a really interesting experience recently. I was working with a client who explained that there is a person they have to deal with often who is a very strong communicator.

They are likely a Powerful and Direct style who loves problems and challenges, craves Results, is very black and white and can come across as confrontational and even aggressive. Such people can be highly opinionated to the point where the only opinion that can exist in conversation with them is theirs!!

My client was really struggling because they had realised that this person was very good at saying “No” but did not hear when others said “No” to them. How interesting I thought so I wanted to share this with you all

Such a strong Communicator has absolutely no issue with boundaries and looking after their own interests. Most of them don’t even realise how much they can come across like a bully at times. They honestly think every one else finds it just as easy to say “No,” when needed.

However, here is where it gets interesting.  Because they are such strong Communicators and can be so confrontational – usually people don’t actually say “No” to them!  So they get this false sense of reality, that there are no issues and they go on their merry way.

When someone finally comes along that says “No” to them; they don’t even hear it. You actually have to say to them something like, “Sorry, I just said No, I don’t agree with that and you have not heard me.”  Be persistent, they are!

Now I spend much of my training and coaching time helping people become more assertive. If this is you and you struggle with the idea of being assertive, you may be having a stroke right now at the thought of being so assertive and direct.  In fact, many people I consult with are worried that they will seem rude and uncaring.

This is far form the truth and the amazing thing is, it works! Strong Communicators need to be Communicated in a strong and direct way. They get it and even more importantly they respect it. The trouble comes when people avoid them and are not direct with them.

One of the keys to great communication is adapting your style to your listener. So if you are reading this I am sure you are becoming more aware, more conscious and enlightened each day so you understand that even if confrontation scares the heck out of you, it is the best way to be understood by a Strong Communicator.

Best of all they don’t see it as confrontation, I promise. You are the only one struggling with this idea, not them.  Just have a go, remember don’t be rude, be respectful, stick to the facts, use “I” messages, be assertive and you will get through to that Strong Communicator.

If you need help with these Communication skills, we can help!  Check out our website by clicking here and drop us a line, or send an email and we can begin to resource you.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Lets change our world for the better one conversation at a time.

When the GPS makes a mistake

4:10 pm

Recently I was driving to a seminar in the evening. It had been a busy day and I had performed a minor miracle getting out of the house, having prepped dinner for the family then got my self out before 530.

I was driving to a place I had never been to before and was relying on my trusty GPS. Approaching major and very busy intersection, the GPS asked me to get into the far right lane for a right turn at lights. I obliged (which is unusual for me but I did it). Once I arrived at the lights in the far right, the GPS decides to flash a few Questions marks “???” and then tells me to go straight ahead.

The amount of traffic that had hemmed me in by this stage meant there was no way this was going to happen. I felt myself become quite angry and I was about to start telling this GPS what I really thought when I remembered that remaining calm would serve me better than losing it right now.  I know, another miracle!

I turned right and kept on driving waiting for the GPS to recalibrate and set me back on course. A few minutes later she did so, and I eventually arrived safely.

My point? Even GPS’s make mistakes, remaining calm and allowing time for recalibration is always a better option than chucking a complete wobbly. I arrived on time, I was not stressed out of my tree and my GPS lives to make a mistake another day.

Even in our relationships when things go awry, stay calm, look ahead and believe in a positive outcome …… even if it seems so far away. This type of response will serve you much better than an angry, closed minded emotional reptilian brain on full speed.

When you respond this way, others will be thinking, “Crikey, they kept it together”, you will be a light in the dark and be remembered as the calm “go to” person in times of trouble.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

It’s not just people who miscommunicate

4:30 pm

It’s not just people who miscommunicate.  I was chatting with a good friend and colleague today who was busy trying to explain her so called ‘absence’ to another woman in business. She was trying to explain why she had been dubbed “MIA.”

The other woman was saying “But you have not responded to my email, thanks! I mustn’t be such a priority huh?”  My Colleague was trying to explain, “My email has been down for almost 2 weeks I had no idea who emailed what, it’s been a nightmare, I am so sorry.”  What a common scenario.  Except in business it can mean the difference between getting the deal and losing it.

What had actually happened was that the woman whose email had fallen over had done so because of a short cut her PA had made. When setting up a new email address for a new staffer she had taken a “short cut”.  Getting as technical as I can and am able; let’s just say 2 different servers were involved and they simply did not speak to each other.  Another description, miscommunication on a technological scale!

The outcome? In short, complete chaos. It is no different when there is a communication breakdown between people, not servers.  Chaos!!  One person can be completely oblivious to the breakdown for a while.  Not even knowing that the electronic communication world seems to continue along oblivious to our real world.  Also that we are judged just as much by our absence as by our presence.

What can we learn from this?

  • Don’t take short cuts
  • Check in regularly with people, don’t rely only on technology to do it for you
  • Don’t take things personally

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master classes check out our website www.teamology.com.au

A quick shout out for all of the support and interest in our last 2014 Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations”

It is now fully booked so we will run this again next year in 2015. If you’re interested and have missed out this time, let us know and we can ensure you get an early bird seat on the next Master Class.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #5

5:17 pm

The Final Communication Mistake;

5: Not knowing Your Communication

Strengths

We live in a critical world where we all know far too well what we are not good at.  We are told from the moment we are born, you are not good at this, you need to improve that, don’t even try that, it is not a talent of yours.  So what are your strengths – what strengthens you?

We all have strengths in communication – some of us are great at seeing the big picture.  Some are wonderful and charming influencers, some are amazing and patient listeners and others are able to see the detail and analyse information.  Either way we all have strengths.  The problem is, is that many of you don’t know your strengths.  We actually don’t even realise the truth about what strengths are.  We have been fooled into thinking that a strength is something we are good at.  BUT NO!  A strength is something that strengthens you, a weakness is something that drains you.  You may be wonderful at balancing the books but you may absolutely despise it.  That is not a strength!!

When you know your strengths, you know what works for you, you realise that we are all fundamentally different, you close the gap and minimize the misinterpretations, you find common ground and you think before you speak VOILA you have GREAT CONNECTION.

It still confounds me that after completing a Psychology degree, that I was not taught this stuff. Yes we learned active listening and reflective questioning etc but not about Communication styles, differences, strengths etc. No! To learn that I had to seek it out so I have made it my mission to make it easier for any fellow travellers out there that frequently wonder, “Why is it so hard?” Or, “How can we do it better?”  If you’d like to see how the different communication styles work here is a free download on your Communication strengths.

This is by no means an accurate assessment of your Communication strengths but is a greta way for you to begin to understand your strengths and also the strengths of others in your world.

Thanks for joining us to examining the top 5 communication mistakes we make everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #4

12:57 pm

The fourth of the top 5 mistakes is;

Not understanding that as Communicators we are different!

Unfortunately, the source of many of our communication problems is the gap!  I see the world one way and receive information one way, and you do it another way.  Its all ok just different.

Most of us automatically assume that everyone sees the world as you see it.  This is at such a subconscious level you won’t even realise that you are doing it.  We don’t know why someone dislikes our new hairstyle, or why someone might not like our colour scheme.  So, if you are a bottom line kind of person who does not fluff about at all, when you come into contact with a warm fuzzy person who could think of nothing better than shooting the breeze all day you may certainly go nuts.

You are different; you have different agendas, different needs, different likes and different ways of doing things.  Neither is right or wrong they are just different.

If you are a person who is quick to anger, you are likely quick to recover and move on.  However, if you are dealing with a person who is slower to anger, who takes on more, for a very long time….. When they finally get to boiling point (and they will!) they will take a long time to recover also.  Neither is right or wrong just different.  Understanding this fundamental principle of communication will make all of the difference – we are different, we have different needs and we communicate them – you guessed it – DIFFERENTLY!

Just being aware of this goes such a long way to bridging the gap.  When someone says or does something we don’t understand, instead of taking it personally or getting upset we are able to say, ok, so they see and do things differently to me.  Thats ok.  Then with a child like curiosity seek to understand it.

Next time we will look at the final mistake of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations”  or check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.