poor engagement

Starve or Thrive in Relationships? It’s up to you

2:56 pm

Communication is often so much harder than it needs to be.  Whether or not you are starving or thriving in your key relationships is up to you.  There are so many variables operating against you namely;

  • Different backgrounds
  • Different gender
  • Different communication preferences,
  • History or past experience
  • and what I call buttons (or sensitive places)

When you think of all of these variables all mushed up into a human is it any wonder we all can connect at all? Firstly backgrounds, this can be as simple as do you come from a talking, loud and proud family or from a calmer more introspective bunch? Do you talk about issues or bury them?

These things alone can break a relationship sooner than anything. You meet the love of your life and then they meet your family. That can sometimes be enough. And that’s while your family on good behaviour!

Gender, I sometimes think God sits back with a smile on His face and giggles at how we all get so messed up at the gender differences. As a proud, strong young woman I thought feminism was for me. I have now changed my stance based on my experience to believe that yes there should be equal opportunity but we are completely different. Neither is better or worse we are fundamentally different, and Thank God for that.

I do not need to apologise for my femininity and no man needs to apologise for his masculinity. We are different and together we can accomplish far more than when we are at each other competing.

Different Communication Preferences, this alone is enough to cause confusion for the rest of our natural lives, unless we all decide to be self-reflective, learn about our needs and learn about the needs of others. My favourite book “Personality Plus” by Florence Littauer changed my life and I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in this area of communication. My book “The Enlightened Communicator,”   also touches on these differences and how my experience and journey have shaped my experiences.

History or past experience can be a complete minefield, especially if you are not open to learning about how your past effects your today and your tomorrow. It only affects you when you don’t know how it affects you. I know confusing, but for example, if a person has betrayed you in your past, you then meet someone with similar traits in the present. You may unknowingly assume some things about them that are not valid or true at all. Don’t let the past control you, learn from it and move on.

Buttons are one of my favourite things. We all have them! Most people don’t know what they are and wonder why they are at the mercy of them as you go throughout their day with them being pushed by whoever, whenever. Let’s get control back people. Know your sensitive points and then take responsibility for them.

If some poor person unwittingly pushes a button for you, guess what? It’s your responsibility to get over it not theirs. Do some reflection, ask yourself, what happened, what did you feel, where did that come from. Then allow yourself to move forward, learning from the experience.

Be patient and kind to yourself sometimes it takes a while to work out where the root cause came from. Journaling can be a wonderful gift in this process. This is true maturity when you have had a button pushed and you work through this process taking responsibility to do this. How incredibly freeing!

Take the time and the commitment to master these variable and differences and you are well on the way to Thriving in all aspects of your relationships.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Top 5 Communication Mistakes #4

12:57 pm

The fourth of the top 5 mistakes is;

Not understanding that as Communicators we are different!

Unfortunately, the source of many of our communication problems is the gap!  I see the world one way and receive information one way, and you do it another way.  Its all ok just different.

Most of us automatically assume that everyone sees the world as you see it.  This is at such a subconscious level you won’t even realise that you are doing it.  We don’t know why someone dislikes our new hairstyle, or why someone might not like our colour scheme.  So, if you are a bottom line kind of person who does not fluff about at all, when you come into contact with a warm fuzzy person who could think of nothing better than shooting the breeze all day you may certainly go nuts.

You are different; you have different agendas, different needs, different likes and different ways of doing things.  Neither is right or wrong they are just different.

If you are a person who is quick to anger, you are likely quick to recover and move on.  However, if you are dealing with a person who is slower to anger, who takes on more, for a very long time….. When they finally get to boiling point (and they will!) they will take a long time to recover also.  Neither is right or wrong just different.  Understanding this fundamental principle of communication will make all of the difference – we are different, we have different needs and we communicate them – you guessed it – DIFFERENTLY!

Just being aware of this goes such a long way to bridging the gap.  When someone says or does something we don’t understand, instead of taking it personally or getting upset we are able to say, ok, so they see and do things differently to me.  Thats ok.  Then with a child like curiosity seek to understand it.

Next time we will look at the final mistake of the top 5 communication mistakes made everyday. If you have found this helpful please share it with someone who would benefit.

For tips, free resources and information on our upcoming Master class “The Art Of Difficult Conversations”  or check out our website at www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

The Dominant, the Influencer and stress

11:19 am

Each person responds differently to stress, each communication style responds in their own unique way.   Today we will look at how the Dominant and Influencing Communicators respond to stress. There are some common trends though so let’s see which on you relate most too.  This is helpful for you to know because whether you acknowledge it or not, the people around you will notice a change in you when your stress levels rise.

The Powerful and Direct Communicator can already comes across as task oriented, blunt, driven, even bossy.  When stressed they will become even more driven, blunt, decisive, quick thinking and moving.  They will exert even more “control” as their world spins out of control.  They may come across as aggressive which can be quite negative in a workplace.  So if you work with someone like this, your world can get quite difficult when they become stressed.

It is really important not to take their behaviour personally.  Be courageous and ask them if they are ok.  Yes, even these guys need support and would appreciate you asking.  They often have no idea how they come across and don’t understand why their team mates are backing away slowly when they enter the room!  If this is you, you need to acknowledge the stress and then ensure you have helpful strategies to address it.  Things such as exercise will help to burn or your excess adrenaline and allow you to think and gain some calm.

The Playful and Influencing Communicator comes across as, people oriented, the life of the party, they are talkative, fun, colourful and optimistic.  When they become stressed they will talk even more, be even more loud and flighty (if that’s possible).  It may be hard to keep up with them it may seem like they are on something!  Eventually they may become quite short and may even snap which is completely out of character for them.  This can damage work relationships, as they are usually so friendly and willing to chat.

Again, don’t take their behavior personally, ask them if they are ok, and if they need any support.  The “Playful and Influencing” communicator likes to be included in all interactions but if they are either talking too much or becoming snappy they will begin to be shut out; this is like torture for them.   If this is you, take the time to work out what may be causing the stress for you.  Get a plan and get your stress under control.  Things such as socialising are really important for you when you are feeling stress.

Next time we will look at how the Patient and Steady Communicator and Perfectionist and Conscientious Communicators respond to stress. Please share this information with friends and loved ones so that all of us can dial back the stress and begin to enjoy life more.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Are you a Dominant communicator?

2:13 pm

We all have different communication DNA styles.  They are a combination of task or people focused and then outgoing or reserved.  Powerful and Direct styles are action based, outgoing, task focused, results oriented and for the rest of the population they can be quite challenging.  If this is your style, however, chances are you are not even aware of the effect you can have on others.

This person is motivated by the challenge, they love to solve problems can be highly competitive and extremely strong willed.  If you want something done, give to this person.  However, be aware they may leave bruises.  These guys really have no idea how straight down the line, no fuss, in your face they can be.  To the average person they can come off at times as aggressive, even like a bully. Sadly this is not their intent at all.  They are just after the result and if people get in the way, then that’s where the damage can occur.

This is my strongest style and I have been known to mow people down in the supermarket, I literally don’t see them.  I am focused on the task and the task is to complete the shopping.  It’s not to say “Hi”.  To see who I know, to window shop.  No, its get the items bag them and get out of there!  I have had friends come up to me days later and say they felt really upset when I ignored them, I honestly did not see them. This style gravitates to leadership and management roles where they can make decisions and have control.

Unfortunately unless enlightened they can cause trouble for those in the workplace that have a more people focused, gentle approach.  We will discuss this in more detail in coming editions.  It’s just because they are so fast paced, quick thinking, decisive and you got it – different from you.

So, in summary, the dominant, Powerful and Direct styles are after results, they don’t mess around, they are straightforward, task focused, they like to make decisions, are big picture thinkers and think their way is the ONLY way. They can come across as aggressive, competitive, sometimes bossy and harsh.  However, they get loads done, are goal focused and won’t give in.

Don’t be too hard on a Powerful and Direct style if there is one on your world, they really have a good heart and don’t realise how pushy and direct they can be at times.  Why?  Because I don’t think anyone has been courageous enough to tell them! Next time we will look at the full of fun, people focused style.

If you are a Powerful and Direct communicator and are struggling checkout our resources page or contact us with your specific questions.  Perhaps you’ve been told you are difficult t to work with, or you are just not connecting with others.  Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Why is communication so difficult at times?

6:36 pm

Have you ever tried to explain to someone an issue or concern and they just don’t get it? have you ever been misunderstood? Have you ever tried to support someone only to find you have offended them?  You are not alone.

Communication is the art of “being heard and understood”. Communication is a two way street, you need to not only construct the right message but also for it to be received in the way you intended.  This sounds simple, but believe me it s not.  Why?

Firstly, many of us don’t think before we speak, we just send words out into the either and expect it to work.  We mistakenly think that because we know what we mean then of course everyone else will.  This is not the case at all.  It takes many years and a lot of honesty and trust to get to know someone that well that we get that they mean.  Even then we can still be hurt by the words and actions of others.

Secondly, we have our own intention when we do communicate,which is usually not clear to the receiver.  This was a real struggle for me.  Being such a strong personality when I intended to be gentle I would come across as confrontational.  When I tried to be inspirational I would come across as a bully.  Not my intention at all!  Even worse I did not realise this for a very long time.  People would not tell me how they felt because they were scared of confronting me.

As you can imagine this caused havoc for me personally and professionally.  Thankfully I was able to learn from this so I could improve my ability to communicate and relate with all types of people.  Hence my determinedness to share my experiences with you so you don’t have to struggle anymore.  Learn from my mistakes please!  This allows my struggle to be useful and make a difference in the lives of others.

Next time we will discuss how different communication styles make or communication even more complicated.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

Why listen to me?

5:24 pm

Why? It’s simple really, I’ve made many mistakes.  So many, I couldn’t count them for you.  BUT I have learned from them.

How do you feel about the f word?  Have I got your attention?

The f word I am referring to is the word failure.  What did you think I was referring too?

Definition of Failure: to not meet expectations, to mess up, to disappoint, to fall short.

Lovely images hey?  However, You’ve done it, I’ve done it.  The common thread is that we all fail.  We all don’t like to fail but the wise ones learn that failure is a wonderful opportunity to learn.

I have an awesome example of a horrible situation I found my self in many years ago  … please  read on…

I was a young manager of a team of about 12.  We were all professionals and I was very proud of my team.  I believed we did very valuable work helping people.  One day I was in the ladies, when about 6 of my team walked in.  They did not know I was in the loo.  They began having a huge gossip session about me!

Lesson number 1: Don’t gossip.

Lesson number 2: If you are going to anyway, check who is in the loo before doing this.

I was sitting there with my heart breaking as they go on and on about how bossy I was, how they could not talk to me, how it was my way or the highway, that I thought I was better than everybody, how I was unapproachable.  Each sentence was another dagger to my heart.

So I sat there thinking what do I do?  Do I stay here and wait until they are finished then slink away?  Do I walk out and confront them?  Both options were sounding awful to me.  However, in that awful moment I realised that I had a very important choice to make.  I could face this “failure” or I could run away and hide.  Now anyone who knows me knows I am not one to run from a challenge.  But this was really hard!

I did not know how on earth these people that I worked so hard to support felt so negatively toward me.  I thought I was approachable, easy to talk to, helpful and I certainly did not think I was better than anyone, if anything else I struggled with self-esteem.

So, what did I do?  I got up walked out and faced them.  You should have seen their faces mid slander; it was priceless.  Each one of them had their mouth and eyes so wide.  There was complete silence; no one spoke a word.  I am sure they were waiting for me to just tell them off.

Then I simply said “Thank  you”.  Now this they were NOT expecting.   Think they’re mouths and eyes got even wider.  But the truth is I meant it.  As awful as it was to hear what I had heard them say about me.  I knew that something had to change.

I continued, “ I am so sorry that this is how I have come across to you.  This was never my intention and it changes today”. 

They still were not sure what to say to me, they tried to say a very uncomfortable sorry and left as soon as possible.  I then knew that I had to work out how to change things.  I was so confused as to how I could be seen so differently to how I thought I came across.

What i realised was, my impact did not match my intent.  When I thought I was helping, they thought I was being bossy.  When I was being proactive they saw me as thinking I was better and more capable than them.

This is one of the primary causes for poor communication, impact not matching intent.  It stems from us all having different communication styles.  I am quite a direct and proactive person.  When I think I am inspiring some people find me scary.  It is something I continually work on.  Especially with people who don’t know me well.

This awful, heart breaking experience was what motivated me to understand how I could get it so wrong.  So in a major way this experience lead me to where I am today, sharing this information with anyone who will listen so they don’t have to have such experiences.

This experience drove me to work out how different people communicate, it taught me many models of communication and the one I have persisted with is the DISC model that I share a lot about through these articles.

Things did change at work, gradually the weirdness disappeared and those relationships became very strong.  I think mostly because I kept my promise and things changed.  I am forever grateful to that experience as painful as it was it was am amazing lesson.  This lesson has blessed me many times over.

So next time you face a failure, be brave, look at what you can learn from it and keep moving forward.

Perhaps you tare wondering why your colleagues won’t approach you or work with you.  You may have even been told to get help. For support and training to learn more about your style and how to get the most out of your relationships visit www.teamology.com.au

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.

 

 

 

 

So why do we miscommunicate?

12:53 am

So, why do we miscommunicate?? Our lives imprint on us, with each experience.  Good, bad or indifferent each if our experiences leave their mark.   Our lives become like a scrapbook with a theme; for example, you may think  “I am a well liked, confident person who makes good decisions”, or “I am worthless, people don’t care about me and I am alone”.   Two very opposing views but you get my point.

It is really important to understand this because our life theme and experiences colour each communication we have.  This is our frame of reference.  It is your reality and is difficult to change especially if you are not even aware of it!  The more “positive” or optimistic you are, the less likely you are to be offended by someone because a negative view does not match your internal story.  The same goes for the opposite, if you have a poor view of yourself then you may feel the need to defend yourself and that people attack you, when they are not. So, if you think everyone is out to get you then each communication will distort to fit your theme, your frame of reference.

The way you view the world will therefore affect and drive your response to everyday experiences.  I am being very simplistic here just to illustrate the point.  I raise that each person is far more complex than this in the big scheme of things. Your reactions, your mindset are coloured by your filter.  A really simple example of this is the translation when you are an optimist versus a pessimist.  This would translate simply to being a hopeful if you are an optimist and feeling hopeless if you are a pessimist. When you see the world differently to someone else it affects your perspective, your expectations and your assumptions.

A common example I have noticed is in a team environment when you have the “quiet” people versus the more “talkative” people.  I was working with a team recently and there was one team member who was so socially anxious he would not make eye contact or say “hello”.  In fact, he struggled so much that even if a colleague said “good morning” to him, he was unable to respond. His team mates responded to his behaviour with resentment.  They thought that he felt he was too good for them, that he was just plain rude.  This meant there was quite a tangible tension in this team.  This environment only made the relationship stress worse.

When in a workshop, this fellow was able to communicate that he is frightened to make eye contact and to even say “hello”, everything changed in his teams assumptions and expectations of him.  Their resentment changed to understanding and almost sorrow for him. With time, and trust building, he became more able to make eye contact with his colleagues and to say hello.  In fact, at the last workshop, he was a significant contributor to the discussion that was so great to see.

What is important for you to remember is that everyone has a story, and we all have our own struggles.  We all see the world in a unique way and we all want to connect and be valued.  So if you are not connecting with someone, if there is someone who is ticking you off or pushing your buttons, they may not be intentionally making your life difficult. It may simply be because they are wired differently to you.

In coming posts we will discover more about the different communication styles and what makes them tick.  You will relate more to a particular style and you will see traits from other styles in your colleagues, friends and family.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the journey.

Until next time, Care, Connect and be a Courageous Communicator.  Let’s change the world we live in one conversation at a time.