miscommunication

The top 5 Communication Mistakes made every day? # 2

11:16 am

The top 5 Communication mistakes we make everyday, number 2; do you experience this?

2: Lack of common ground

As humans we naturally tend to stick with what we know.  As such, when you come across what you don’t know the gap can be huge.  This is not a problem if you are aware of it because you can ensure you identify the unknown and address it.  It is when you don’t know and don’t address it that problems arise.

When I am working with a Team I encourage them to;

  • Recognise
  • Identify, then
  • Bridge the gap

Many years ago I was working with a Gentleman from Africa.  When we spoke he would not make eye contact with me. I tried over and over to address this with him, so I had Recognised the gap, I had tried to Identify the gap but had struggled, as he just would not engage.

I sought the assistance of a worker from the same cultural background from the local migrant resource centre.  Until this time, I interpreted his reaction as fear, shyness or a lack of respect.

However, what I learned later was that in his culture for a man to look at a woman particularly a younger woman from another culture was seen as complete disrespect.  So what I was interpreting as disrespect was actually him showing me the highest respect from his culture.  Because we lacked common ground culturally, we did not initially understand each other’s perspective.  This helped me to Bridge the gap.

Once this Gentleman felt that I was willing to understand and accept him he was able to open up. When he learned that eye contact in my culture was not disrespectful.  With support and encouragement he was willing to begin to make a change. This was a big challenge for him.  However we had built trust and mutual respect so he was willing to try and do something outside of his comfort zone.

What gaps do you have in your relationships?  Is there someone at work you just don’t get, someone who just pushes all the wrong buttons?  These are examples of gaps.  Sometimes it g=can be cultural, age related, background, personality and many more.  The first step is awareness.  S when you would like to build a better connection remember to Recognise, Identify and Bridge the Gap.

Next time we will look at the third of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” https://teamology.com.au/courses/madc/ or check out loads of other free resources at our website at www.teamology.com.au

 

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

What are The Top 5 Communication Mistakes? # 1

1:40 pm

What are the top 5 communication mistakes made every day?  Do you make any of these? They are so common, but many are not game to admit it.

When you work on a daily basis with teams and businesses that are struggling with communication, you see a lot!   It is extremely rewarding to see things turn around.  One of my favourite things is when you observe people really connecting, once they know how.

Today, lets begin a conversation about the most common mistakes we make everyday.  Let’s discuss the first of 5 most common mistakes that we see people make in communication every day.  Read on, you may identify with some of this information.

1: Speaking without or before thinking

When you speak before you think it can be disastrous!  I don’t know about you, but much of what goes on in my head is not for public viewing. I can be hard, critical, judgmental, stubborn, and that’s all before breakfast!  If you can slow down and think before you speak, you have time to be clear on what your intention is.

Good question, what is your intention?

Most of the time we don’t even take the time to work this out. Is it to teach, to share, to connect or to impose?   When you aren’t clear of your intention, how can your listener be clear?   As a young Manager I had a team member who was beginning to make a habit of being late to team meetings.  My communication style automatically interprets this as disrespect to me and to the team – that our “important” meetings were not a priority for her.  One morning she arrived late and disorganised again.  I knew I needed to address it.  Fortunately, I had the intuition to ask her what was going on before I “tore strips off her for seemingly disrespecting me and the team”.

I asked what was going on and she quickly and unexpectedly burst into tears as she divulged that her marriage was breaking apart and she was not coping at all.  WOW!  Not on my radar at all! How would I have felt if I had given a serve only to find out my ASSUMPTION of the INTENTION (ie disrespect and lack of priority) was nowhere near the reality?  Her life was in tatters and she was only just hanging on, she certainly did not need me adding to the pressure.

Thankfully I and asked a question “How are you doing?”  Instead of “Why are you always late to meetings!  You are being so disrespectful!”

Can you imagine how this conversation may have turned out had I “stated” rather than “asked.”  This is a really key tip! Ask more questions so you know what issue you’re dealing with.  Drop the assumptions, get clear on your intent and think before you speak.

Next time we will look at the second of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations” check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

What are the two most powerful words?

2:30 pm

Did you know that your words are powerful?  It is a well know fact that emotional abuse can cause much more damage than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is driven by words.  Words can build up or break down.

So what are arguably, the two most powerful words? I was watching a movie recently about the Irish Republican Army, the “IRA”.  The story explained that when the young men fighting with the IRA were caught and imprisoned they refused to wear the prison uniform.  Consequently, they were naked in blankets whilst in prison.  This quiet prison rebellion went on for years.

The IRA prisoners campaigned for the right to wear civilian clothes as they saw themselves as prisoners of war.  As such would not wear the clothes of a prisoner.  They refused to acknowledge the British rule in their motherland.

They tried in vain to negotiate with the government and eventually whey went on hunger strike to make this point.  After at least 10 young men had died from this hunger strike (aged sadly from 19 to 26 years of age) the British government agreed to grant them the privilege of wearing civilian clothes.  The IRA prisoners remain committed to their decision and would not agree to the terms.  They believed it was a right not a privilege.  Because of one word, and the power behind it more young men died.

Words are powerful. Arguably two of the most powerful words in our language are “Thank you“ and “Sorry“.  These words can build bridges, bring forgiveness and help someone feel recognised and valued.

Sometimes we say things out of hurt or anger and they can leave a scar for life.  That’s where nursery rhyme line  “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is not quite accurate.  I have heard over and over how a word said in anger can linger in a person’s soul for years.  Such words can honestly stop you from believing in yourself and consequently from reaching your potential.

The sad thing is, is that the person who said the hurtful words has probably forgotten and has no idea just how much they have hurt you.  It is important to acknowledge this if you are hanging onto a lie that has been told to you.  If you have been told that you won’t amount to anything, or that you are not worth it. It is a lie.  You have inside of you such enormous potential; you have a unique gift that no one else has.

No one else sees the world exactly they way you do, no one else thinks the way you do.  It is a gift for you to use and make a difference on the earth.  So if hurtful words and lies are holding you back I encourage you to stop believing them and do whatever it is that you have been dreaming about.  You can do it.  I know that you can!

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

The Steady, the Analytical and Stress

3:56 pm

Did you know that 92% of Australians feel unfulfilled in their jobs?  Much of this may be attributed to stress and feeling disconnected in the workplace.  Continuing our discussion on stress and how it affects each Communication Style today we will look further into the Steady and Analytical Communication Styles.

The Patient and Steady Communicator is the quiet, people focused, consistent team member that loves harmony and for everyone to get along.  They avoid change and conflict like the plague.  When stressed, they will retreat further into themselves and try to pretend nothing is going on.

This style is very difficult to read so most often won’t show the signs of stress until it has been going on for quite a while.  Unfortunately, you won’t get a warning until the volcano blows!!   As you can imagine this is really hard for team members as they have no warning and seeing a usually quiet Patient and Steady style do their block is a sight to behold.

If this happens it is important to remember that the pre cursing event is one of MANY that have lead to this blow up.  This is one of the complications of the “Patient and Steady” letting everything build up until they cannot take any more.   It is very important for the “Patient and Steady” communicator to feel supported after a blow up happens, as they are always willing to support others.  They will appreciate a willing ear and a friendly smile.

If this is you, remember it is ok to ask for help and to say “No” when you need to.  If you are a “Patient and Steady” communicator you will respond to stress by needing to sleep more.  So take the time and allow yourself to do this when you need.

Many Patient and Steady Communicators do well in learning how to be more assertive, particularly when dealing with a more assertive style such as the Powerful and Direct or Playful and Influencing communicator. If this is you or someone you know check out our upcoming course on how to Master the Art of Difficult Conversations, in Sydney this November.

The “Perfect and Conscientious” comes across as highly detailed, organised, wanting perfection and quite task oriented.  When stressed they become even more task focused, they demand perfection and can become quite critical of others.  As you can imagine if your bench mark is perfection this is already a recipe for stress.  So if you notice your “Perfect and Conscientious” style team mate becoming more critical than usual, more controlling, if they seem tense and more anxious than usual it could be a sign that they are under stress.

Don’t take their criticism to heart, it is an outward sign of their inward battle.  Ask them if they need support, offer to help them get a plan together so they can get through whatever is causing them stress too.  If this is you, be kind to yourself, you will usually need some quiet alone time to deal with your hectic inner world.  Make sure you do this so that you can effectively deal with the cause of your stress.

For all of us, awareness of our own stress levels is key.  Realising that the people around us are affected by the way our behaviour and communication changes under stress is important.  I think it funny that when we are under stress, we behave differently toward others, they may not respond well and our stress can increase!  What a vicious and unhelpful cycle!

When you notice your stress increasing the best thing to do is acknowledge it, ask for support or help and get a plan.  Ignoring it is never the answer.  Ensure you allow yourself to do what helps you when stressed whether it be exercising, socialising, sleeping, quiet time or a combination; do what works for you.

I noticed a few years ago when my Husband and I were both stressed at the same time for different reasons.  When he is stressed he likes to socialise and I need a combination of exercise and quiet time.  He was really pushing to go out and it was honestly the last thing I wanted to do.  What did we do?  We compromised.  I said to him that I needed an hour to walk and think on  my own, when I got back I felt so much better and was able to then socialise as he so badly needed.

It is so important to take responsibility for your feelings, be able to share them, acknowledge and respect the needs of others.  In relationships, the whole mind reading thing really doesn’t work!

Next time we will look at a current and real life example of these interactions and how different communicators respond to stress.   Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Dominant, the Influencer and stress

11:19 am

Each person responds differently to stress, each communication style responds in their own unique way.   Today we will look at how the Dominant and Influencing Communicators respond to stress. There are some common trends though so let’s see which on you relate most too.  This is helpful for you to know because whether you acknowledge it or not, the people around you will notice a change in you when your stress levels rise.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator can already comes across as task oriented, blunt, driven, even bossy.  When stressed they will become even more driven, blunt, decisive, quick thinking and moving.  They will exert even more “control” as their world spins out of control.  They may come across as aggressive which can be quite negative in a workplace.  So if you work with someone like this, your world can get quite difficult when they become stressed.

It is really important not to take their behaviour personally.  Be courageous and ask them if they are ok.  Yes, even these guys need support and would appreciate you asking.  They often have no idea how they come across and don’t understand why their team mates are backing away slowly when they enter the room!  If this is you, you need to acknowledge the stress and then ensure you have helpful strategies to address it.  Things such as exercise will help to burn or your excess adrenaline and allow you to think and gain some calm.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator comes across as, people oriented, the life of the party, they are talkative, fun, colourful and optimistic.  When they become stressed they will talk even more, be even more loud and flighty (if that’s possible).  It may be hard to keep up with them it may seem like they are on something!  Eventually they may become quite short and may even snap which is completely out of character for them.  This can damage work relationships, as they are usually so friendly and willing to chat.

Again, don’t take their behavior personally, ask them if they are ok, and if they need any support.  The “Playful and Influencing” communicator likes to be included in all interactions but if they are either talking too much or becoming snappy they will begin to be shut out; this is like torture for them.   If this is you, take the time to work out what may be causing the stress for you.  Get a plan and get your stress under control.  Things such as socialising are really important for you when you are feeling stress.

Next time we will look at how the Patient and Steady Communicator and Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicators respond to stress. Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Knowing your intentions

9:15 pm

 

Each new day is a new start – thank goodness. Sadly many people only consider this at the beginning of the year, that leaves you missing out on 364 new beginning opportunities each year!!!!  So let’s take a brief moment to talk about your intentions and priorities in terms of relationships for you.

What do you agree that we have control over?  All the strong Powerful and Direct Communicator say “everything?!”  You may agree, the only thing we actually have control over is ourselves and our reactions.  This is particularly important when it comes to communication and relationships.  We all have the option of choosing our response.  Every day we are faced with people we find easy to be around and others that are “not so easy”.  People that we can find challenging are usually either the same as us (for those strong dominant personalities) or the opposite of us.

The key to better communication is to raise your own awareness to what you find easy and not so easy.  It’s then realising that you have the choice to respond with understanding and patience.  Unfortunately, when someone pushes your buttons they usually have no idea.  We get so caught up emotionally on how much they are ruining our day and they have no idea!

If a fast-talking, harsh, blunt co-worker just drives you nuts, it is more than likely their communication style and they are oblivious to your frustration.  In fact they probably think they are being gentle.  Or if it is the slow moving, slow talking, gentle colleague that never says “No” and does not stand up for themselves, who you find difficult.  Again it is probably their style, they would never dream of annoying anyone!

If you pause and take a moment to separate the person from how you are feeling and not take these things personally (because they aren’t), you are well on the way to better communication.  Communication is key to success across all areas of your life.  Many of the biggest problems in business come down to poor communication.  Additionally, the stress associated with poor communication and relational tension can contribute to absenteeism and high staff turnover.

So it is in all of our interest to separate our emotional responses when there is poor communication.  Try these tips to assist you,

  • Look for the strengths in everyone, we all have them
  • Don’t take it personally
  • Realise that everyone has a different communication style

To help you to deal with these tricky situations, Teamology provides workshops to assist you to learn techniques to deal with “difficult people and difficult conversations.”   These workshops are available in house, as public workshops and also as an online option later in 2014, more details to come.

So if you can relate to struggling with a difficult person or people, to not being sure how to be assertive and say what you need to say, consider learning some new skills.

If you would like to know how to stand up for your self and get a good outcome then please check out our resources, particularly the November 2014 workshop, “how to handle difficult conversations and get a good result.” You are welcome to check out the training options and resources or email us with any questions. We are here to help.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

Are you a Dominant communicator?

2:13 pm

We all have different communication DNA styles.  They are a combination of task or people focused and then outgoing or reserved.  Powerful and Direct styles are action based, outgoing, task focused, results oriented and for the rest of the population they can be quite challenging.  If this is your style, however, chances are you are not even aware of the effect you can have on others.

This person is motivated by the challenge, they love to solve problems can be highly competitive and extremely strong willed.  If you want something done, give to this person.  However, be aware they may leave bruises.  These guys really have no idea how straight down the line, no fuss, in your face they can be.  To the average person they can come off at times as aggressive, even like a bully. Sadly this is not their intent at all.  They are just after the result and if people get in the way, then that’s where the damage can occur.

This is my strongest style and I have been known to mow people down in the supermarket, I literally don’t see them.  I am focused on the task and the task is to complete the shopping.  It’s not to say “Hi”.  To see who I know, to window shop.  No, its get the items bag them and get out of there!  I have had friends come up to me days later and say they felt really upset when I ignored them, I honestly did not see them. This style gravitates to leadership and management roles where they can make decisions and have control.

Unfortunately unless enlightened they can cause trouble for those in the workplace that have a more people focused, gentle approach.  We will discuss this in more detail in coming editions.  It’s just because they are so fast paced, quick thinking, decisive and you got it – different from you.

So, in summary, the dominant, Powerful and Direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way. They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.  However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

Don’t be too hard on a Powerful and Direct style if there is one on your world, they really have a good heart and don’t realise how pushy and direct they can be at times.  Why?  Because I don’t think anyone has been courageous enough to tell them! Next time we will look at the full of fun, people focused style.

If you are a Powerful and Direct communicator and are struggling checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  Perhaps you’ve been told you are difficult t to work with, or you are just not connecting with others.  Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Why is communication so difficult at times?

6:36 pm

Have you ever tried to explain to someone an issue or concern and they just don’t get it? have you ever been misunderstood? Have you ever tried to support someone only to find you have offended them?  You are not alone.

Communication is the art of “being heard and understood”. Communication is a two way street, you need to not only construct the right message but also for it to be received in the way you intended.  This sounds simple, but believe me it s not.  Why?

Firstly, many of us don’t think before we speak, we just send words out into the either and expect it to work.  We mistakenly think that because we know what we mean then of course everyone else will.  This is not the case at all.  It takes many years and a lot of honesty and trust to get to know someone that well that we get that they mean.  Even then we can still be hurt by the words and actions of others.

Secondly, we have our own intention when we do communicate,which is usually not clear to the receiver.  This was a real struggle for me.  Being such a strong personality when I intended to be gentle I would come across as confrontational.  When I tried to be inspirational I would come across as a bully.  Not my intention at all!  Even worse I did not realise this for a very long time.  People would not tell me how they felt because they were scared of confronting me.

As you can imagine this caused havoc for me personally and professionally.  Thankfully I was able to learn from this so I could improve my ability to communicate and relate with all types of people.  Hence my determinedness to share my experiences with you so you don’t have to struggle anymore.  Learn from my mistakes please!  This allows my struggle to be useful and make a difference in the lives of others.

Next time we will discuss how different communication styles make or communication even more complicated.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Why listen to me?

5:24 pm

Why? It’s simple really, I’ve made many mistakes.  So many, I couldn’t count them for you.  BUT I have learned from them.

How do you feel about the f word?  Have I got your attention?

The f word I am referring to is the word failure.  What did you think I was referring too?

Definition of Failure: to not meet expectations, to mess up, to disappoint, to fall short.

Lovely images hey?  However, You’ve done it, I’ve done it.  The common thread is that we all fail.  We all don’t like to fail but the wise ones learn that failure is a wonderful opportunity to learn.

I have an awesome example of a horrible situation I found my self in many years ago  … please  read on…

I was a young manager of a team of about 12.  We were all professionals and I was very proud of my team.  I believed we did very valuable work helping people.  One day I was in the ladies, when about 6 of my team walked in.  They did not know I was in the loo.  They began having a huge gossip session about me!

Lesson number 1: Don’t gossip.

Lesson number 2: If you are going to anyway, check who is in the loo before doing this.

I was sitting there with my heart breaking as they go on and on about how bossy I was, how they could not talk to me, how it was my way or the highway, that I thought I was better than everybody, how I was unapproachable.  Each sentence was another dagger to my heart.

So I sat there thinking what do I do?  Do I stay here and wait until they are finished then slink away?  Do I walk out and confront them?  Both options were sounding awful to me.  However, in that awful moment I realised that I had a very important choice to make.  I could face this “failure” or I could run away and hide.  Now anyone who knows me knows I am not one to run from a challenge.  But this was really hard!

I did not know how on earth these people that I worked so hard to support felt so negatively toward me.  I thought I was approachable, easy to talk to, helpful and I certainly did not think I was better than anyone, if anything else I struggled with self-esteem.

So, what did I do?  I got up walked out and faced them.  You should have seen their faces mid slander; it was priceless.  Each one of them had their mouth and eyes so wide.  There was complete silence; no one spoke a word.  I am sure they were waiting for me to just tell them off.

Then I simply said “Thank  you”.  Now this they were NOT expecting.   Think they’re mouths and eyes got even wider.  But the truth is I meant it.  As awful as it was to hear what I had heard them say about me.  I knew that something had to change.

I continued, “ I am so sorry that this is how I have come across to you.  This was never my intention and it changes today”. 

They still were not sure what to say to me, they tried to say a very uncomfortable sorry and left as soon as possible.  I then knew that I had to work out how to change things.  I was so confused as to how I could be seen so differently to how I thought I came across.

What i realised was, my impact did not match my intent.  When I thought I was helping, they thought I was being bossy.  When I was being proactive they saw me as thinking I was better and more capable than them.

This is one of the primary causes for poor communication, impact not matching intent.  It stems from us all having different communication styles.  I am quite a direct and proactive person.  When I think I am inspiring some people find me scary.  It is something I continually work on.  Especially with people who don’t know me well.

This awful, heart breaking experience was what motivated me to understand how I could get it so wrong.  So in a major way this experience lead me to where I am today, sharing this information with anyone who will listen so they don’t have to have such experiences.

This experience drove me to work out how different people communicate, it taught me many models of communication and the one I have persisted with is the DISC model that I share a lot about through these articles.

Things did change at work, gradually the weirdness disappeared and those relationships became very strong.  I think mostly because I kept my promise and things changed.  I am forever grateful to that experience as painful as it was it was am amazing lesson.  This lesson has blessed me many times over.

So next time you face a failure, be brave, look at what you can learn from it and keep moving forward.

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

 

Have you ever been misunderstood?

1:03 am

Have you ever been misunderstood?  Surely, I am not the only one?

When you miscommunicate you have been misunderstood.  Your impact has not matched your intent.  This can be simple and easily fixed but can also have devastating consequences.

Miscommunication is simply when your message has not been interpreted as you intended.  For example, you may say, “I would like the chicken please” and end up with the Tofu.  This actually happened to me at an amazing Thai restaurant.  I was eating my meal thinking “Wow this is the softest, squarest chicken I have ever had” when it was pointed out to me that I had Tofu.  Luckily this was not a life threatening miscommunication!   Also lucky for me as I may not have ever tried Tofu, and I really like it!

How many of you have ever miscommunicated??? (At this time you should all have a hand raised, because I would dare to say all of us do every day!)  Now I trust I have not offended anyone because firstly if you hadn’t miscommunicated why are you reading this blog??  Oh yeah it’s for your friend…

Additionally, if you truly haven’t miscommunicated either you have never had contact with another human or you are in complete denial!  Sorry but that’s the truth…

Misunderstanding stems from the simple fact that people are different.  Were you aware for example that each of us are unique and see the world from a different perspective?  Yes, there are trends and ways to group “types of people” and also different communication styles.

For example you may be a “talker” and the person you are trying to talk with is more “reserved and withdrawn”.  As a “talker” it is common to assume that everyone else is as comfortable with talking as you are.  You start to chat with the more quiet reserved person who doesn’t give you much back.  A few common misunderstandings can begin to occur.  Firstly, you may talk too much because you are not getting a response.  This will inevitably shut down the quiet person even more.  Or you may feel offended like the person does not like you.  In your mind if they liked you they would talk.

The reality is that they are “different” to you, neither is right or wrong, just different.  Each of us has different needs when it comes to communicating, and over coming editions we will go onto more details about the different styles.

 

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.